My dog’s frightened to walk across shiny floors and won’t eat dog food unless I heat it up. I have a feeling he’d be a flop out in nature.
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[Ouijja Board]
What is the meaning of life?
S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E
*Squints at board*
What the heck?
A Bee Gee board?
Cop: [aiming gun] Neither of you move
Imposter disguised as me: He’s the one you want, kill him…
Me: [knowing my wife bought a drum kit for our sons birthday] He is correct
Why spend thousands on college when you can just walk into a dense fog and re-emerge years later with glowing eyes and an unfathomable growth in human intelligence?
*notices one of my own hairs on my dog*
WELL IT SEEMS THE TABLES HAVE TURNED
I have decided to keep my uncomfortable home office chair
This encourages me to spend less time in it
no no i’m not stressed i just constantly grind my teeth and clench my jaw for fun.
I’m the kind of girl who won’t stop until you’re screaming your safeword.
Related: Your safeword’s the first 16 digits of your credit card.
When coining nicknames, be sure it reflects how that person has impacted your life. For example, my two sons Buzzkill and Third Mortgage.
Dr. Seuss would have CRUSHED it on 8 Mile.
Captain America: ok Avengers, we can defeat Ultron if we work as a team. Remember, no man is an island
Island Man: oh come on not this again
ENTER PASSWORD.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
RESET PASSWORD.
NEW PASSWORD CAN’T BE OLD PASSWORD.
sets fire to computer
I just accidentally read “Federal” as “Feral” and it made zero difference to the article.
Pro-tip to avoid corona-virus
Eat garlic.
Lots of garlic.
It won’t do anything against the virus, but it will keep other people away.
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: Is it because I’m too literal?
HER: no it’s just we’re not working out
ME: *buys both of us a gym membership*
Cheer up everybody, only 8 more days until the weekend.
I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.
I did not “try to rob a bank,” I just “aspired” to obtain more money.
(Job Interview)
Interviewer: So, tell me about yourself.
Me: I’m unemployed.
I: How about something personal?
Me: Personally I need a job.
*At the bar*
Me: What do you have on tap?
Bartender: Bud and Bud Light
Me: I’ll have a Coke.
“this is the biggest toilet I’ve ever seen”
GM✌🏻
Fruit ninja: [about to strike]
Surprise car chase: [destroys fruit stand]
Fruit ninja: omg seriously
Damn girl are you the sun because you need to stay 92,960,000 miles away from me.
WIFE: Did you buy eggs?
ME: Even better. I bought a goat.
W: How is that better?
M: *stares confusedly for a full minute* How is it not?
There’s three baby skunks on our porch eating leftover macaroni and cheese and I’ve never felt more a part of a team.
Son: Being an adult is easier
Me: No way, childhood is
Both: I WISH WE COULD SWITCH PLACES
*Shooting star flies overhead*
Son: Wait this sucks
Me: No take backs
Me: I’ll start work early so I can stop working earlier
Also me: *just works twice as many hours cuz I started earlier
(getting into a hot tub full of people) i guess we’re making some people soup huh gang
Had to quit my Uber Eats job, turns out they keep track of how many orders you report “flew out the window,” and “all of them” is too many.
Can we all agree that “K” is not short for “OK,” it’s short for STFU?