Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?

Me: What are you excited to see at the aquarium?
2: Giraffes!
Me: There’s only water animals there
2: Cows!

My husband just said the words every woman loves to hear, “Let’s order pizza tonight.”

Getting ghosted would be awesome if it meant that your Tinder date was simply replaced by an actual ghost and instead of awkwardly sipping a coffee, you had to work with the ghost to solve a series of riddles to figure out how they died.

My kid:
With blanket – too hot
Without blanket – too cold

Under my blanket with a leg over my neck – perfect

I exercised for a whole hour and a half. It wasn’t all on the same day but still

Just got a lecture about fiscal responsibility from my teenagers about my inflatable hot tub purchase so guess who won’t be allowed in my new inflatable hot tub?

Losers.

WIFE: *holding pregnancy test* well this is unexpected

ME: *rubbing wife’s tummy* can we discuss a different name?

Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.

What if I said I wanted it all, right now, with you?

Costco worker: Ma’am, please save some cheese samples for other shoppers.

65 mph wind gusts today. This is why Midwesterners are heavy. Everyone else rolls away like a tumbleweed.

Say one positive thing about your opponent
Well…he does convert oxygen into carbon dioxide which helps trees grow.

People are out here fighting over Walmart and Target. Meanwhile, I haven’t stepped a foot in either of these stores for eleven years because of the same people who will fight over and in a Walmart and Target.

Wanna play a dangerous game? It’s called taking a nap at 4.

doctor: do you have a name picked out?

me: yah it’s St-

wife: we are not naming our daughter starscream

ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me

“Sorry, but none of my clothes fit today.” My date nods, and politely avoids looking at my towel and safety pins.

airlines should have an option where you can book distances rather than just destinations. here’s 100 bucks, take me as far as that’ll get me. just drop me in the Atlantic ocean, I’ll figure it out.

Psychiatrist:
“Tell me about your kids.”

Me:
“Total disappointments.”

Psychiatrist:
“I still think this is a conflict of interest, Dad.”

Me: *lighting candles* don’t mind me, just setting the mood

Her: *backs out of elevator before doors close*

I spent the last twenty minutes telling my wife about plot holes that I’ve found in the frozen film franchise. So I guess this is who I am now.

Me: What fresh hell is this?

Satan: *turns to camera, winks* Thanks, Febreze!

Me: Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are separating.

Wife: Who gets the raptors?

Me in the summer: wow I can’t believe I have to actually do things when it’s sunny and beautiful outside

Me in the winter: wow I can’t believe I have to actually do things when it’s snowy and cold outside

coworker: a little bird told me—

me: —where

coworker: uh

me: i want to talk to the little bird

Them: what charity are you raising money for?

Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?

Outing my girlfriend as a Protestant at Christmas dinner so my Granny forgets that we’re both women

I wonder how police on bikes arrest people.
“Alright get in the basket.“

Good things about drinking on the plane:

1. You don’t have to drive.

2. No matter how much you drink, they can’t throw you out.

Pandas are seen as useless because they lack energy, they don’t have sex and they have extremely poor diets. I am basically a panda.