My dog’s frightened to walk across shiny floors and won’t eat dog food unless I heat it up. I have a feeling he’d be a flop out in nature.
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Never trust a fireworks dealer that has all 10 fingers
establish dominance by “properly” rewrapping your in-laws’ gift to you
I figured out the best time to go grocery shopping these days is at 3:45 AM, before the Girl Scouts even wake up. Ha, I’ll show them.
I had to quit jogging because I kept dropping my hotdog.
Pringles
I confused the words “tinker” and “tinkle” and my neighbor no longer wants help with her computer.
Craigslist: Meet your soulmate and lose a kidney all in one magical night.
Terrifying if literal: Liquid Plumber
My kids: ROAD TRIP!
My kids, ten minutes later:
Me: Dammit I’m not gonna let you die on my watch
Her: *chokes* It’s too late
Me: *leans in close* Get off my watch. It’s a Rolex.
I wonder why they don’t like me using the label maker
My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer.
I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She said, I don’t know, have you tried walking through the room naked?
Travis Kelce is living the dream of every unknown comedian rn. Having hordes of people share your old tweets and being like, “this guy is hilarious”
I once followed a puppy home on the off chance that I’d forgotten where I actually live and that he was, somehow, my dog.
But, yeah, let me raise two kids.
People swimming in rivers: brrr it’s so cold in this water I hate it
Ohioan swimmers, very clever, setting their river on fire to warm it up first: 🔥🌊😎🌊🔥
Me: I’m only going to ask you to clean this mess up ONE more time.
6-year-old: That’s good. I was tired of hearing you ask.
I never understood why people wear black clothes when they want to be sneaky
They should wear leather armor, because it’s made of hide.
So grateful for pillows. My head works hard, it deserves its own widdle bed.
[first day as detective]
Me: looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me [pointing at bullet wound]: well yeah
Friend’s Insta caption: how do you spend your Saturday’s?
Me: well I don’t spend them adding apostrophes to unsuspecting words that’s for sure
*Ancient Egypt*
Me: My abacus won’t work
IT: Hit giant eye + guy holding snakes + big ass bird
Me: Nothing
IT: Okay, reset *shuffles abacus*
Wife: Why did the little mermaid wear seashells?
Me: Because she was too small for D-shells.
Wife:………………….
The most elusive of all creatures is the camo camo camo camo camo chameleon
GUY WHO JUST LOVES SHARKS: Can I pet the sharks?
SHARK HANDLER (who sometimes makes bad decisions): Yeah that should be ok
Imagine breaking up on the moon but then you have the whole rocket ship ride home together
Sociophobia is the fear of friends.
Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
Connor Sadzeck Connor Happyzeck