My dogs have learned that whenever they hear the f-word in the kitchen, there’s now food on the floor.
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Reports say 3 billion Yahoo accounts were hacked and suddenly 3 billion people remembered they had yahoo accounts.
People who give you their attention only when they’re lonely or bored…
No thank you.
I already have a cat.
non-fungible…that’s when you’re allergic to mushrooms right?
Gift-Wrapping Club for Men Rules:
1) There is no such thing as too much tape
2) Forget everything you know about right angles
3) Gaps can be filled in with a different kind of paper or sticky notes
4) It’s okay to swear at scissors
ME: i’m only afraid of two things: public speaking and ghosts
[later, on stage]
CROWD: BOOOOOOOO
ME: oh no
My plane has an entire high school wrestling team on it, so I imagine we’ll crash in a forest & I’ll become their King.
When my ex worked out of town, he would take my vibrators away from me. Said I was cheating on him w/them. He shoulda taken his brother too.
this christmas when my grandma asks when i’m having kids i’m gonna look her dead in the eyes and say “i have decided to end our blood line once and for all” and just see what happens
[every game of Words with Friends with me]
Opponent: plays QUIZZIFY for 419 points
Me: plays POO for 6
Inventor: It’s a jackhammer.
Investors: This is groundbreaking.
A friend just texted me & asked for relationship advice. That’s like asking the pope to name all the members of Slipknot.
My baby girl and I like to play a game called poop or toot. She makes a face and I get to sniff her diaper. There are no winners.
Fitbit: Time for a walk
Me: *walks to snack machine
If you ring my doorbell I’ll look through the camera, if you don’t have a pizza or donut box I’m not opening the door.
ALLOW CURSE WORDS IN THE SPELLING BEE ALREADY, GIVE THE LITTLE NERDS A THRILL
In choosing clinical logic and detached isolation over laughter and passion, you went full-Vulcan.
Everyone knows you never go full-Vulcan.
PSA: If you’re going to order Doordash at your paramour’s house don’t use the account linked to your Wife’s phone. When she gets notification the driver is on the way, you can bet she’s ALSO on her way. She’ll follow that map all the way to you. And record it all for Court.
Don’t underestimate me. I’ve got that covered.
Why do squirrels swim on their backs?
“To keep their nuts dry.”
HAHAHAHA!
(Please don’t leave me. I was dropped on my head as a baby.)
ME: did it hurt
GIRL AT BAR: did wat hurt
ME: when ur hopes of having a nice uninterupted night out got crushed bc i started talking to u
“Can I maim myself with it?” – my toddler’s mental checklist before deciding to play with something
I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife
I had a peach bellini with breakfast and it wasn’t even the best decision I made today but it was a damned good one.
I want my car horn changed so that every time I press it, it just yells “SERIOUSLY?!”
As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….
My sister: *saying what name she has picked out for her baby*
My 10-year-old, in no uncertain terms telling her not to name her baby that: I met a horse with that name.
phone sales rep: may I speak with the head of the household pls?
me: just a sec, he’s using the litter box
Why can’t there be nostril pattern baldness?
pro: having a lovely time visiting canada
con: nobody would believe me if i got a boyfriend here
Told my boss at work I had three companies looking at me and asked for a raise, so of course out of curiosity she asked me which three companies.
Managing to keep a straight face I told her Gas, Water, and Electric.