Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Prior authorizations be like:

My doctor: You need this medicine.

Dr to pharmacy: She needs this medicine.

Pharmacy to insurance: Her doctor says she needs this medicine.

Insurance: Does she though? Let’s ask her doctor.

Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.

Son: but I don’t like when the house pees on me

Me: OMG JUST GET IN THE SHOWER

Had to quit my Uber Eats job, turns out they keep track of how many orders you report “flew out the window,” and “all of them” is too many.

Not to brag, but I finished an entire book in one sitting. I’m going to need some new crayons.

In spite of what you might have heard, some pretty magical things happen behind dirty dumpsters in shady alleys.

Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that made fun of me in high school

There’s no I in team but there is an I in marriage. There’s also ME, AA and RAGE.

HER: I’m a big fan of Nirvana

ME: Oh yeah? Name 3 other ultimate spiritual goals

When I have a tough decision, I ask myself…

“What would Jesus do?”

Then, I remember how things turned out for him…

And, flip a coin.

Taking applications for a semi pro story telling back scratcher.

Must work nights.

My Mormon neighbor said it was rude I assumed her husband’s surprise birthday party invitation was also an invitation to be her sister wife.

Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler.

Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.

Hell hath no fury like a toddler who wanted his peanut butter and jelly sandwich cut into triangles until you cut it into triangles

Lost in a corn maze? Light it on fire. Turn it into a popcorn maze. Eat your way out.

No matter what country they’re in ducks always have the same quaccent.

Ive just finished writing my first ever childrens novel. It’s called ‘We’re poor because of you’.

Any real fan knows the T in Thor is silent.

SPOILER ALERT for “Finding Bigfoot” TV show – they don’t find him. Again.

Therapist: You’re not really improving

Me: What if we pressed down on my foot and forehead at the same time and did a factory reset?

Therapist:

Me:

Therapist: well it’s worth a try

“You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours.”

Me: Are you sure you passed dermatology school?

If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.

I finally got to my parents house after a 7 hour drive. It’s 1am. why is my sisters cat watching Pawn Stars?

mob boss: rip his fingernails off
henchman: they’re bitten really short
mob boss: then do his toenails!
henchman: [removing my socks] you’re not gonna believe this

[Day after Xmas]
7am: I am detoxing today, only fruit and liquids for me
9am: There are worse things than eating 14 cookies for breakfast

Just congratulated my ex on dating someone so young that her Throwback Thursday photos are just pictures of her pregnant mom. I’m a dream.

I don’t know why people pay therapists to tell them what’s wrong with their lives when I’ll do it for free.

2021

Employees: We’ve decided to go in a different direction. We’re gonna have to let you go.

Managers: wut?

I have three kids. I should be terrified of sex.

Nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you worked

People will remember:
-The mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.