Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[First day of dropping kids off at school]

*Hugs and crying*

[2nd day]

“Get out!”

try to describe the hole in the ozone layer without sounding absolutely insane

its a hole in the sky that changes not air to air because we used too much hairspray back in the 80s and now we get skin cancer

the trick to parenting is appearing to present a united front with your partner while subtly implying that the other one is really the villain

Sugar-free anything tastes like it’s based on a true story.

Having a kid means knowing when she asks to watch Mr. Handsome, she means The Little Mermaid.

Saw a pregnant woman smoking today.
You can guess what I yelled at her.
Apparently she wasn’t pregnant after all.
You can guess what she yelled at me.

How to grab a women’s attention:

1. Be a glass of wine.

doc: [looking at clipboard] no no this isn’t good at all
 
me: omg why god whyy
 
doc: i asked for goldenrod and this form is ivory
 
me: wait, i’m not dying?

doc: whoa there, hold your horses

1818: My dearest Katherine, I write this letter in the hope that it finds you. It has been 3 fortnights since our last correspondence. I fear the lack of communique means you may have finally succumbed to the pox…

2018: Bro i texted u 10 mins ago u ded?

found a guy hanging out in an alley in palm springs

Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.

I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes

[Titantic sinks]

Jack: wanna share that door so I don’t die?

Rose: [door lock noise]

Me, 87 times before falling asleep: want to go outside???

Dog: meh

Me *falls asleep*

Dog: hey stupid wake up I need to go out

I’m never asking a man to buy me tampons again

Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and I only spent $9,000.00

Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..

Why is Twitter so quiet on Sundays?

No way you’re all at church.

[creating my Tinder profile]

Are u seeking:
men [ ]
women [x]

Select one:
18-29 [ ]
30-39 [ ]
40-49 [x]
50+ [ ]

me: who needs 50 girlfriends lol

Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.

Female judge: Case dismissed!

[to wife on phone] yes spend all our life savings on honey
W: but-
PLS JUST DO IT
*ends phonecall*
BEAR [holding gun to my head]: u did good

Congrats to #LeonardoDiCaprio on his first Best Actor Oscar.

You can stop sacrificing goats now.

being a pirate is so easy…I can do it standing on one leg

I’m sorry I mistook your baby for a bag of cheetos. If it helps, it was very tasty.

If I ever visit Japan, the first thing I’ll do is run through those paper walls pretending I’m the Kool-Aid man.

Wife: Put the dishes away I have other things to do.

Me: ok

*Me loading dishwasher with wife watching entire time to ensure I do it right*

Yes, I said I was sorry and that I’d do anything to win you back. But that was before you told me you needed a ride to the airport at 5am.

Mom: Sorry, I won’t be able to come in today. My son’s got stuck in the washing machine.

Boss: Aw okay. Poor thing, how old is he?

Mom: 27

wife: [kissing me] let’s roleplay
me: ok
wife: pretend you’re my daddy
me: ok
wife I’ve been a bad girl
me: why’d u marry that idiot

Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”