My dogs have learned that whenever they hear the f-word in the kitchen, there’s now food on the floor.
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My mother: What color do you look good in?
Me: Not the one I’m wearing right now, apparently.
twitter: Canadians are so nice
Canadians: *rubbing hands together* they’ve fallen into our trap
I saw a commercial for the movie The Exorcism and I’m jealous of that devil’s spine crack.
I carry tumbleweed so I can let it roll across the floor during awkward silences.
What’s the longest you’ve walked around looking for your raccoon when it was on your head the whole time.
My personal best is 16 hours.
Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.
They grow up so quick
INTERVIEWER: it says here on your resume that you’re good at small talk?
ME: ʸᵉˢ
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
My mind has been wandering so long, we’re pretty much in a long-distance relationship.
Bad comedy:
“Gonorrhea, but not forgottenorrhea. Am I right?”
*crickets*
“Jeez, y’all sure know how to avoid the clap. Am I right folks?”
may I borrow your hand mixer? I found a pumpkin carving hack that will destroy mine.
I don’t make the rules sorry
It only takes a few hours on a road trip for me to regret bringing more humans with me.
Me: “Can I put this sweatshirt in the dryer?”
Wife: “Well, what does it say on it?”
Me: “Buffalo Sabres.”
Wife: “You’re an idiot”
Trying to eat the recommended eight cups of chicken burrito bowl a day. I’ve already noticed my sleep is better, less aches and pains etc.
I hate it when pretentious people try to use big words to make themselves appear photosynthesis.
“This isn’t my first rodeo.” He said, confidently. “Now help me get on this pointy cow.”
If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.
Apparently, saying “grande” in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.
Me: There aren’t enough hours in the day
Also me: Spends 15 minutes scrolling a comment section and taking a quiz to find out what kind of cheese I am
Wife got mad at me again. I guess it isn’t funny to give the last rites to every plant she puts into the cart at home depot
People really don’t fall in wells like they used to.
Big up the 12 yr old kid on my daughter’s school camping trip who has mistakenly got my number listed in her phone as my daughter’s number and so has been texting me from her tent at midnight and 2am going SO WHAT’S THE PLAN?
I love the National Park Service.
At Christmas, it’s important to pause and remember all those who have wronged you this year and how you can wreak vengeance on them in 2017
*Arrives in Hell*
Devil: Here, help these 5th graders with common core math
My 8yo asked if she could have the last cookie. I said no because it’s mine. She asked if she could have a half. I said okay. Now… I’m pretty sure she’s failing math because all she left me was a crumb
*agrees with someone online* Yeah, I agree.
*disagrees with someone online* YOU’RE NOT JUST WRONG YOU’RE HITLER AND I HATE YOU FOREVER