My dogs have learned that whenever they hear the f-word in the kitchen, there’s now food on the floor.
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God: Build me an ark.
Noah: A what?
God *pinching his nose*: A big boat.
Noah *looking around the desert*: A what?
Her: “Want to see a picture of my baby?” Me: “Does it look like a baby?” Her: “Yes…” Me: “Seen it”
Putting my ducks in a basket and my eggs in a row…
…because chaos.
What Harry Potter house am I in?! I am a SERIOUS and MATURE adult.
So Ravenclaw.
I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down……
inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.
Unless you want to be immortalized as a sloth don’t let someone take your picture after you eat 2 dozen wings
-Buddha
Our vision of Hell doesn’t come from the Bible; it’s a composite drawn from fictional sources like The Divine Comedy and Paradise Lost. Fearing Hell is tantamount to fearing the plot of a Stephen King novel.
WAITRESS: Is that a no on dessert?
THE NEWS: gas prices are at an all time high
ME: *hasn’t left my house in over 2 years* oh no
I thought this waitress was in love with me but then right in front of my eyes she started to bring other people food.
Child: [misbehaving]
Me [picking up phone]: That’s it, I’m calling Santa.
Child: Dad I’m 19.
[on trial for murder]
lawyer: have you ever eaten cereal with water
me: [sweating] I don’t see how that’s-
judge: answer the question
Life is short. Beat it up and steal its lunch money.
Sorry babe, you knew you were dating a bad boy [shuffles Pokemon cards without the plastic covers]
*gets whistled at, but by traffic cop
Men: Masters of multitasking – can watch sports, ignore laundry, and forget your birthday, all at once.
she is beauty, she is grace
she’s got a hotdog for the space
“About this postcard ‘Having a wonderful time wish you were here.’ Why didn’t you want me to come with you in the first place?”
“Then I would have had to reword it.”
My 1-year-old already knows how to open the baby gate. She stands there, screams, and I open the gate for her.
midcentury futurists:
technology will one day eliminate human suffering and enable us to live life to its fullest, most joyous potentialtechnology:
WIFE: *holding pregnancy test* well this is unexpected
ME: *rubbing wife’s tummy* can we discuss a different name?
Me: i’m so hungover.
Wife: what do you need?
Me: *groans* some hair of the dog.
Wife: *empties vacuum bag on me*
The longer you’re a parent the harder it is to act excited when people tell you they’re pregnant.
My 5yo didn’t wanna get in the bath last night so I told her it was filled with birthday water and this was her only chance to experience it until her next bday and I’ve never seen her get in the bath faster. Now if you don’t mind, I’m gonna ride this parenting high for a bit.
Parenting talk translated.
“Come on you’re very tired, you need to get to bed.”
Actually means:
“Come on, I’m very tired, you need to get to bed.”
I hope people think my toddler has a slight English accent bc we’re so cultured and not bc she’s basically been raised by Peppa Pig
I assume the #1 reason people change their identity is b/c they answered “You too” when the barista said “Enjoy your bagel.”
me: [jumping out of a cake]
skydiving instructor: really not necessary for the experience
I thought the brakes on my car were squealing but it was just a Mariah Carey song on the radio.
damn even trashcans have a better love life than i do
Damn boy, are you wearing an anti-gravity suit?
‘Cause I’m not the least bit attracted to you.