My dogs have requested that I stop trying to homeschool them.
You Might Also Like
2.5 hours into self quarantine: *gains 10 lbs
Inside you are two wolves. One is dressed as your grandmother. The other is huffing & puffing & attempting to blow your house down.
Billy Joel’s washing is still wet because he didn’t start the dryer.
If it’s unimportant, I’ll remember it.
[ First day as a bartender ]
Me: *unzips customers pants*
Him: wtf!?
Me: you said make it stiff
Me: I learned everything I know about Cinco de Mayo from watching Coco.
Him: Coco was about Day of the Dead, not Cinco-
Me: Cinco, Coco, YOU KNOW I DON’T SPEAK SPANISH, TODD!
I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.
trainer: Why are you here?
everyone else: To get fit!
me [with a mouthful of gummy bears] Mmfff
Good: Waking up every day
Bad: in 2020
I wouldn’t complain if I died, mostly because I’d be dead.
How funny!
Dealer: Anyone follow you dude?
Me: just my cat
*dealer opens trench coat & my mom jumps out*
Mom: why are you using drugs???
Still cleaning up glitter from my 5yo’s school project.
She turns 15 on Sunday.
Not to brag but my wife and I can hold complete conversations by rage loading the dishwasher
Dads be like, “Picked out the t-shirt I’ll be wearing every weekend for the next 20 years.”
My 3yo was so excited to go to his first yard sale! He had $1 to spend on a toy and carefully chose a large plastic shark head. I was relieved it wasn’t something messy! When we got home we discovered it was actually a toy carrier and there were THIRTY miniature sharks inside. 😑
Me: *grins* Couldn’t help but notice you checking me out.
Girl: Yeah, I’m a cashier at a grocery store. That’s my job.
My kids just locked themselves in my bedroom to “have a party,” which involves wearing my clothes and eating goldfish crackers in secret. I’m not mad, just offended that I wasn’t invited.
Mario: hey u up?
Princess: yeah y?
M: come over 😉
P: can’t. Kidnapped 🙁
M: Where? I’ll save u
P: castle. Up stairs, next 2 flagpole
M: k
I asked my 13-year-old what time I need to pick her up tonight. She told me to check the practice schedule she already gave me. That’s the kid version of “as per my last email.”
If your pop-by work question takes longer than it takes to toast a Pop Tart or microwave a Pizza Pop, that isn’t a pop-by. Make an appointment.
I don’t have friends with ugly babies mostly because I believe in honesty
Getting to know someone is a lot like making toast; don’t do it in the bathtub.
THEM: You can’t go wrong with this recipe.
ME: Watch me.
He told her that trees blossom in her presence. What he meant was that she scares the sap back up into them.
Me: Here you go.
Her: WTF?
Me: It’s the genital mold you wanted.
Her: I said gelatin mold!
Me: *waddles away with pants around ankles*
I need to update my racial profile.
My neighbor told me his son watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth tomorrow?
The first 36 years of my childhood have been the hardest.