Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Whenever there’s a bee trapped inside my house, I always open all the doors and windows so all the other bees can join it and it doesn’t die alone.

Hate when the grammar police single me out like some kind of which hunt

I think we all know that one person who seems to make it a daily goal to incorporate every color of the rainbow in their outfit.

Any minute now the cactuses are just going to start walking around and we’re all going to be like how did we not see this coming

Me: A bird just flew in the building.

CW: That means someone’s gonna die!

Me: *grabs letter opener

Her:

Me: I don’t make the rules Karen

Google, Microsoft and Disney are
among suitors for Twitter

Will it be

Twoogle ?
Twindows ?
The Wonderful World of Tweets ?

Be prepared

*looking in The Mirror of Erised*

Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*

Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*

I made a smoothie with oat milk. It was horrible. So next time I will use this recipe:

1.) Take carton of oat milk. Change name on carton to boat milk with sharpie.
2.) Next, float it out to middle of lake.
3.) Last, light it on fire like a Viking funeral.

You can learn a lot about what went on at my house over the weekend by following the wine splatter pattern.

Gonna get “na na na na na na na na” tattooed on my forearm. I’ll tell girls it’s Hey Jude and I’ll tell dudes it’s the Batman theme.

Have kids so when they do the dishes there’s still a sink full of dirty dishes.

Thank you to whoever has been keeping Keanu Reeves busy with a laser pointer for the last 10 years.

When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.

Just heard a lady tell a 4yo to “get it together!” I’m not sure she knows how 4yos work.

SPIN INSTRUCTOR: you can do this, you just have to want it

ME, NOT EATING ICE CREAM SANDWICHES IN BED: neat. what’s another way?

2am Sunday morning and bam! it’s 1am again

Me: what the hell…I already did this hour

Working from home has been a good way to find out which of my neighbors have loud lawnmowers and barking dogs. All of them. The answer is all of them.

The Roomba is broken and now my wife expects me to fix it like she married Inspector Gadget or something.

Me: You’re not like other girls.

3-year-old: *continues looking for the right Barbie to fight her dinosaurs*

Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”

the most audacious part of the trojan horse plan must’ve been trying to keep all the soldiers inside from giggling so much

It doesn’t matter where you hide. Your children will hunt you down, find you, and tell you they’re thirsty.

In my experience, bowling and pancakes have the same energy.

High hopes at the beginning, lowered self-esteem at the end.

Turn your trip to the grocery store into a ninja challenge by shopping strictly out of other people’s carts when they’re not looking.

No thanks, newborn babies of literally any species on planet Earth.

Come back when you’re less pink & rubbery & can loan me thirty dollars.

[first day working at Viagra]

BOSS: We need a new slogan.

ME: *sweating* This is really hard.

BOSS: You’re a goddamn genius, Johnson.

Wife: Why don’t you buy me flowers?

Me: I didn’t realise you sold them. Also why are you talking like a pirate?

Perks of dating me: You will be the hot one

there’s no rule that says you have to share your birthday cake, you can just blow out the candles and take that shit home with u

A lot of people wonder if u have to choose between a creative career and making money, and I just wanna say stick with it long enough & you can have neither 🙏