My dogs have requested that I stop trying to homeschool them.
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Voter fraud started when I lost People Magazine’s Sexiest Man Alive in 1997.
[first day as burglar]
me : OMG SNACKS
Me: I’m cutting back on wine!
Future Me: You might want to hold off on that decision until you hear what’s coming .
body: you’re dehydrated
me: I literally just drank a glass
narrator: that was 3 days ago
Fellas,
If you kill a spider while you’re at her place, congratulations. You will be having sex.P.S. Bring a spider.
Money doesn’t grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.
what if mayonnaise was like peanut butter and either creamy or crunchy
Unfollowed a bunch of people this morning because of their views on sweater vests.
Maybe people are the dumbest creatures on Earth, and animals just pretend to be dumber to avoid talking to us.
My dog just looked at me and sighed. He has to stop hanging out with my wife.
Friend: Where do you get your sense of humor?
Me: My dad. But don’t say that to him.
F: Why not?
Me: He gets really mad.
i don’t know what just happened, but i was at the animal shelter before work and a toddler walked in and pointed at me and went “i want that one” and his mom just looked at me and said “you can’t have that, that’s a grown man”
haha, we all make mistakes. for example, i ate some oysters that i found in the hotel hallway & now i can see my ancestors
Recent studies link bacon to cancer.
“Ya, don’t eat bacon, you’ll get so much cancer”, said one pink scientist.
My daughter just finished watching Frozen so, counting today that’s 12,521,865,635,869 times since Tuesday
Turkeys are crazy.
They hunch down and freeze in groups
in grocery store coolers to elude hunters.Must be a safety in numbers thing.
I’ll call it a smartphone the day I yell “where’s my smartphone?” And it yells
” Down here in the couch cushions”
you’d think the thing in my house with the most cat hair on it would be my cat
“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”
I was dating this guy who took me home to his parents’ house for the weekend and his mom was learning taxidermy and I slept in a room with all her practice chickens
Just did that little side to side “oops we keep choosing the same direction and getting in each other’s way aren’t we silly!” dance with someone and she ended up saying “oh just move out the way! Idiot”
That’s not in the rules!
Apologies to our waitress Amy who said to my dad, “wanna box for the leftovers?” and he replied, “no, but I’ll wrestle you for them” hope we tipped enough
BREAKING: Swiss Police confirm that, when arrested, all seven FIFA officials threw themselves on the ground and pretended to be injured.
I’m tired of hearing that a traditional family is the only way to have a family. A family can be two parents & their kids. It can be a group of friends that love each other or it can be one woman that is followed around by a mysterious flock of blackbirds. Your family is valid.
First date idea: you rescue me out of the tree I got stuck in while looking through your windows.
There’s never a good place to clip your toenails at the library.
“The Walking Dad,” but it’s just a guy walking around the house turning off lights and muttering that he’s “not made of money”
Let’s go to bed and do naughty things.
Fast forward to: jumping on the bed wearing our shoes and giggling uncontrollably.
by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance
Me: C’mon, baby. Just the tip?
Her: No!
Me: Awww, cmon!
Her: No, you’re paying the whole bill this time.