“My dog’s learning to speak a foreign language.”
“Español?”
“No, he’s a labrador.”
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Me: Why aren’t you smiling in your school picture?
Child: Because I’m at school.
Me: So?
Child: Can I see your work ID?
Me: OK never mind I get it.
My wife said she got a life insurance policy on me in case something tragic happened and I was like wow she thinks my death would be tragic!
“T.G.I.F!” – not Jesus, probably.
My lame jokes will never be as shitty as the people who respond to them with “ba dum tss”.
how does everyone know when fruits are in season.. when did u learn that. did i miss fruit season day in algebra. did u swallow a farmers almanac. why are peaches only in season for 8 hours a year
Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: “Toast”
Kylo Ren: I will finish what you started
Me (running relay race): dude just take the baton
Bill is short for Billiam
I dig, you dig, we dig, he digs, she digs, they dig.
It’s not a beautiful poem, but it’s very deep.
After Jaws, I wouldn’t go in water. After the Godfather, I wouldn’t eat at Italian restaurants. I wish I’d seen the Omen before having kids.
Oscillating fans are for people that want to be cool every 5-7 seconds.
Reporter: How do you feel that your proposal was turned down by Congress?
Obama: Well, I’ve alw–
Biden: [grabs mic] TURNED DOWN FOR WHAT?
am i supposed to have a separate mouth with which to kiss my mother please advise
Love is blind but I’m keeping an eye open from now on for you eating all the cookie dough pieces out of my ice cream
Fitness friend: Do you know what you’re putting in your body?
*flashes back to ex
*shudders
The overwhelming urge to stick my finger in queso every time I see some is why I could never work at a Mexican restaurant.
There’s a spider that’s been in the same place on my living room wall for an hour so he’s essentially also watching Shrek.
Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.They put me in the ICU.
*points at houseplant*
no, YOU have a drinking problem!!
“If we don’t know a word for something, why can’t we just make one up?” he remarked confusatorily.
But I’m the good kind of abomination, right???
I gave a yelp review once.
In my defense, it was my first bikini wax.
Barber: Do you want to see the back?
Me: Sure
*2 minutes later*
Barber: So, this is the staff room.
Dating is just deciding if you like a person more than being lonely, then choosing wrong.
Filed a restraining order against Starbucks. Creepy. Every time I turn around, there they are.
Stop making fast and furious movies.
Roses are red
Daisies are white
I’m in a grumpy mood
My underwear is too tight
Everyone goes through a phase where they think they can speak Italian
Is Miley Cyrus pregnant? Will The government stay shut down? Will the GTA online servers work? Find out on the next episode of Dragon Ball Z
if somone acidentaly walks in while ur in the bathroom, do not react at all. this avoids embarasment & makes them wonder if they are a ghost