Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my dad is heart reacting pics of my mom that he himself sent in the family group chat

Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….

If you’re ever chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, over a little seesaw and through a hoop of fire.

They’re trained for that.

Guy got to the gym a few minutes before I did and asked “Are you ok with listening to metal?” so I was just like “Yeah sure that’s fine” and he put on Fall Out Boy lol

[date]

Her: tell me something about yourself

Me: *remembers girls like tough guys* I killed a man

Her: …

Me: *remembers girls also like sensitive guys* but I cried afterwards

I have this fantasy that all lights go out in the world when I’m at the grocery store. While everyone panics, I grab a head of broccoli, stab the base with a carrot, and light it like a torch.

Look, I never said I was any good at fantasy, you guys.

Purgatory but it’s just my daughter trying to count to 10 but stopping at 7 and starting over

Kids will be like, “How was I suppose to know it would spill?”

– my son chasing his sisters around our living room with an open container of fake blood.

High heels are beautiful and sexy until you wear them for 5 minutes and want to throw them against a wall.

The only time I’ll care about Basketball:

HER: i’m leaving u

ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia

HER: yes

ME: did the dog put you up to this

Looking at pictures of myself as a kid taken just after my mother cut my bangs makes me wonder what she used to mix in her Tang.

Santa- “ho ho ho, Mer-“

Me- “tf did you just call me?”

I try not to get political on twitter, but cinderella’s step mom was a real piece of shit

MATH TEACHER: what is half of thirty
ME: thi

Um, yes, I love this place. How much is the deposit?

“Ma’am, this is a psych ward.”

Yeah….seems legit. *dusts off hands* another customer satisfied.

[shopping]

[wife being a real pain]

Me: *hands her the broom we just bought* You want me to carry this? Or do you want to drive it home?

I just told my wife it took her longer to pick a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring and that was a bad analogy.

Don’t tell me miracles don’t happen, I opened the dryer door and there was nothing inside!

Thank god for cauliflower rice. Finally a way to chew hot water

[skydiving with my dog]
Me: ur ears r inside out
My dog: can’t hear u my ears r inside out
Me: it’s the wind
My dog: I think it’s the wind

Normalize calling a Stanley cup a sippy cup to piss your kid off.

I hate it when cops pull you over to give you pop quizzes like “do you know how fast you were going?”Or “is that a raccoon smoking a joint?”

Outside: Massive bolts of lightning. Deafening roars of thunder. Buckets of rain pouring from the heavens as the lights flicker.

Alexa: A thunderstorm warning has been issued-

Me: NO SHIT ALEXA

Nobody has ever been more surprised than a husband hearing about his wife’s plans for the second time.

iPods will never teach kids to be ready to jump over sofas to push the “Rec” button on the tape deck when your song comes on.

Some say Obama is the biggest liar of all time..
I say, the person who chose the spelling of, “Colonel” is the biggest liar of all time

Me: [I run into the break room at work] You! You have summoned me! I am here.

Coworker: What?

Me: You just summoned me. I heard you.

Coworker: I opened a can of Spaghettios.

Me: Yes.

Oh my God.