Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’

I’m not judging you, I’m just trying to guess what medications you’re on.

I’m at the point where my mind thinks I’m 29, my knees suggests I’m 80, and my back wonders why I’m not dead yet.

I own 2 crabs. One is happy and the other is grumpy. The happy one is crab A.

The grumpy one is crab B.

i’d imagine the sound of clowns having sex would just be a cacophony of bicycle horns

(after sex)

Would you mind completing this brief survey?

Emily Dickinson: hope is the thing with feathers

Taxidermist: you’re fired

My mom regularly mentions that I was a large baby

I turn 25 in two weeks

ME: Can you stop the car here? I wanna pet the dogs at that animal shelter.

ARRESTING OFFICER: No.

I drink a lot of water for someone who claims to hate being alive

me, as a child: *walks into the kitchen covered in my own blood holding a rabbit I fought from a hawk*

my mom, on the phone: *mouthing* I’m on the phone

Kid: He is the baddest person in the whole world
Me: Baddest isn’t a word, u can say worst
Kid: What is worst
Me: It means very bad
Kid: How bad
Me:
Kid:
Me: Baddest

me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand

The electric toothbrush battery died but luckily my skill set allows me to use it like a manual.

…

Day 27 without sports:

Hesitated for an inappropriately long moment before intervening in my kid’s living room brawl.

[dog park]
*random dog humps my dog*

Owner: It’s okay! He’s fixed, haha!

Me: Its okay— mine’s a boy.

I never rule out murder as the crime, even when it’s jaywalking.

Sorry I was late for geometry class, I got on the rhombus

[Boss hands me 12 pages of complaints about my smart-ass remarks]

Me: so I guess the whole “we’re going paperless” rules dont apply to you?

extrovert: want to come out with us

me: i’ll let you no.

ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?

Going to a DaBaby concert because I need some alone time, and I know no one else will be there.

For once I would like to get through an entire work day without my boss waking me up.

I avoid cheating on my spouse by not getting married.

Looking for recipe ideas, I’d like to use up this uranium before it goes bad.

Sent an email to my Mom. Now I’m at her place showing her how to open it.

Daughter: Mommy, what’s that thing in your drawer that goes buzz buzz?

Me:

Daughter:

Me:

Daughter:

Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM!

[taking my date for a walk in the woods]

HER: this sure is a dense forest

ME [trying to impress]: yeah it’s dumb as hell

Wife: no bird puns this year at Thanksgiving

Me: fine but I get to do some now.

Wife: owl allow it.

Me: wait-what are you doing?

Wife: toucan play this game.

Me: I don’t like this.