Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Oh dear… I should get out of the way, he’s probably trying to catch a bad guy.

-me getting pulled over

My daughter turns 3 today. Due to our tight budget, we’re not telling her.

Walked into the kitchen and saw my wife laughing while putting a banana in the garbage disposal so I think I’ll sleep in the other room.

No one ever talks about what a flex it is when Yoda just gets tired of answering all of Luke’s questions and dies

Trick your partner into thinking you’ve been to Costco by coming home with a canoe & a years supply of dishwasher tablets.

I never pray harder than when I’m trying on a new pair of skinny jeans.

Mugger: “Give me your wallet and watch.”

*hand over my wallet*

Me: “Okay, I’m watching.”

Me: I need to finish the semester strong

Friend: hey

Me: u right, I should skip class tomorrow

*Makes sure the new girl at work sees how much pineapple I eat at lunch*

*winks*

WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.

Do you Karen promise to love and to cherish Mark, always put the toilet paper on the roll over the top, and not leave crumbs in the butter?

how much my patient talks about their healthy choices
▶ 🔘──────── 00:05

how much my patient talks about their single daughter
▶ 🔘──────── 74:36:15

You OK? You’ve barely touched your crocssant!?!

They’re playing loud country music outside the liquor store.

Like that’s going to dissuade me.

A little boy at the park ran away from my twins and promptly told his mom, “they scare me cause there’s two of them!!” Same, buddy, same.

Water: can you do me a solid?

God: sure *turns it into ice*

Husband: wanna have a quickie?
Me: As opposed to what?

There’s trash talk, then there’s this.

I thought stacking Oreos and displaying them in a decorative jar was a great idea, but I’m just eating them instead.

San Andreas is just like Godzilla only Godzilla is invisible

This is my emotional support online shopping cart

My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.

I’m out here thumping watermelons like someone will murder my entire family if I pick the wrong one.

Whoever thinks money doesn’t buy happiness can deposit it in my bank account.

If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.

I’m single in quarantine and just found a box of googly eyes. I’m going to place them on objects around the house because I miss social anxiety.

With virtually no power, there still comes a surprisingly large amount of responsibility.

We as humans are so lazy and entitled at this point. For example, I just typed two letters of a word on my laptop and then sat there waiting for something or someone else to do the rest.

Not today. 😅

“The curb is just a reverse pothole” I whisper to myself as I hear the wheel scraping against cement.