Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match

Asked my 10yo where she was going to hide her candy so her sister couldn’t find it, and she said “my mouth” and rolled her eyes because ask a stupid question.

AMERICA: We don’t need the metric system, our measurement system is fine
AMERICAN MEASUREMENT SYSTEM:

that’s exactly what a van without puppies would say

iPhone 8 is like your ex coming back after a year saying they changed, you give them another a chance and realize they’re basically the same

I THOUGHT IT WAS AN EDIBLE

I love when SVU recycles actors years later as if I won’t know this is the same woman who put a child in an igloo cooler and set it sail on the Hudson in 1999

Detective: how were u able to do it?

Serial Killer: thanks to the flexibility of Uber. I was able to work my own hours and still murder

Officer: I’m arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia. Man: No wait! I can explain everything!

everyone is saying “i wouldn’t touch this topic with a ten foot pole” and nobody is stopping to think about me, the guy who makes his living selling ten foot poles. my children are starving because you can’t come up with a take.

DOCTOR: Mrs. Nice Guy? I’m so sorry, but I have some terrible news…

Boss: I expect total transparency from my staff

Trevor: That’s not always practic—

John the Jellyfish: NO PROBLEM BOSS

If the vaccine gives me any superpower, I hope that it is the ability to find my car in a parking lot

[Hospital]

New mom: [happy] She’s so beautiful. And she has your nose.

New dad: [suspicious] No, she doesn’t.

New mom: I was addressing the elephant in the room.

Elephant: [just walked in with flowers] shit….

Just tossed my hair seductively and a chicken nugget fell out.

I’ll bet my mom’s up in heaven right now, smiling, thinking, “Wow, it was really nice of them to let me out of hell for the day.”

People think doing meth makes you lose weight but actually it’s the climbing buildings and ripping out the plumbing

I’m so hungover. My sweat is pure tequila. A mosquito landed on me and now I think it’s drunk. It’s texting its ex.

Mom is flying into JFK during Friday rush hour. An ‘anonymous tip’ should allow me to pick her up at the TSA and avoid the terminals.

on our farm rn we have 16 regular ducks. and then we have reginald. reg is 4lbs of pure hatred in the approximate shape of a duck. he is the duck god of chaos. every night he refuses, with violence, to go inside his coop, despite loving it in there. i hate him but i respect him

What the hell is going on in that bathroom?

I just texted a friend a super hilarious meme and all he did was give it a thumbs up. I’ve never been more angry.

[performance review]

boss: what would you say is your biggest strength

me: i’m consistent

boss: but you’re late every morning

me: ya

boss: why did you cross out “world” on my “world’s best boss” mug

me: have you met every boss in the world

boss: no bu—

me: just seems like a lofty claim

boss: {gesturing at my “universe’s awesomest employee” shirt}

me:

boss:

me: this one’s true tho

Would you rather have ten thousand dollars or five dollars for every time you thought you were hilarious but no one laughed?

Used to be you could wash your pots and pans immediately after use and be done with it. But you can’t anymore. Because of soak

i too will be having a baby outside of dave grohl’s marriage. you don’t see me making it a whole thing

why neck hurt

Me: You’re such a good boy.
Dog: *tail wagging* Please leave the room so I can eat the couch.

You learn early in life not to play around in your mom’s purse. Especially things that look like a little can of silly string.

The mace stays in your lungs and eyes for life.