Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

IF YOU CANNOT HANDLE ME AT MY WORST THAT IS FINE I AM A TERRIFYING AND POWERFUL THING AND ALL SHOULD LIVE IN FEAR

Me: Age is just a number

My body: And today you’re 85 lol

WIFE: i want to get to the mall early to beat the crowd

ME: but if we wait *grabbing baseball bat* there’ll be more of them

If you’re going to gift a child a craft kit then you also have to do the craft with them. It’s the law.

What I Say To 7:
“This is just between us”

What 7 Hears:
“Tell Mom everything and please embellish it to make it sound 100 times worse”

Lowes can be picky, they refused my coupon. Some lame excuse about written in crayon

he’s a little confused but he got the spirit

The enemy of my frenemy is my frenenemy

“This steak is really chewy.”

*me drunk, eating my dog’s toy*

When can I start eating bats again.

I owe my mom for pretty much all of who I am.

So, if you’re looking for someone to blame, there you go.

I just ruined my 5 year olds’ entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun

Yay parenting

I don’t care what my husband says, technically he is a brother-in-law to my mom’s dog.

Nurse – “OK we are gonna start you on the scale”
Me – “You know what maybe I’m not so sick after all, *pulls knife put of leg*

Delivering eulogy at o’possum’s funeral: Before I start I’d like to give Jeff a few more minutes to come around.

TT: At sunday dinner I like to perform an impromptu puppet show with the roast chicken. This week it’s my interpretation of Die Hard 2.

“Sorry I was skeptical about your cough.”

-my new line of Get Well cards

Just saw a dude catcall a woman with “Nice heels, girl” and his friend slapped him and said “Those are knock offs, bro”

My 4yr old keeps handing me toy dinosaurs and asking what kind they are and I have no clue… so I’ve been making up names.

Oh buddy that’s a plethosaurus.
That one’s a legiosaurus.
That’s a longneckasaurus.
Oh yes and this is the elusive bigbuttosaurus.

Everyone is all “love is patient” during the wedding but when there’s a long line for the open bar, not so much.

COMMENCE ANNIHILATI… Sorry, wrong notes, that’s tomorrow’s speech. Here’s the right one: You have nothing to fear from Project Omega …

What do you call someone who only believes 12.5% of the Bible?

An eighteist.

This might not be true but we have house centipedes so I was looking up how to get rid of them and ppl were like don’t, they’re apex predators so they’ll eat all the other bugs, then the other centipedes and eventually you’ll be left with just one extremely powerful centipede

The only reason I insist on returning to the office is because my cat needs a break from me staring at him all day.

I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.

google ai LOVES to step in when it sees “vs” and will try its hardest to compare whatever you throw at it

my dad didn’t let me date untill i was pregnant…

And when you saw one set of footprints, that must be when you started paying attention cause I got tired and went home a while ago

WIFE: Stop spending all our money
ME: Okay, fine
[later]
WIFE: *visibly angry* WTF?
ME: *zooming by on a new Segway* RELAX KAREN, I STOLE IT

I’m not saying that my husband is trying to kill me….

… I’m just saying that if I die from walking into an open kitchen cabinet that he’s the dumbass who left it open.