My dog’s the one that’s getting chonky, so why do I have to exercise too?
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ME: you really put the cute in executione-
WARDEN: alright hit the switch
I’ve shenanned before… and I’ll shenanigan
I accidentally opened a survey and tried to close it. I got a message that said “please answer survey!”
You need to slow your roll there survey.
sighs “always the predator, never the prey…”
It’s hard to take my lawyer seriously when his Peppa Pig mask is upside down
Auto carrots has been really aggressive with the editing lately
Oh OK thanks for the tip, I was actually planning on letting the bed bugs bite but good call
A remake of The Ring, except it’s Jeff Goldblum joyfully crawling out of your TV.
guys I wanna start watching the news but I’ve never seen a single episode and I don’t have time to watch it all before the new season starts can one of you catch me up?
Him: You’re some eye candy.
Me: Yeah! A Sour Patch.
Our cruise ship’s movie theater is showing Titanic. That’s a foreshadow, right?
If Rosanne Barr married Raymond Burr before divorcing him and going on to marry Roger Black, Meryl Streep, Derek Hough, Michelle Yeoh, Gok Wan then finally settling down with a toothed whale, her full surname would be Barr Burr Black Streep Hough Yeoh Wan Narwhal.
It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m quite busy.
This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out.
[being strangled]
me: wait stop
murderer: what
me: did u wash your hands
Itching, flaky skin? Burning sensation while urinating? You’re probably on fire!
I’m really not that tall. I’m just sitting on my wallet.
– me flirting
My toddler was crying because she couldn’t be in the same room as my husband when he was in a work meeting. In an effort to console her, my 10-year-old told her one day she’ll also get to do work meetings. This, rightfully so, made her cry harder.
4: How do you spell no?
Me: Sound it out. What makes the na na na na na na na na na sound?
4: Batman?
(Spelling is hard)
5…! 4…! 3…! 2…! 1…! RENT IS DUE!!! 🎉🥳🎉
me: shoot for the moon
astronaut: houston please I need actual coordinates
Last year my husband and I both gave each other NyQuil for Christmas. I’m just not sure we are going to be able to top the gift of sleep this year.
Met a dog named Donut. I don’t need that kind of reminder all day. Excuse me, I have to go take Smaller Portions for a walk.
“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I?
I took a nap until I finally heard a car coming.”
Why is lumberjack the only job with some random guy’s name attached? Why aren’t plumbers called, like, toiletdougs? Or crapperjoels?
INFORMER!!!
Younosaydahdfrxqpgirnmekdmhgjwrztnhyenixblaamm…
A LICKY BOOM BOOM DOWN!
Friday the 13th used to mean something. Now every day is awful.
“Children can be very cruel,” I reassure my 6 year-old. “But sometimes it seems like you aren’t even trying.”
I’m not saying that asking your kids to clean will always make things worse, but I asked my 4yo to clean his muddy shoes and found him standing naked in a full bathtub polishing them with his toothbrush
Spent $500 on groceries today. Any minute now, one of my kids will list 10 things I forgot.