My dog’s the one that’s getting chonky, so why do I have to exercise too?
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We’re all McNuggets in search of the right dipping sauce.
My boss want to sign us up for a 401k. No way I’m running that far.
I’ve got 19 yo boys lining up to mow my lawn. Cougar game strong? Nah, I just make a mean lasagna.
if you watch Titanic from d back; it’s about dead people resurrecting from the sea, pulling up a ship fixing it and sailing to England
People need to learn how to record their name on a voicemail system.
“You have one new voicemail from… *heavy breathing* Toooooooddddd”
Its really disgusting how other white people dont even know about the plight of [quickly wikipedias “Who is having alot of plight 2012]
Theater attendant:
Sir, you can’t bring your own popcorn in hereMe: *pausing microwave
What?
[Every restaurant ever]
Manager: “Has he got a mouthful of food?”
Waiter: “Yes.”
Manager: “Go and ask him how his meal is.”
Canadian cattle can now legally
graze on cannabis plants.The steaks have never been higher.
Only thing I Iike about kids, is their ability to attract ice cream trucks
Male writers often compare women to dessert foods. E.g. ‘She had brown chocolate eyes and cherry red lips.’ Whereas, they tend to describe men using savoury foods. E.g. ‘His leg was like a massive baguette.”
when you let your kid brother name your custom player
No, I always make this wincing face when I talk to people saying awful shit. It’s not just you.
Boss: HR wants to see you
Me: What for?
Boss: Mandatory drug test
Me: Oh man, I really can’t do any more drugs after the weekend I had
(seeing your lamp) you have a pet sun! (touching it, it burns) and i see it’s not trained very well 😐
[2025]
Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.
you could post a photo of a celebrity like “she looked so cool in the 90s” and some freak will quote tweet it like “Yeah, she looked so cool in the outfit she wore to go run over 15 people with her car on June 4th, 1993.” and it’s like i’m sorry why would i know about that
[me narrating a documentary about narrators]
“I can’t hear what they’re saying cuz I’m talking”
Frankenstein was 90% about someone making up a guy and then getting mad at him
Me: I’m so fat…
Him: *rolls eyes*
Me: *rolls fat*
Before gunpowder, entire wars were fought with nothing but pinecones and latent rage.
Every time my wife makes asparagus I think she’s trying to catch me peeing in the shower.
5 told me they read Pinocchio at school and that Pinocchio’s nose got big if he lied, then she looked at me and said “wow mummy you must have lied a lot”
You: I’m combining breakfast and lunch. Brunch.
Me: I’m combining wine and dinner. Winner
A number of people involved in the violence at the U.S. Capitol on January 6 are still at large. Help the #FBI apprehend them. If you recognize this individual, submit a tip to When you leave a tip, reference photo 223.
Inventor of the table: I wish the floor was closer but like not all of it
Me (to friend): Oh my god, you have to meet him! He’s perfect!!
[8 years later]
Silently becomes enraged at the way he butters toast.
Construction sites are dangerous places. I nearly blacked out holding in my stomach as I walked past one.
In 8th grade I had to take care of an egg to teach me responsibility. That egg hatched, and I raised the chicken as my own. He was delicious
White parent Vs Arab parents