My dog’s the one that’s getting chonky, so why do I have to exercise too?
You Might Also Like
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
‘daddy this ice cream’s cold’ my 4yo tells me, again adding zero conversational value
Never hate someone for the color of their skin or who they love. Hate them for putting mayo on a hotdog. That person deserves it
*cold day in hell
Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?
Him: You need to be more active in your community.
My Community: NOOOOO!!!!
herekittykittykittykitty
– me stoned about to lose a hand to a raccoon
Amazon just got FAA approved for drone deliveries in Texas.
So now we have skeet shooting with miscellaneous prizes.
Jennifer Aniston is always cast in the same role because she’s a victim of Rachel profiling.
Could be worse. Someone could be trying to tell you that everything happens for a reason.
whenever they do this I can only imagine athletes are telling each other who they have a crush on
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 🙁
excusing myself in the middle of a date to go to the bathroom and baby-wipe down my whole body. to keep it weird.
*saves baby from burning building*
“How can I ever repay you?!”
Favstar in the bio
“Oh I don’t have Twi-”
*returns baby to burning building*
You can’t die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*
Whenever I see a couple doing yard work, I like the one standing by the bags of dirt who looks like they can’t quite believe they are outdoors and can’t fathom how they’ve gotten caught up in this terrible thing.
AVOCADO: Hello I’m good fat
BACON: *lights cigarette* *punches avocado*
Pizza places should give away free pizza car air-freshners. Within 5seconds of sitting in your car, you WILL crave pizza.
*My dentist, looking at a pork chop dangling from a string*
“You should floss more”
I never text and drive bc that would imply that I actually go places.
a gay boyfriend is kinda like a brother you have sex with
Just updated My Facebook status from “Single” to “In a Trinity”. #wayoverdue
Police found the neighbourhood paedophile shot in the head 27 times. Authorities ruled it the worst case of suicide in a decade.
Good vacation so far, aside from the faceless man telling us “You will never leave this island.”
police: put ur hands behind ur back
me: are u mad at me
When a sales clerk asks if you need help with anything, this does not include kids.
I know this now.
me: hey can I read that recipe
internet: here’s a video of how to make it
me: can I just read it
internet: WATCH THE VIDEO
*only shaves legs in the spots exposed by my ripped jeans*
chasing after a ping pong ball is wildly dehumanizing
Job interview…
Interviewer “On your CV, it says that you are a man of mystery.”
“That’s correct.”
“Would you like to elaborate?”
“No.”
At the age where a big break could mean either my career or a hip