Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sorry I’m late, there was an octopus throwing pies at me so I was literally… Occupied

I thought there had to be another explanation for why they disappear but a repairman just took apart my washer machine AND IT WAS FULL OF LOOSE SOCKS

Heard a rival dad in the neighborhood was handing out full size candy bars so now every trick-or-treater that comes to my door is getting an entire rotisserie chicken.

Just absolutely destroying my kids at ABC Mouse.

Son: Dad can sand melt?

Me putting down my glass: Don’t be ridiculous of course it can’t

I could never give up my dog, he knows too much

EXORCIST: the previous tenant was murdered. You can see their ghost in the background of this photo

SPOOKY GHOST VOICE: oooomg deleeeete it

Zelda was easier as a kid because if you hit a hard puzzle you could just wait a few days for more brain matter to come in but now it’s the opposite, if a puzzle’s hard I have to rush to try and figure it out because I’ll probably be dumber tomorrow

My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.

My daughter has started a fun new game where she tries to guess my age with random numbers like 72 or 94. So fun.

Needless to say…*

*mic drop

It’s crazy how my ex was so upset about losing me that he had to build a life with a new woman.

I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.

APPLE GENIUS: [looks around nervously] if I had a criticism of this phone it would be that-
{trapdoor}
NEW APPLE GENIUS: that it’s perfect.

Just convinced my Mom she won’t get Wolf of Wall Street if she doesn’t see Teen Wolf first. Please play along.

Just say no

CONCERT

AC/DC: Who’s ready to be Thunderstruck?
CROWD: *screams
ME: [from front row] IT’S IMPOSSIBLE TO BE STRUCK BY THUNDER!

I lick all the grapes at the grocery store. It’s romantic. Some stranger is going home with my kisses on their grapes.

In my dreams last night, I met God. He gave me the manuscript for His novel to read, but I never read it, & I had to avoid Him in the town.

Amazon only lets you put 51 items in your cart and
A) that’s bullshit
B) I probably shouldn’t know this

Just saw a woman, covered in red paint, running and screaming from an abandoned country house, LOL good prank.

‘So Timmy, how did you fall into that well?’

‘Oh. I never fell in, I was p-

*sees Lassie do cut throat motion*

-was jumping in.’

what sorcery is this, the iron wasnt workin, so I took it apart put it together again got left with extra parts and screws but its working??

if you mash a potato and then change your mind, just mail me the mashed potato and i will un-mash it and send it back

A screensaver for my face when someone has been talking too long.

Psychic: People say I’m not a real psychic
Therapist: And how does that make you—
Psychic: shower?
Therapist: No
Psychic: potato?
Therapist: No
Psychic: vomit?
Therapist: I think I see the problem

As a child I had the impression that I would be offered free drugs by strangers much more frequently than the 0 times it’s happened.

Screaming into a pillow is therapeutic but it also gets you kicked out of Target.