Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Some people don’t know the opposites to these words:
1. Always
2. Coming
3. From
4. Take
5. Me
6. Down

Told the assistant at the eye doctor’s I thought my eyes got worse, but they haven’t. My glasses were dirty.

Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.

1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.

Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.

I was on a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.

I have two options:
1) go and pick up my son from after school club and get absolutely soaked in the rain.
2) leave him there for the weekend.

Me: Who could that be? It’s 2:00 in the morning.

Her: I don’t know. Do burglars knock?

Me: It depends on how they were raised…

I lost 6 hours of sleep last night, lying in bed wondering if Muppets get haircuts.

I don’t tweet for attention, I jog in a wedding dress

I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.

I don’t see the point of being a godmother if the kid refuses to kiss my ring. I mean, what the hell?

hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more

Not even remotely sorry.

Friend: There are plenty of fish in the sea

Fish in the sea:

My husband and I were at a restaurant and the couple next to us kept feeding each other and let me tell you we would NEVER do that unless it was poison

Please let it be chicken..please let it be chicken

Fixed this for Shakespeare

[Heaven]

God: Sorry I pulled you away from earth

Stan Lee: Nuff said!

God: It’s just part of the job

Stan Lee: well with great power… [winks]

The universe: “Everything happens for a reason”

Me:

this is what they would have looked like, though

Give a man a catfish and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to catfish and he can have Internet boyfriends in 7 different countries.

*stops by new neighbor*
Welcome, I brought you a cake!
-Wow, thank you! You know, you didn’t have to do that!
Oh, ok.
*walks away with cake*

I cleaned out my teen’s room and I found 8 plates, 21 utensils, a TV remote, 8 chapsticks, a burner phone and apparently we have a cat.

your body is a ghost factory that takes one lifetime to produce a ghost

I said something about the 1918 influenza and my friend’s like “that’s how Edward Cullen died”

Anyone know a Minecraft interpreter? I don’t understand my son’s Christmas list.

A robot robbed a bank but was caught when it’s battery died..
Police have no plans to charge the suspect.

I’m here all week😬

[after sex]
her: you were really loud

me: *putting down my trombone* yep

wife [on Facebook] Spent the day with the kids. We had so much fun!

wife [to me] Do you know what those little shits did to me today?

11’s thoughts on tonight’s dinner: “Well, it didn’t make me gag, so I ate it.”

The rewards of motherhood are truly breathtaking.