MY DOG’S VET: who’s a good boy? who’s the handsomest boy? does you wanna cookie? does the handsome good boy want a cookie? does the handsomest best boy ever want a cookie?
MY DOCTOR: you look fatter and paler than I remember, sit down
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10yo: I’m confused. The paper says “20s theme.” But this is the 20s. So we dress like we do everyday?
Me:
Me:
Me: That’s exactly what it means.
*rap battles you for the last chicken nugget*
It’s that time of year when the neighbors start longing for winter days because they’re tired of seeing me at the mailbox in my drawers.
6:There’s a monster under my bed
Me:That’s silly! There’s no such thi..OH GOD IT’S EATING MY ARM
6:SCREAMS
ME:KIDDING it only eats kids
My niece told me Titanic wasn’t its real name and the whole sinking was faked and there was another even bigger ship that sailed to America in secret that was the real Titanic so I asked her who the hell taught her how to sign up for a Facebook account
There’s a programme on the BBC called Elephant Diaries.
You’d think that was one animal that wouldn’t need to keep one.
Welcome to Twitter. It’s like cooking spaghetti: Throw your noodle at the wall to see if something sticks.
Shout out to school music teachers everywhere who made a choice in life to get trapped in a room with 25 kids learning to play the recorder.
Sometimes if you say “Wow, you’re tall!” to a tall person they realize they’re tall for the first time and thank you with cash
“I’m a talking piece of paper. Your eyes are beneath your nose. Nothing’s real here, kid.”
I just feel like you shouldn’t be using a selfie stick unless you’re a T-Rex.
me, several minutes after lying about being able to fly a hot air balloon: im just gonna go this way
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him?
I told him everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people……
That awkward laugh when they’ve said something innocuous, but you’re thinking something incredibly dirty.
2010’s:
Swallowing a Tide pod2020’s:
Swallowing an Air pod
The Good News: My doctor says I’m healthy as a horse.
The Bad News: She used another large farm animal to describe my weight.
When people say I don’t mean to brag they’re bragging about not bragging.
No matter how much I mature, I can’t find a haircut that doesn’t make me look like a baby bird begging for worms.
I just called one ex a calculator and another a potential murder victim so if you’re looking for metaphors, I’m probably the grapefruit.
“Mommy, guess what song this is!”
{Horrid shrieking on plastic harmonica}Um Twinkle Twinkle Little Star?
“No try again”
{Murder sounds}Ring Around the Rosie?
“No no, really listen!”
{My ears begin to bleed}(Voice quivering) Happy Birthday?
“Yes!”
(I begin to cry)
“No. Delete it.” -Mona Lisa
I’m not homophobic, I love my house!
my boyfriend has made me vow to not be annoying at the bob dylan concert i don’t want to go to
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with confetti canons because I like to party
The longer you’re a parent the harder it is to act excited when people tell you they’re pregnant.
Apple has solved laptop theft by making them obsolete by the time thieves get out the door.
Americans will literally use anything BUT the metric system.
This Thanksgiving, take a break from arguing with people online and do it in person.
What idiot decided to call them meteorologists and not Storm Troopers
Me: …. Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: … Dog: have the shrooms kicked-in yet? Me: ..