MY DOG’S VET: who’s a good boy? who’s the handsomest boy? does you wanna cookie? does the handsome good boy want a cookie? does the handsomest best boy ever want a cookie?
MY DOCTOR: you look fatter and paler than I remember, sit down
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My toddler is practicing counting by dropping chocolate chips in my mouth and this is the kind of math I can get on board with
You’re right. My money don’t jiggle jiggle. That’s the folds of my dad bod. Yea. They wiggle wiggle too.
Marriage tip: If your wife says “I didn’t do it” what she means is “You did it”. Accept it and don’t worry that you don’t remember doing it.
I set my alarm for 3:30 am so I could get up and bark in my dog’s sleeping face. So starts the best day of my life…
Shit. My daughter just told me that the handwriting on the Tooth Fairy’s I.O.U. looks the same as mine.
Who needs Botox when some discreetly placed scotch tape and social distancing are a thing.
I have three 11yr olds doing karaoke in my living room right now.
I don’t want to hear about your problems.
Professor: There’s no such thing as stupid questions
Me: *clears throat
Blink once if you’re ok and Blink 182 if you ditched your career to find UFO’s.
Ironically, having a child makes you swear more, not less.
Asked a guy if I could pet his dog and he said “my wife is coming back in a minute.” Sir I am ONLY interested in your dog but it’s kind of reassuring that NONE of us knows how to function in public anymore
My grandpa is on his third wife. The first, I called Nana. The second, I called Mawmaw. Look, I don’t have another cute name in me. That’s just Brenda.
“I hate it when people pretentiously drop French words and phrases into conversations” I said to my fiancé, a propos of nothing, while en route to a café to enjoy hors d’oeuvre and an apéritif.
I could never commit gun violence. The only things I know how to reload are my pill caddy and a Pez dispenser.
This Halloween, I’m going as the one thing more unsettling than a serial killer: someone interested in serial killers
Is it “butt-naked” or “buck-naked?” I want this pool party invite to be perfect.
DOCTOR: wut brings you in today
ME: im feeling funny
*an hour later*
DOCTOR: don’t worry you aren’t
There is no such thing as a hamburger. There are only sad cheeseburgers who are missing their cheese.
crying
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My children are arguing over who gets to sleep on the top bunk. We don’t have bunk beds.
[job int]
“Under skills u put ‘not being afraid of pigeons’.”
[nervously shifts in chair]
“That’s right. Why? Do any pigeons work here?”
Mathematically there’s a very small percentage of the cat that is claws although she so often makes it seem otherwise.
“uh… dare.”
-Pinocchio
Good night hand
Good night toe
Good night every noun I know-my toddler, at bedtime
The recipe blogs that have the “jump to recipe” button are the real winners
Recent studies show that eating bacon or other red meats increases your chances of dying by 20%
So apparently I have a 120% chance of dying
TIM: how are you?
ME: it’s Monday
TIM: yeah
ME: the sun is up
TIM: are u just listing facts?
ME: lettuce is a member of the sunflower family
If you hold the door open for me when I’m more than ten feet away, you aren’t doing me a favor. You’re making me exercise.
#inspiration #foodforthought
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