My dogs would be happier if I spent more time walking them and less time folding their ears inside out.
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just overheard a conversation
“You’re a tutor, right?”
“Yeah”
“What subjects do you toot?”
Why do they call it sweeping the leg and not defeeting your opponent?
Conservatives should be allowed to say whatever they want once they’re in the camps.
COP: *draws gun*
PARTNER: *looking over his shoulder* Someone needs to go to art school. Looks like a platypus.
When somebody asks for directions I just say “follow your heart” and drive away.
It turns out the line is longer for the home office bathroom.
Teacher: you failed your spelling test, all your words are missing a t
Dracula: *pulling out doctor’s note* oh you mean the little cross?
Stop naming your dogs Bella.
We are full.
[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]
Extraordinary.
My robot vacuum and I are cut from the same cloth. When we see a line of dirt on the kitchen floor, we just spin around and go the other way.
“KIDS, GET YOUR SHOES ON WE’RE LEAVING FOR SCHOOL IN SIX HOURS!!!”
— Centipede parents
me: *joking* i’m always right! i’m NEVER wrong.
7: well. sometimes you are. remember when –
me: shut up
No thanks. If I wanted flaky I’d date a pie crust.
From now on I’m gonna tell guests that I made my house especially messy, just for their visit, it was hard but I got it done
Woke up against my better judgement again
I love how some stores don’t even bother hiding that they sell fakes. I respect the hell out of a shop that has Professor Martins front and center. Yes please I will take one pair of Air Georges.
Next time I feel incompetent at my job, I hope I remember that someone once pushed a live software update that crashed half the planet.
I got asked for nudes once and I was like, “No, I’m married.” And he was like, “Yeah, I know. I’m your husband.”
Date: You seem close to your mom
Me: I am
Mom: It is a small table for 3
My neighbor bought a fancy zero-turn mower around the same time I got my beat up old tractor off craigslist. Since then, a couple times a season he has his mower towed off for repairs. Meanwhile, smooth sailing over here.
So the moral of the story is: Mow money, mow problems
Whoever said, “Money can’t buy happiness,” never got a personal cheque for $5.00 from their grandma for their birthday.
Just think: right now, your body is cookin’ up some poop.
Me: What is wrong with me?
Brain: You don’t listen, you’re lazy, zero etiquette, you’re broke with no ambition AND you have weird thoughts that you act out like a play.
Me: Sry, you lost me at “I don’t listen”.
I’ve been getting fewer and fewer new followers but I’ll be damned if I’m going to tweet something good just because some people have taste.
WTF, marathoners? I don’t even like to drive 26 miles.
don’t you dare tell me journalism is dead
Found a USB that can be plugged both ways. Now I miss going wrong.
I put my pants on like everyone else, 2 seconds before the zoom meeting starts.
3yo: Mommy, look outside at the snow.
Me: It’s pretty isn’t it?
3yo: Yeah, it’s your favorite color.
Me: No, that’s not my fav—
3yo: Yes it is
Shout out to countless marine organisms who died, accreted on the seafloor, and compacted for eons so I could drive my Escalade to Kmart.