“My door is always open.”
— World’s worst submarine commander
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new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people had asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
Me: This week was long as shit, I’m exhausted, I have nothing to tweet.
*one minute after turning out light*
My brain: The fictional reality the super-rich have created for themselves is the Yacht Matrix.
“We no longer use straws,” he said, handing me two plastic bottles of water. “They’re bad for the environment.”
me: ..but is it peri-NE-um or per-IN-eum?
priest: for the third time, confession does not need to be this specific
My wife and I have our calendars synced to both of our phones.
I forgot I have a gynecologist appointment next Thursday.
[God creating cheesecake]
GOD: [stuffing his face] oh man this is so good
ANGEL: shouldn’t u share it?
GOD: [creates lactose intolerance]
I just locked eyes with a man at the gym. Was it because of his massive muscles? His perfect sun kissed tan topped with nicely placed tattoos? Was it his large hands and feet? No. It was because he was eating a Caramel Apple Pop and I didn’t know you could still buy those.
they probably named the Rocky mountains first and then saw all the other mountains and were like “oh”
ME, TO MY BEER: Let’s get to the bottom of this.
I’m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they’ve won the Canadian lottery.
Just sold my homing pigeons on Ebay…
…for the 22nd time.
Patient: Doc, my stomach is killing me.
DR DOG: *scratches chin* Have you tried eating grass?
An absolute travesty that in this day and age we don’t have an app for tracking ice cream men.
Burglar: [smashes window]
Burglar: [comes into house]
Burglar: [steals electronics]
Burglar: [steals furniture]
Burglar: [steals jewelry]
Burglar: [ransacks bedrooms]
Burglar: [opens package of cheese]My dog [appearing from nowhere]: hey, what you got there?
Top 5 forms of torture
5. Sleep deprivation
4. Dentist drills
3. Solitary confinement
2. Water boarding
1. Cilantro
When I was a kid, my dad taught me how to fix a car. We would drive to the mechanic and he would be like, “fix my car.”
I told my date I was depressed. I added, “not like cut my inner thigh depressed, but sleep with you even though I don’t like you depressed.”
*world is ending*
Met Gala: LOOK AT MY DRESS THO
Has anyone tried changing 2020 from dark mode back to light mode?
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
my favorite thing about halloween is watching couples fight, name any other time you get to see a drunk penguin break up with a sobbing deadpool cause he was hitting on a sexy crayola box
Orangutan coworkers be like “What did you have for lunch? I had two oranges, one apple, one coconut, two mangos, three limes, ten lemons, one papaya, a guava, fifty five grapes, and ten kiwis”
cop: you’re so busted
me: thanks. I just had them done
Ashley Madison website is having problems. But instead of addressing them directly, it’ll just look for a younger hotter website on the side
Me: I don’t understand why I’m not losing weight.
Husband: Maybe it’s the 5,000 calories in gummies you eat every day.
Me: They’re vitamins!
AC just changed cole slaw to coke slaw so I’ll be busy looking for new recipes
or a new dealer. depends on the recipe I guess
*quits cold turkey*
*looks for ’emotionally available’ turkey*
If I say “Good point. Thank you.” to your inane, mind-numbing reply, I’ve already hired a hitman who can’t be traced back to myself.
Damn girl, are you my inevitable death? Because I hate that you exist, but somehow I always find myself lying awake at night thinking about you.