Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t tell me about your wild weekend. My TV remote died and I switched the batteries around, and now it’s working.

Nurse: What happened to your FINGERS?
Me: You know those chefs who cut up vegetables real fast?
N: Yes?
M: I can’t do that.

4th of July Pro Tip: If you’re looking for quality, never buy fireworks from a guy with more than seven fingers.

I bought one of those endless magician handkerchiefs and boy, is my proctologist gonna earn his copay tomorrow

[dog people] here’s my angel Rex! he knows 19 tricks & brings me my slippers every morning!
[cat people] this is Princess Murder who lets me live with her.she pees on everything i love. her interests include screaming & eating bugs. when she asks me to kill for her i will say yes

You an Obituary liar.

That means you DEAD@$$ lying

Interviewer: What makes you unique?

Me: I’m loyal to a fault, don’t gossip, & work hard.

I: Yeah, so, you’re not really going to fit in.

The Sheep human Contest in France. This is the festival I need right now.

Any kid can get their parent’s car keys, watch out the window for someone to walk close to the car then hit the alarm. None of them do it. Kids are slack. We would have killed for this tech in the 70s.

I make a mortgage-sized payment monthly to send my kid to preschool. Today, I have to pick him up early so they can close to then reopen an hour later for an art show where I can pay a second time to buy art my kid made while I paid for him to be there.

New parent: My child is having a hard time with teething. Any advice?

Veteran parent: Take some whiskey, drink a bunch of it.

Stop sexualizing Facebook going down, those are people’s grandparents

I see your IQ test came back negative

How funny would it be if NASA discovered a sign on Mars that read, “Congratulations humans, level 1 completed!”

UPS delivery tracking is like “your shipment is on a truck which is currently parked next to your house. Estimated delivery is 9 days from now.”

why do birds
sudenly appear
every time
you are near
and how do u
always manage
to fit that many
birds in ur mouth
to begin with

Guess who’s going to finally get their shit together in 2022?

Not me. But God speed, whoever you are.

I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases?

Any room can be an escape room when you have diarrhea

I may not be perfect, but at least my cat loves m—oh he’s just hungry nvm

Raise your hand if you ever ran out of toilet paper and had to use a coffee filter.

So, just me..

No one

Drivers in NC: The light’s only just turned red; I should definitely run it.

Tsunamis are caused by dolphins breakdancing to celebrate passing another IQ test.

absolutely crushed dolphin wordle

My 10 yr old thinks I expect too much out of her.
I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work.

Wife: You left $5 in the jeans I washed.

Me: I guess I’m guilty… *puts on sunglasses* …of money laundering.

*never gets laid again*

*in public restroom*

Mom in next stall, to toddler: No, honey. You don’t take your shoes off to go potty. You have to leave your shoes on.

Me, in my stall: *quietly puts my shoes back on*

7yo: Who’s older: you or dad?

Me: Dad.

7: Then how come you look older?

Me: Santa’s not real.

It was the third time that summer they’d dug up her garden, and Barbara decided it was time to send the bunnies a message.