“My door is always open.”
— World’s worst submarine commander
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aesthetic
I didn’t realize that “sow your wild oats” is a metaphor, so I pretty much spent my early twenties farming.
If the couch is barking, you’re sitting on the dog.
The dog hair situation became dire and I had to lint-roll my face.
I once found a deflated “Get Well Soon” balloon in a graveyard and there’s never been anything more representative of the human condition.
Friend: What’s wrong? Is everything OK?
Me: I don’t want to talk about it.
Also me: [To 20,000 strangers on the internet] you guys ARE NOT going to believe this SHIT
HILARIOUS DAD: who has two thumbs and can hitchhike going either north or south? This guy!
UNAMUSED MOM: renew the AAA I said. You never know when you’ll need it I said. But noOOooo
Me: Ok, these are the specs. Do you think you can do it?
Architect: These look like renovation plans for a Barbie Dream House.
Me: And?
Me: Not today, Satan.
Her: Mom, stop calling me that.
Grandma just made me go across the street to pay the neighbor kid because she forgot to pay him to shovel her driveway….35 YEARS AGO. The man is now in his mid to late 40s.
Each second of this is more amazing than the last
[soldier dying in my arms]
“You take this & you give it to my wife.”
“No [pushes watch back to soldier] she lives really far away from me.”
I was bitten by a radioactive spider too and all I got was stomped on
Kids. Because who else is willing to stampede through the house sounding like an overweight elephant while also only weighing 30 pounds?
Sorry waiter for pushing you over when you asked me to tip you
Just in case to be clear #gbbo
Sometimes I get annoyed at how unreasonable my 7 year old is but then I remember that at his age my plan was to make a million dollars off “my invention” which was a bunch of fishtanks arranged in a group and connected by tubes so the fish could move around like gerbils.
Today marks 3 years since I sold my red fridge on Gumtree, under the listing ‘RED FRIDGE’.
When the buyer arrived, he asked for £50 off because he “didn’t know it’d be red”.
Here’s the picture I used for the ad.
Who’s drunk
*raises leg
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
Anyone know any Sausage Biscuits looking for a job?
Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.
Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?
3 reasons I’m not a hiker:
1. I don’t like sweating.
2. I don’t like getting lost.
3. I don’t like stumbling across human remains in shallow graves.
You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.
Don’t forget to take a screen shot of the weather forecast today and post it on Instagram.
me: one Big Mac with no cherries
cashier: cherries?
me: no thanks
A young Bruce Wayne falls into a cave full of pugs. He later becomes Pugman and keeps the streets of Gotham clean and downright adorable.