“My door is always open.”
— World’s worst submarine commander
You Might Also Like
Fact: Bernie Sanders won’t release his birth certificate because it proves that when he was born he was already a 74-year-old man
Daylight Saving Time switches on November 6. That’s right, this presidential campaign is an hour longer than you thought.
grocery shopping hungry is way more interesting than full, hungry me is down to eat anything and everything
How come I only know the shortcuts for copy & paste and internet history, yet the cat can walk across the keyboard and open a bank account?
I love the new Weight Watchers program. You can eat anything you want as long as you never join
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you think that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out of the cover the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
Walmart’s hair salon doesn’t charge extra to cut a live bat out of your hair.
Housing rates are so insane that it’s even hard to find an affordable place on Elm Street these days
Her: The world is gonna end in 30 minutes!!! 30 MINUTES!
Me *ordering a pizza* yeah this will be tight, for sure
*new parents*
Him: I’ve been sleeping with someone else.
Her: YOU’VE BEEN SLEEPING!!
ROBIN: How come you wear dark colors but make me wear a bright yellow cape?
BATMAN: [under his breath] It’s called a bullet magnet.
ROBIN: What?
BATMAN: What?
TOUCH NOT MY PONDERING CRYSTAL
I’ve been sleeping w my laundry for like 4 days
We are dating
GENIE: you have three wishes.
ME: sweet, I wish for pie.
GENIE: okay, whatever, you have 3.14 wishes.
Me: Omg all the kids are asleep! I can finally sit and relax!
Dog: Yeah. About that. *pukes all over living room*
Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.
Happy Birthday to me. 27 years old… in Spice Girl years.
The Sumerians may have invented writing, but the T-Rex invented shorthand.
“Hello?”
Dad come get me from practice
“Sorry I’m going into a tunnel” *sound of mom giggling*
But I called the *connection drops* …landline
GIRLFRIEND: So tell me something I don’t already know about you.
ME: During October I call my Dyson ‘Count Vacula’
HER: I need to see other people.
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Not a single soul on this Earth:
Not even their mom:
iNfLuEnCeR: “A lot of you have asked about my skin care routine…”
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
*signing divorce papers*
Client, “Thank God that’s over.”
Me, “Yes, divorce is stressful.”
Client, “No. The process was fine. I’m just glad the marriage is over.”
Me, “I’m glad you aren’t crying. Here’s your bill.”
Client *bursts into tears*
Would love to do a Trump family sitcom, but would have to make up a character to be “the smart one”
I will never fall in love with any twitter girl here as I am scared that one of these unknown accounts may be a sting run by my wife.
[a movie on dvd]
ugh, i’ve seen that a million times[the same movie on tv with commercials]
OOH, IT’S JUST STARTING
Don’t buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
There’s no low-key way to explain how you’re donating a third lung to the local medical school
I’ve always wondered if my toddler liked me or my husband better.
But I just heard her say, “Oh shit, Daddy’s home” so at least I know she’s on my side.
MOM: Any plans tonight?
ME: Me and the guys heading out to find us some ladees *shoots finger guns
HER: So Pokemon Go with Gary?
M: Yessss