My doorbell is the theme from “The Exorcist”.
You Might Also Like
“You use your birthdate as your password?!?! Was ‘1234’ taken?” – me, as a spy.
I was watching a show for about 5 minutes and this chick was listing all these really fun things to do when I realized I was watching a religious show and she was listing sins
Things that keep me up at night #6874
The time my mother decided to be a wing woman (wing aunt?) for my cousin at my uncle’s funeral…
My son didn’t think it was funny when I told him go “go forth and multiply” before his math exam.
Tip for twitter newbies:
Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.
She was REALLY feeling it.
Ahh, the joy of being the obsessively punctual guy married to Mrs. Latetoherownfuneral.
Jokes on you DUI Checkpoint, we can no longer afford to drink AND drive.
Interviewer: We offer great benefits.
Me: Can I take my two weeks vacation before I start?
KID: Dad?
DAD: Yes, son
KID: What is the true meaning of Easter?
DAD: Well my boy, when someone wants to go very, very East they g-
KID: Never mind
We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life
I just can’t watch football, there’s too much “penetration in the backfield” for me to not giggle like an immature maniac.
If you really wanna honor the spirit of 2017, instead of kissing someone at midnight, push them off a bridge
“I’m not sure if you got my earlier email…” = I’m even more furious than I was when I sent that one.
The eliptical I want costs $500, the cheeseburger I want cost $1, you see my dilemma?
*mom puts a gummy vitamin in my mouth while I yawn*
Mom, I’m 36. *chews it up, swallows* Adults are supposed to have 2 though.
Please do not compare your dog problems to parenting. Your dog cannot say your name 3,258 times in a day.
This empty can of Cheese Whiz will now be known as Cheese Was.
Things I’m leaving in 2021:
Telling my kids to brush their teeth. Have fun with cavities you dummies.
Hiding my snacks from kids. No you can’t have any. Get a job and buy your own.
Waiting until 5pm to drink wine. 9am rosé pairs well with another lockdown and virtual learning.
I normally don’t brag when I go to expensive places, but I just left the gas station..
One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.
Why do Mexicans eat tamales on Christmas?
Because they’re delicious, you racist asshole.
i love banana bread you just buy a bunch of bananas and then ignore them for a while and finally you’re like ok u will be bread now
Turns out when you’re asked who your favourite child is you’re expected to pick from your own.
When I was a kid I could fall asleep literally anywhere, wake up, and be good to go. Now if I sleep on a mattress that’s slightly too soft I can’t walk for three days
Today in my classroom
Me: I almost didn’t come in to work today
Student: oh, where do you work?
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Hello! I’m really high sorry about my driving. I’m ready to order now.
Idk if anyone else has experienced this but I don’t like when things negatively affect me
her: aww you’re a cat dad!!
me: yeah, part of me thinks cats ward off evil spirits or multidimensional beings
her: oh-
me: that’s probably why they kill so many birds
her: i… um…
me: and also they’re tiny lil angel babies
her: yay!!!
Therapist: do u communicate with your kids?
Me: my son stays in his room all day & never speaks
Therapist [looks at notes]: the 5 week old?