My downstairs neighbor thinks I’m a little creepy and that I overstep my bounds. At least that’s what she wrote in her diary.
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I’m in good enough shape to be turned into a vampire now.
My future’s so bright that I have to wear lampshades like an injured dog.
Shout out to police that ask to see your driver’s license. You gotta hand it to them.
My niece told me there was a cute guy checking me out at the coffee shop. So naturally I kept my head down when I passed him and banged my elbow on the way out
Guy cuts me off in traffic.
I give him the finger.
He gives me the finger.
I give him my number.
We’re married now.
Pspspspsps works on people too, not just cats
Spray deodorants love to be like LEAVES NO TRACE!!! INVISIBLE!!!! NO MARKS and then the small print is like “only if the rest of your body also happens to be made of white powder
I turned on my computer and it went “Word” and I was like “Yo”.
Your car took up two spaces, so I tried to move it over with my key.
You know those lines you see painted on parking lots? I know this will come as a shock to some of you, but you’re supposed to park between them.
Lawyer: the evidence points to him as our prime suspect
Me [lips on the mic]: tell the evidence it’s not polite to point
I hope this year they have the courage to legalize diarrhea.
Me:Thank you, he’s so hot I don’t even know what I want to do first…Grandma: (interrupting) Okay, can someone else say the prayer please?
My dog learned how to text
do you like my signals
I mixed them myself
My life is like that Rihanna song :work, work and work, and then I don’t understand anything else.
[Job Interview]
HR : What do you consider your biggest weakness?
Me : (pulls out machete) *whispers under my breath “I can’t forgive people”
Girls be like “I love you” and then instead of ghosting you and going fishing with the guys, they spend the rest of their lives with you. Be careful out there
my grandparents were such a vibe in the 40s
I just declined a mandatory work meeting invite. I am drunk with power.
Nothing matters anymore so let’s bring back choreographed handshakes from 90s sitcoms
{God Creating Humans}
Shave that monkey and make it complain about everything.
earth: *typing symptoms into webmd*
webmd: *breathes in sharply* why don’t you go ahead and have a seat
On Valentine’s evening I usually stay in and watch a romantic movie. You know, like American Psycho.
There seems to be a direct correlation between how many rosaries you have hanging on your rearview and how shitty a driver you are.
I’m at that age where all of my sentences start like this one.
*doctor administers experimental anti bad joke serum*
how do you feel?
“with my hands”
let’s give it a minute
From Facebook just now…
Can we stop making up bullshit words like ‘peopling’ and ‘taxes’?
Generally when you hear the phrase “hold my beer and watch this”
Just dial 911