Free cake in the break room and these people turn into cheetahs on a gazelle.
I think Pam from Accounting died.
She wasn’t strong enough.
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Overheard at the pool:
Grandma: what do you want the baby to be? a brother or sister?
*long pause*
3 year old: a cat
Everyone hates their job until someone brings cupcakes in.
I know there’s a lot going on right now in America but my husband just used one of the good towels!
If you see a dog by itself, check it’s collar, it might be lost
If you see two dogs by themselves, leave them alone, they’re on a date.
My package got from New York to Chicago in the same business day. Over the next four days it has traveled less than 20 miles, although it moves every day. I think it is walking here.
Marriage. Because your shitty day doesn’t have to end at work.
It’s offensive when people unfollow me just because I unfollowed them. My tweets are still good, yours are not.
paramedic arriving on the scene: oh my god his face is totally disfigured
me: [only hurt my leg] what
today i’m firing on all cylinders if the number of cylinders I have is zero cylinders in total
British seasons:
Spring: Two months
Summer: Eight minutes
Autumn: Three weeks
Winter: Seven years
Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.
literally anyone: “would you like some ice cream?”
me: [knowing ice cream makes me serverely ill] “ooo yes please”
My kid went from saying “please” to “do it” and I really enjoyed my time with her but I think we’re over now.
i’ve been ghosted enough to add paranormal investigator to my resume.
[answers doorbell]
me: omg
mark zuckerberg: [swinging nunchucks in a mildly threatening way] what u got against notifications, bruh
I ordered a pair of shoes delivered to my house. I’m too excited to wait at home so I’m camping out at the end of my street. Send snacks?
I think tonight while my wife is asleep I’m going to pull on the satin ribbon she’s worn around her neck ever since the day I met her. What’s the worst that could happen. One lil tug
I’m currently boycotting any company that sells items I can’t afford.
“Everyday I’m mumblin'”-Bane
ME: you have to go to college
SON: but why though?
ME: to be able get nice things *shows him my watch* you see this?
SON: yeah
ME: I stole this from my roommate freshman year
[first date]
HER: ask me anything..
ME: are you paying for dinner?
Wear green for St Patty’s Day! You don’t wanna get punched!
-You mean pinched
[flashback to the 6 people I punched earlier]
It’s pinched?
[1st date]
HER: I’m such a nerd! I love when a guy talks sciency
HIM: Oh haha [to waiter] A salad with umm *sweating* kilo-island dressing
me linking you to my twitter
Being married to me:
Pros: you’re married
Cons: to me
I’d hang this in my house.
Because I fall sleep listening to the meditation video, I’ve never actually heard the end of it. They could play Beethoven’s Fifth on kazoos at the end for all I know.
Psychologist: what is the issue
Her: He is one of the most pretentious people I have ever met.
Me: *laughing so hard my monocle falls out*