My Dr. told me about a new med he wanted me to try and offered that there are some sexual side effects to which I replied “yeah I don’t do that!” instead of nodding quietly like a normal human.
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My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁
Bake a cake with rum and no one bats an eye… Bake brownies with laxatives and everybody loses their shit!
I will walk one state over to avoid parallel parking.
Salesgirl: [handing me makeup samples] here are the freebies we promised you!
Me: [wearing my brand-new beekeeper’s suit] …oh
me: I always get shy around beautiful women
friend: just tell her
cashier: hi
me: *quiet mumbling*
cashier: what?
me: ᴵ ˢᵃⁱᵈ ᵗʰᵉʳᵉ’ˢ ᵃ ᵈᵉᵃᵈ ᵇᵒᵈʸ ⁱⁿ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵈᵘᵐᵖˢᵗᵉʳ
NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon
Me: good, return them to their natural habitat
if ur dad didn’t want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water
My Merriam-Webster app just caught me looking up a definition on Google 😬
I was voted ‘Worlds Worst Bartender’ for my very unpopular tuna daiquiris.
Baby sharks can hunt for food as soon as they are born and my children cannot find their underwear drawer.
Shout out to the kidney bean, the trachea celery, the gall bladder peanut and other foods named after internal organs.
I wouldn’t describe myself as an “adult”, per se. More like a “long child”.
Giving birth?
Passing a gallstone?
Monica Seles tennis match?Possible scenarios from sounds emitted from chic on elliptical next to me
My therapist keeps telling me to stop comparing myself to other people—that life’s not a competition.
Which, to be fair, is exactly what I’d say to someone I was trying to beat, too.
Netflix documentaries convinced me I should be vegan. So I did what any American would do. I bought some bacon and canceled Netflix.
Years ago, scientists knew barely anything about space! It was probably because those scientists were babies
That thing where I write “I” when it should be “me” because I’m not sure but I think “I” is always the smarter sounding option but it’s just flat out wrong in this situation and now I’ve exposed my stupidity to smarter people than I.
Me: *plays video games to avoid my problems*
Me in game: *puts off main quest to avoid my characters problems*
Got a piece of mail today addressed to “Epic” instead of “Eric” and finally somebody truly gets me.
I’ve planned our wedding to fall on the day of the Oasis concert, knowing that some family members, that we don’t want at the wedding, have got tickets. So, they’ll be invited, but they’ll have to decline and they’ll be frowned on, as they’re missing a wedding for Oasis
Husband: Come on baby, do that thing that I love.
Me: *stuffs an entire jelly doughnut into my mouth*
If a chimp tries to sign up for your karate class, DO NOT LET HIM! He already has the strength & the anger. Don’t give him the skills.
Running with scissors is stupid. Throw the the scissors ahead of you and run to where they landed. Repeat until you arrive safely at your destination.
*whistling*
Husband: There’s blood in the entry way. What happened?
Me: I’m decorating for Halloween.
Husband: But It’s real blood.
Me: *continues whistling*
Part of me wants to actually see Oppenheimer. But the other, more correct part wants to piece together the film through memes
before puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the shower’
after puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the oven’
I honestly don’t have time for subtweets.
Especially from you-know-who.
Ironically, it’s my humility that makes me so much better than everyone else.
They say there’s no such thing as a stupid question but then they’ll go and wake you up to ask if you’re asleep.
My doctor said I look pretty & I am taking that as her professional medical opinion no take backsies