My dream car is a taco truck.
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new workout goal is to have a body where after I commit a crime, the media posts my shirtless pics and everyone’s like WOW
“And if all your friends were jumping off a bridge, would you make up a story about jumping off a bridge too?”– Teen Brian Williams’ mother
“can you send us a writing sample?” no but i can send you multiple screenshots of me killing it in the group chat
(First date with a Chinese girl)
Her: So, are you a dog or a cat person?
Me: I’m just gonna have a tandoori chicken…
2020: Soooo, you’re feeling pretty good today, huh? Enjoying some down time?
Me: Yeeeaaahhh….why?
2020: How’s your back?
Me: Damn it!
2020: *teehee*
cop: the perp was found with red paint on his fingers, so i guess you could say he was caught.. *looks at camera* why is there a camera here
It took 3 employees to help me complete “self-checkout” today.
I have a five year plan to become more spontaneous.
People are writing condolences on my Grandma’s Facebook that sound more like Yelp reviews of her. Great woman, very loving, 5/5 stars
I like extremes. I want a nerd, but he’s gotta be an extreme nerd. Like I don’t even want to understand what he’s talking about.
I played the word “mature” in a game of Scrabble. My friend played “immature” and got the Triple Word Score so I flipped the board over.
niece: Diamond earrings!?
[flashback to me, drunk, wrapping presents]
me: Oh shit
GENIE: u get 3 wishes!
ME: for my first wish, I want a never-ending bowl of guac
GENIE: guac, huh? Yeah, that’s gonna cost you an extra wish
What’s the biggest gaffe you’ve ever made? Mine was congratulating a coworker on a non-existant pregnancy. Turns out he’d just gotten really fat.
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
Karate Kid (1984) A Japanese man teaches a desperate young boy about bullying by forcing him to fix his house.
Building contractors don’t want your help, Annie, even when you offer them your Altoids tin full of brads.
An opossum is just a regular possum that reenacts the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally.
If I had a time machine I would simply go back to the late 90s & tell teenage me that Ticketmaster is never going to get any better & to temper my expectations.
airports should have little side-quests available for ppl stuck in a layover
WIFE: Do you have a hot glue gun?
ME: No but I have a sexy stapler
If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.
Ground Control: the papers want to know whose shirts you wear!
Major Tom: tell my wife I love her very—
Ground Control: WHAT SHIRTS TOM
I was rudely awakened by my wife’s snoring and she had the nerve to get mad because I started howling at the moon.
“Why are these little movies interrupting my movie?”
My kid, experiencing broadcast television and its commercials for the first time.
My wife had a dream that I have a secret second wife named Linda. Now when she’s mad at me I just say “Linda wouldn’t get mad about that.”
*I accidentally fall onto my computer and it logs me into Facebook* crap
*I try to get up but fall again and it causes me to type in my ex’s name* dangit
*I fall yet again and comment “your baby looks cross-eyed” on his album* oh shoot
I fed the neighborhood cat cheaper cat treats and now she’s meowing Sarah McLachlan songs in my back yard.
Why do people talking about legal matters use the term “in a court of law?” In the context of your very legal story, Karen, what the hell kind of court did you think I was imagining?
Everyone writes, “why I’m leaving New York,” but no one writes, “how it’s going in New Jersey” 🧐