My dream car is a taco truck.
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We got two inches of snow last night and now I can’t find my Smart Car.
Who gets custody of us when Twitter dies?
My son just demanded to be changed into different pajamas for breakfast.
Thanks, royal baby.
“Ooh go on then, I’ll just have one!”
*eats many, many, many, many biscuits*
I’m embarrassed to live in a world that’s allowed 9 fast and furious movies
ME: can i open a joint account
BANKER: ok with who
ME: anyone rich
My 7yo said if she ever gets married she wants to have a pajama-themed wedding, and I feel like my parenting has come to fruition.
I once pushed a shopping cart 10 miles the other direction to avoid talking to someone I knew at the grocery store.
My body is 61% water and 53% math skills.
Butterfly courtship ritual:
Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere
BARTENDER: how do you take it?
ME: personally
It’s almost midnight and my 44 years old ass is still up trying to figure out what I’m going to wear for the costume party that social-me proposed at work and now no-social- tired-broke me wants to punch me right on the nununana for having that dumb idea.
People who text me, “OMG GUESS WHAT?,” vastly overestimate my level of interest in anything they have to say.
Mimes are known to commit
unspeakable acts.
People always talk about having backup Singers and I’m like, why would I need two sewing machines?
Over the last few months I’ve collected enough wine corks to raise the Titanic
I brought a load of laundry into the living room to fold, and my husband said, “You do this every day. I’m onto you. You just want to take a break.” So, anyway, in lieu of flowers please make a donation to the charity of your choice.
When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.
Hubs: You’re home all day, why isn’t the house clean?
Me: You’re at work all day, why aren’t we rich?
Hubs: Touché
I’m having problems with favstar. Can all of you trophy me to see if it’s working right now? Thanks.
I’ve lived my life according to one basic principle
Interviewer: What skills do you have?
Me: Mind control
Interviewer: EXCELLENT YOUVE GOT THE JOB
[first day as a doctor]
Me: We’re going to need to amputate your legPatient: It’s only a sore throat!
Me: I just really want to try out my new saw
The real reason evolution started..😂
One of my buddies lost his right arm in a car accident which is a huge bummer, so much money wasted on tattoos
The feminine urge to sneeze with wet mascara.
Turned the other cheek and found the tv remote.
I hate hotel duvets. They are so thick, i can’t close my suitcase.
A mother bear defending her cubs but it’s me defending the fresh pan of bacon from other hotel guests at the breakfast buffet.