My dream car is a taco truck.
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The best part of the Titanic is when Rose is holding onto Jack and she’s all like, ‘I’ll never let go’ and then she lets go.
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in physics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: it’s ok the plane will weigh the same
Strangers get so paranoid when they catch you stirring a mysterious powder into their drink.
I don’t normally like to brag about expensive trips but I just got back from the grocery store, getting gas, and signing my kids up for summer camp.
“Matter cannot be created nor destroyed…”
Then explain to me why my kids can manage to turn a bathtub full of water into four bathtubs of water outside of said tub?
It’s like 10,000 goons
When all you need
Is a knight
me: [sets to bed time reminders on my Fitbit to be responsible]
Later that night
Fitbit: time for bed
me: DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO
If my boyfriend really cared about me, he’d stop being imaginary…
god bless the 1st weatherman to dress as danny zuko & plead with sandy
Every single cat would kill you if it was big enough. Think about THAT when you are deciding between name brand cat food and the generic.
My daughter forgot her gym uniform at home. When I arrived at her school to drop it off, I realized I also forgot the uniform.
I see where she gets it from.
Boss: Are you drinking at your desk?
Me: Yes, because it’s too hot outside.
Oh my. I haven’t laughed this hard in a while. Good ol’ Winnipeg. 🤣
If your Dad leaves, just act like you’re installing a new screen door. All the Dads of the neighborhood will gather round. Pick your new Dad
The Pillsbury Doughboy and Little Debbie walk into a bar.
Bartender: I see bread people.
Hostess: enjoy these complimentary after dinner mints
Mints: you have beautiful eyes
Me: [blushing] wow they’re very complimentary
people will criticize your dreams. “you can’t marry the moon.” “being sad is not a real job.” “stop summoning the devil.” ignore them. be real. be yourself. start a cult.
I left this letter from ‘Management’ on the doors of an apartment complex
My co-worker said he’s bleeding out of his ear. “That time of the month?” I replied.
He’s not amused.
Don’t tell me about your problems. I have to explain to my son why all of his baby teeth are in my nightstand.
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
Landlord just came in the office and inserted £100 in my cleavage. I would question my professional integrity but £100! Wooo hooo.
Spice up grocery lists for your partner:
Im so thirsty- juice
Make my mop wet- shampoo
I only moo for you- you get the idea
I call my toilet “Jim”…
It sounds much better when I announce “I’m going to the Jim” every morning.
*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day you told me you’re gay….
In lieu of exercise, accidentally send your text to the wrong person to get your heart rate up
Not saying dogs are better than kids in every aspect; but good luck finding a kid willing to lick up his own vomit.
If you put Mattel dolls in a line they become a Barbie queue.