My dream car is a taco truck.
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By age 35 you should:
-live in a cave on a mountain
-hate everyone
-try to destroy christmas at least once
-develop the capacity for empathy and compassion but only after your scheme fails
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: i take things literally
professor x: that’s not a superpower
me:
professor x: where’s my pen
Guest in disgust:
This tastes like feet!Host: Dammit Eloise! What have I told you about substituting ingredients in recipes?
– cannibal dinner party
Dumple
Professor: There’s no such thing as stupid questions
Me: *clears throat
Me: the refrigerator wasn’t built for this
Her: all the food?
Me: no this penguin
The same plot as the Matrix, only the Matrix runs Windows.
The system crashes on its own.
The human race is saved by shitty programming.
People always say “unceremoniously fired” like it ever happens any other way. I’d like to see a big ceremony for firing somebody. Get the gang together. Order a cake. Wear some special robes.
imagine being a rooster and just completely losing your shit over the sun rising.
No, Karen ….
Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
is NOT a Jewish law firm.
me: omg you’re dying
my phone: wtf the charger is just across the room
me: [crying] I wish I could help
A man at a cemetery for Titanic victims claims to have taken a photo of a ghost. The ghost reportedly said “there was room for two people.”
Friend: What a cute baby! Boy or girl?
Me: Guess
Friend: What’s its name?
Me: Spork
Vegans will look you dead in the eye and tell you cauliflower taste like ribs…
Good cop: be a pal and tell us who did crime
Dad cop: you’re gonna want to be at the airport ten hours before your flight
It’s easier for me to bite than my dogs, my neighbors finally get it
you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed
Denmark has a new king and queen we should attack at dawn
Was just walking along when I got news that caused me to clasp my hands over my face in gentle despair, at which point a passing teen with impeccable timing shouted ‘Peekaboo!’ at me.
Every Red Hot Chili Peppers song has a part where it sounds like they’re trying to guess words for a crossword puzzle.
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Dracula: Every day
Dentist: Your gums are covered in blood.
Dracula: Oh…I mean never. I never floss.
Stop having all the sex, what if we run out
fortune cookie- You will not die alone but with many many cat…
cat: LOL THAT’S SO YOU!
If I was a ghost, pottery wouldn’t be the first thing I do.
me writing at 3am: holy shit….. this is so good when did i become this talented
me reading what i wrote the next day: he roled he’s eye
Until zoom life I had no idea how many people dig in their ear.
“Mmmmm hmmmm! I herd that!”
– a sassy shepherd
God’s son died single, but he’ll help you find your match on Christian Mingle.
An old natural remedy to soothe a broken heart is rubbing a jellyfish on it.