My dream catcher has asked for hazard pay.
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13yo finally got a ps5, so I only expect to see him at mealtimes or holidays until his 14th birthday
idea: business cards that just say NO
Sir can I have 5 mins of ur [card]
Girl can I get ur number [card]
BRO DID U STEAL MY NO CARDS [card]
Widow: I remember how he always drank eight glasses of water a day
Guy at crematorium across town: WHY ISN’T THIS GUY BURNING
Most embarrassing thing a human being can experience is publicly unrequited love. Second is having the noisy grocery cart.
PRIEST: *cry laughing
ME: I told you I was funny when I was drunk
MY FIANCÉ: Yeah…hi
Jewish friend asked me a very funny legal question: “Can you break your Ramadan fast during the eclipse since technically it gets dark?” I had to hand it to him, I didn’t think of that 😂😎🌞🌆
“holy crap….um guys?!” – the first caterpillar to wake up out of a cocoon
[leaving parents’ house]
HER: I thought you said your dad had one leg.
ME: Ya he also has another one.
[dollar store]
Me: I would like 700 dollars, please
I just found out it only costs about $100 to change your name!!!
Say hello to Ninja Firequeef!
Today I gave my son some chips from England. He put one in his mouth, made a face, and asked what flavour it was. ‘Roast Beef’ I replied. He promptly spat it out and asked “why would they do that?” Buddy, we’ve been asking Britain that question for 500 years.
9yo: (mouths off to me)
Me:
Hubs: You’re not doing anything? At least take his iPad away.
Me: Patience
(1 hour later)
9yo: Mom! My iPad’s dead, where’s the charger?
Me: What charger?
Hubs: Nice one.
Wish all of my viruses were this polite
Fun Fact: Bananarama had the highest potassium levels of any 80’s pop group.
If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.
Sometimes I think I’m pretty well-read and other times I see the word “doing” and pronounce it like it rhymes with “boing.”
Hey! This isn’t my car!
Wife *rubbing her belly* we’ve got a date for our ultrasound
Me: omg
Wife: are we gonna find out what it is?
Me *googling what is ultrasound* way ahead of you
*crawls seductively across bed*
*elbow gives out*
googling “effect vs affect” in an incognito window
At 9 y/o I was obsessed with extraterrestrials & desperately wanted to be abducted. I’ve changed a lot since then, for instance, now I’m 42.
I was working in the yard.
Out of the corner of my eye I saw a snake.
I hit it with a shovel.
I’m happy to report the garden hose is dead
Stop comparing yourself to high achieving go-getters, it isn’t good for your self esteem or your mental health and only helps you stand in your own way
Instead, find a complete loser to compare yourself to and then cross your fingers they don’t win the lottery
[mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”politician: i don’t get it
vegan guy : im so hungry
horse : [calmly] how hungry
Nothing worse than when I turn up to Park Run to find it is indeed going ahead
Sorry I asked, “Is it friendly?” & tried to pet your baby.
It’s raining men because the aliens are returning the abductees in the most compelling way possible.
No man left behind.
No stone left unturned.
No donut left uneaten.