My dream catcher has asked for hazard pay.
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The fact that the Mayans invented chocolate just goes to show what a civilization can achieve if they are willing to do human sacrifice
My wife took a bunch of my clothes to make a scarecrow today and seeing it come together I realized I dress like a scarecrow.
My wife caught me looking at a seagull at the beach so now we’re in this big fight.
The tooth fairy left an ominous note about coming back for the rest of my teeth.
I ripped my duvet and now there are feathers everywhere. This is the adult equivalent of glitter
If alcohol damages your short memory. Just imagine what alcohol can do.
Watching Thor: Ragnorok and never get tired of hearing Bruce Banner brag about his 7 PhDs like it’s a sign of brilliance and not just poor career planning, dude. Like, maybe do the one PhD and then some postdocs, guy.
Little kid *stubbing toe*: Gosh dang it!
[heaven]
Gosh: Why is it only kids get my name right?
Jeez Louise: Tell me about it.
Delighted to have won the freight contract to help Ukrai… never mind.
1% battery…..
Because I like to live on the
Yeah I do yoga.
Ninja Yoga.
I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.
Just ate at a Japanese restaurant and the entire staff was Hispanic. I don’t know what is real anymore!
9/10 students agree that someone got lost on the field trip
“You made your bed now lay in it” doesn’t really sound like a punishment to me. I love laying in a freshly made bed.
And other 5am thoughts
Whoa, whoa whoa…
I only lick people on the street when I need them to get out of my way.
My neighbor hates when I go over to borrow a cup of money.
Palaeontology teaches us dinosaurs were flat and lived underground
Dunkin Donuts gives you zero or fifty nine napkins, there is no in between.
You big beautiful cup of coffee.
Come here and tell me lies of how much I will tolerate my coworkers and how much I’ll get accomplished today.
I am interested in:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 making peace with the terror of being alive
She was like “I’ll see you in hell” and I was like “omg I have a date”
[dinner]
DAD: let’s roast this bird
ME: (to bird) the only time you ever got laid was the day you were born
DAD: haha nice
in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”
Presidential election season; that special time every four years when we find out who we just really shouldn’t be friends with anymore.
And a special thanks to Autocorrect for changing “Busy juggling”
to “Busy jiggling”
You don’t have to seduce me with restraining orders and joyrides on the hood of your car, you had me at. “No, I was waving at my friend.”
My husband spent the night away for a sleep study last night.
Husband, “I slept horribly, I just can’t sleep without you next to me. How about you?”
Me, thinking of how I had the most amazing night of sleep in my life, “Same.”
if i ever get an STI, my husband and my boyfriend are gonna have a lot of explaining to do
*notices my tinder match has “catholic” in their bio*
me: so how long have u been addicted to cats