my dream DUI is driving a Saab through the Great British Bake Off tent
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My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse
PayPal: For when your wallet is all the way on the other side of the room.
What do you call a moose with no name?
Anonymoose
Hubs: Is that the same oreo as before?
3yo: No.
Hubs: Is that a new one?
3yo: Yes.
Hubs: Are you hiding them around the house?
3yo: …Yes.
The sock thief who lives in our dryer has developed a taste for masks.
tfw you’re yelling at the tv and the contestant finally comes up with the same answer as you’ve been yelling, and it’s wrong.
I just want to put my hair in a cute little messy bun and not look like a sumo wrestler.
I have the body of a 21 year old bodybuilder. Can I borrow a shovel?
Me: What do you think of my tweets?
Wife: They’re all pretty terrible.
Me: Don’t you have ANYTHING positive to say?
Wife: You’re consistent.
*watching the discovery channel* this isn’t very disco
nobody
literally nobody
my mom to our uber driver: so tell me all about yourself
When my son was in grade school the teacher asked the class what they should do if they think there is a fire and he shouted GO TURN THE STOVE OFF DINNER IS READY
Brains are awesome… I wish everyone had one.
It’s frankly disgusting that it’s illegal to be an accessory/accomplice. It should never be a crime to be supportive of a friend
“why do you take so long in the shower?”
me:
Handing the bus driver a $50 bill and telling him “Just drive”.
My mom remembers exactly what she was doing when Elvis died but can’t remember my name half the time, my birthday, or who my dad is.
OBI WAN KENOBI: These are not the droids you’re looking for
GUARD: [licks lips] I’m not looking for droids handsome
Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.
No, no, no, you don’t have to engage in a long explanation of why you’re single. We’ve spent five minutes together, I think I’ve got it.
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
Social media is proof that even mental hospitals have WiFi.
Was shocked last week when my son said he’s getting married to a girl in his class.
Yesterday he won a running race agaisnt her and the wedding is probably off now
Being 6 is rough man!
Them: Hey girl what’s your sign
Me: McDonalds Open 24 hours
Me: One more peep out of you kids and I’ll turn this car around
Son: *slowly excretes a marshmallow chick*
Me: THAT’S IT
It’s not a coincidence that we use the term “committed” to refer to both relationships and a stay at a mental institution
*calls out under the bed
Me: Are you still there?
Monster: Nope. Go to sleep.
Straight people are cancelled
[final debate]
TRUMP: I’d like to apologize to hillary
MODERATOR: umm ok
HILLARY: umm ok
TRUMP: I brought a gift *hands her a galaxy note 7*