my dream DUI is driving a Saab through the Great British Bake Off tent
You Might Also Like
[after divorce]
I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.
Just finished up some dusting. And by dusting I mean I blew on a shelf and then sneezed 6 times in a row.
I pick up every feather that I see on the floor.
Interviewer: that’s a weird strength.
Look Mr. Wendy’s, I ordered a chicken club and you gave me a stupid sandwich. I have a car full of chickens on ecstasy here. Help me out.
I’m becoming psychic. Looking at a dusty exercise machine and I see a yard sale in its near future.
*Gets haircut*
“Omg I love it”*Ten minutes later*
“Dear God what have I done?”
Me: I can’t wait to say goodbye to 2021!
2022: *Somehow already on fire*
[ First day as a British comedy account ]
I sure do love those chocolate chip *checks writing on hand* biscuits? That can’t be right.
My cousin stuffed her turkey and put it in her oven, which is not turned on, with the intention to store it there overnight rather than the fridge. “There’s no room.”
This is why you can’t eat just anybody’s food.
This time tomorrow that whole household will be at the ER.
Which wines pair best with gloating?
I’m out here scooping up street salt and repurposing it to margaritas as God intended.
Mud season creeps up on us every year, destroying hearts and minds as well as light grey carpeting.
U know your mind is gone when u get out of bath and realize u only shaved one leg
Unless u only have one leg… Then you’re good
just woke up from a terrible nightmare. was dreaming about a country called “britain” where people eat beans for breakfast and say stuff like “crumpet” and speak a barely intelligible version of english. thank god that’s not real
After many years of cat ownership you really understand cats… until you get a second cat.
Email I meant to send – “I will touch base with you next week” vs the email I sent – “I will touch you next week”
HR reminds us to proof read before sending
[inventing llamas]
Angel: didn’t you just make those yesterday?
God: that was an alpaca
Angel: what’s the difference?
God: I don’t know
Angel: …
God: nobody knows
jesus thought he was impressive converting water into wine, lemme see u convert Fahrenheit into Celsius without googling it if ur so holy
found a twenty in my purse then channeled jesus and turned it into wine at the nearest liquor store.
funny how dumbass pet animals will eat the same thing every day without realizing that Subway® offers over 19 different ways to Eat Fresh™
The egg whites carton in my fridge looked like the creamer carton and now I have omelette coffee.
“If decorative towels can be a thing then decorative grills can be a thing”
~Me buying a cool looking copper charcoal grill that I don’t really need.
Hope my neighbors like my new pet howler monkeys
Man reading a book: hot
Man with a baby: hot
Man reading a book to a baby: hold me back my ovaries have exploded.
Luke: If you’re such a great Jedi, why don’t you fight Vader yourself?
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda: Other shit to do, I have.
I don’t like to be too vulnerable on here but I just have to admit I do get upset when people who hate me send me money, the notifications of like “cry some more into this $10, loser” honestly just wreck me. It’s the most effective way to hurt me, can’t believe I’m admitting that
If you say “I don’t feel good” and a pregnant woman says “Me neither,” DO NOT respond with “Yeah, but you chose this for yourself…”
Don’t believe in aliens, huh? Explain how people in the 1800s got on top of those bicycles with the huge front wheels.
actually, i like watching MMA for the outfits