Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Doctor: Loss of smell is a symptom of covid

Me, a parent of a teen boy: Oh oh where can I get covid

TENNIS BOYFRIEND: You deserve love

TENNIS GIRLFRIEND: That’s so mean

When a ladybug is orange. Must be laundry day.

I don’t know if this is just an Italian thing but I have the complete inability to cook for less than 2,116 people at a time.

“We have a new product, it washes hair but it needs a name”

Shamcrap?!

“Awful”

Shampoop?!

“Get out!”

Shampoo?

“Genius!”

It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.

The only reason they’re called “jellyfish” is that ‘discarded grocery bags of death’ was considered “too wordy”.

cop: know why I pulled you over?

fortune teller: well let’s just see (flips over tarot card that shows a skeleton in a car doing 45 in a 35) ah frick

Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.

[at airport]

TSA: sir, you’ve been randomly chosen for a cavity search.

ME: that’s cool i didn’t know my flight included a dental cleaning

Should I buy a pizza? Heads I do, tales I ignore the coin.

Eve: *chewing* what was that thing we weren’t supposed to eat?

God: please tell me you didn’t eat the apple

Eve: *licking fingers* oh haha no

God: …where’s Adam?

Just saw someone call a non electric toothbrush an “acoustic toothbrush”

I finally got some me time away from the kids. Two whole hours. It would’ve been longer but my legs went numb crouching behind the dryer.

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back

I don’t want to imply I was anything special in college but I was the president of the Ramen Club for 5 years, probably would have been 6, except my parents gave me an ultimate that I needed “to stop putzing around and graduate already.”

The trail I take walks on has about 25 yards next to a road so I run during that part because obviously.

My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.

thanks for your constructive criticism! i hated it and will be telling my mom about this

Mom just reminded me of the time I got in trouble at church for purposefully and repeatedly pronouncing the “Ch” sound in Christ and pretending that I hadn’t heard the correct pronunciation before.

“Boo!” — cow with a cold

[Stranded after plane crash]
Me: We need to choose which one of us to eat first

Him: omg this is cray cray

Me: ok that was easy

38% of being a dad is sitting in a car looking at your watch and waiting for everybody else to come out

OH AND JUST FYI…. THE BAGS UNDER MY EYES ARE LOUIS VUITTON

orange in the 60s, mus in the 70s, poon in the 80s, wu in the 90s. – the history of tang

[on a plane]

Captain: I have bad news

Passengers: *gasp*

Captain: the middle class is dying

Passengers: oh, that’s true

Captain: first class might survive

Passengers: what

Captain: *tries to land the plane backwards*

If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.

The next time kids ding door ditch you you have to run and chase after them and yell WHAT IF IM A CRAZY PERSON!!

I am upset with my parents for making me exist. u just decided to make a person one day? who’s gonna pay my bills? me? I didn’t ask for this

if i could teach my cat to go downstairs and accept my doordash delivery i would never marry