@OBiiieeee

My dream girl is basically a pizza in a mini skirt.

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@Brianhopecomedy

Forgot my wallet at home & filled up at the gas station so I have to leave some collateral. Not leaving my phone there so 4 year old it is.

@ricsem

As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices – take it or leave it.

@Kendragarden

The waitress said they were out of pizza but then much later I saw a pizza come out to another table. (My super villain origin story)

@bobvulfov

me at 18: i have hundreds of friends i could ask to hang out with me tonight

me now: maybe the weird dude who spit on me on the train this morning would like to be the best man at my wedding

@TheRealHoff10

People keep asking me today “So you have a new boss?” No, I’m still with my wife.

@jake_likes_naps

DATING TIP: PULL THE CHAIR OUT FOR HER. PICK THE CHAIR UP & FOLD IT. HIT HER OVER THE HEAD WITH THE CHAIR. GET THE 3 COUNT. NEW WWE CHAMPION

@mattgallo123

My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.

@DaddyWithTwins

Coworker: I didn’t know you dip.

Me: *Puting a pinch of shredded cheese in my lip like chewing tabacco* Ugh, no. What a disgusting habit.

@MomOnFire

Whoever taught my five-year-old daughter how to “air quote,” I need to speak with you privately.