Forgot my wallet at home & filled up at the gas station so I have to leave some collateral. Not leaving my phone there so 4 year old it is.
My dream girl is basically a pizza in a mini skirt.
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As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices – take it or leave it.
The waitress said they were out of pizza but then much later I saw a pizza come out to another table. (My super villain origin story)
me at 18: i have hundreds of friends i could ask to hang out with me tonight
me now: maybe the weird dude who spit on me on the train this morning would like to be the best man at my wedding
Pizza is an emotion right?
People keep asking me today “So you have a new boss?” No, I’m still with my wife.
DATING TIP: PULL THE CHAIR OUT FOR HER. PICK THE CHAIR UP & FOLD IT. HIT HER OVER THE HEAD WITH THE CHAIR. GET THE 3 COUNT. NEW WWE CHAMPION
My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.
Coworker: I didn’t know you dip.
Me: *Puting a pinch of shredded cheese in my lip like chewing tabacco* Ugh, no. What a disgusting habit.
Whoever taught my five-year-old daughter how to “air quote,” I need to speak with you privately.