All I want for Valentine’s day is a good night out with my boyfriend
My husband says I’ve got to go out with him! Rude
You Might Also Like
They should make statues of regular people. Like you’re walking through the park and there’s a statue of your friend Jeff
Eyebrows tangled with the fury of a thousand Scottish grandfathers.
The bad news is my toddler dumped my husband’s large water bottle all over the couch and himself. The good news is now he’s had his bath
I bet Amelia Earhart is just wandering around in an IKEA somewhere.
Me: If the sun has a finite life can we really save the planet?
Wife: TAKE THE RECYCLING OUT!
Airport prices are crazy. 5 billion dollars? For an airport?
Me: “You didn’t tell me that.”
Them: “Yes I did, four times while you were staring at your phone.”
Me (looks up): “I’m sorry, what?”
Dear Olive Garden,
They grow on trees. Your name should be Olive Orchard. Seems like someone could have googled this.
[comes home from store]
Wife: [shaking her head] Let me guess… earmuffs were on sale?
Me: [wearing 17 pairs of earmuffs] WHAT?
My obsession with visiting different hardware stores has me hitting new Lowe’s.
<door bell>
Zombie wife: Is that Bob?
Zombie husband: *looks thru peep hole* Not sure, but he’s a dead ringer.
Cell mate: What you are in for?
Me: foraging
Cell mate: don’t you mean forgery?
Me (with my cheeks full of nuts): huh?
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
The pipes burst at my best friend’s house and I accidentally told someone his water broke
Without telling me where you live tell me your social security number and mother’s maiden name.
So you brush your teeth with hair on a stick and brush your hair with teeth on a stick. Humans, you’ve made it.
My kid is having lasagna for breakfast.
Omg I’m raising Garfield!!
Skeletons are a weird costume cuz you already got one of those in your body you’re pretty much a bone oreo with skin frosting dude
9yo: My least favorite letter is “c” because it’s not fair that it can be an “s” or “k” sound.
Me:
9yo:
Me: Can I go back to sleep now?
Can’t, I’m about to turn 50 and my lower back is almost 83.
Of course I want to connect with my high school boyfriend’s mom thank you LinkedIn.
Just tossed my hair seductively and a chicken nugget fell out.
Me: Shut the hell up!
Her: Maybe you wanna take this outside?
Me: *checks weather app* Can’t. There’s a high pollen alert right now.
judge: *banging gavel* guilty
me: *twirling my hair* of being too handsome?
judge: *giving me a little kiss on the cheek* of murder
Death is not the end.
You still have to dispose of the body and hide the evidence.
My clothes don’t fit anymore.
There’s only one possibly explanation.
America is shrinking my clothes.
Area rug? Forget about it. Give me a perimeter rug instead. Just one strand around the whole room.
I can’t believe it’s so cold I have to wear gloves inside. I mean I’m not even robbing anything or trying not to leave fingerprints
Low fat tortilla chips and lite salsa?
That’s not what was meant by the words “skinny dipping.”