Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Husband: Wow! The house looks amazing. We should invite ppl over more often so you keep it this clean.

I’m going to need help writing his obituary.

The Wizard of Oz: A teenage runaway gets caught in a storm, commits manslaughter, & crosses state lines to see a man more than 3x her age.

“How’d that happen, Bill?”
“I don’t know.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, I’m just stumped.”

Was it that frightening to gift newlyweds a ceramic cast of my fist?

Netflix: *30 seconds into an Adam Sandler comedy* Are you still watching?

i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 living in the year 2021

looking for:

⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out

Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed

[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating

[inventing jazz]
a
me: what if music w
s
l i
k e
t
h
i s

Got my flu shot and now everyone in Walgreens knows my safe word.

The next person to ring the doorbell on a Saturday trying to sell something will be subjected to my 6yo’s full lecture on lizards, and let me warn you, it’s long

I thought $3 eggs 🥚 were a lot
Until a saw a small bag of pistachios at the Airport going for $18

One of my students looked at me this morning and said I must have had a rough morning so if your feelings are easily hurt teaching might not be for you

I regret teaching my boyfriend about make up. I made a snarky comment to him and he goes “first of all, blend your contour before you come for me like that”

Used the words “manic pixie dream boy” in therapy years ago and my therapist had no idea what it referred to and to this day continuously uses a different string of words for it “dream elf pretty boy” “party boy dream something”

When a possum plays dead he’s “smart” and “instinctual” but when I do it, it’s all “what’s wrong with you” and “crime scene investigators are at the door.”

Writing Tip: Learn the letters. YES all of them. Regardless of what you write they’ll come in handy. Try experimenting w/ diff combinations.

This may be my favorite dog video ever.

I’M GONNA OWN THIS YEAR!!!

*buys goldfish
*calls it ‘This Year’.

What if Tony soprano was holding a cat like The Godfather but the cat is Garfield

Officer: Did u know your back light is out

Me: I don’t know if you noticed… I’m inside the car. You had a bit of an advantage

That’s “Mr. Human Scum” to you, buddy.

her: i love croissants

me: *trying to impress* i’m flaky too

[accepting a compliment]
you are wrong

I have been calling a guy on our street John since he and his wife moved here about five years ago.

His name is Dave.

Turns out inside one of the IKEA sofa boxes was actually a marriage counselor.

Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.

He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?

me: I was busted by the cops

friend: weird. I had a plastic surgeon do mine

What’s the most ridiculous demand a customer has made of you? I’ll go first: when I was working retail, a woman once demanded I pick her up from her Botox appointment with my car & bring her to the mall to shop

I hate Valentine’s Day but I do enjoy infant archery.