my dream is being pitted against the world’s greatest AI in a writing contest and crafting a story that’s so beautiful that I make the computer cry…
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Do you think it’s weird that the only reason we still have landlines is so cops in movies can wake each other up in the middle of night?
Welcome to parenthood. Your refrigerator is now a graveyard of your kids’ half-finished drinks.
*my wife opens my sock drawer & sees that it’s filled with bite sized candy bars. she looks over at me*
did you go trick or treating again last night?
Finally a use for spoilers…
This is so embarrassing, what’s your name again?
– me, the first 30 times I meet everyone
My 6yo proudly made her own breakfast this morning: “a pile of ham”
Low fat tortilla chips and lite salsa?
That’s not what was meant by the words “skinny dipping.”
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
If dolphins are so smart why do they still live in the water
His kids disappoint him
He’s pissed off at life
He screams at the news
He yells at his wife
He once punched a Girl Scout
Who looked at him wrong
He tripped an old woman
For singing a song
Just stay out of his way
Or risk a black eye
He’s
I googled my symptoms and it turns out that half of y’all are stupid 🤕
Roses are red, I have a phone. No one texts me, forever alone.
Nephew: Hey, Uncle Jesus, can you buy me and my friends some beer?
Jesus: No, but I can get you wine. Let’s go over to the water cooler, shall we.
you have three unread messages
If you want your friends to stop asking you to work out with them, go once. Show up in leather. Bring your workout cake.
me: [leaning over, whispering] there’s a giant hole in this plot
him: that’s where the casket goes
Lady Frankenstein: Your manservant Igor gives me the willies
Dr Frankenstein: Sorry, he’s supposed to put them in the fridge
Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to like asking your toddler what’s in his pocket
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
I saw God in a dream and all he did was brag about making Pedro Pascal
[on a date]
him: I hope you’re a Game of Thrones fan.
me: *stabs him with a sword then sleeps with his brother*
Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?
The best way to let someone know you hate them is to ask them to be in a wedding
“It all started when my mom met my dad…”
Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU
Mom u can stop cutting the crust off my bread now im in a gang
Friends don’t let friends buy cinnamon scented decorative brooms.
I drive with my hands at ten and two, but they’re crossed.
Husband: What kind of toothpaste should I get?
Me: Sensitive, strengthening, whitening, tartar control, plaque removing, deep clean, breath freshening, complete protection, with baking soda.
Husband: So get the blue stuff?
Me: Yes.