my dream is being pitted against the world’s greatest AI in a writing contest and crafting a story that’s so beautiful that I make the computer cry…
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My son’s soccer coach just said, “You can’t spell “triumph” without ‘try,'” and the look my son and I shared will bond us forever.
ZzzQuil should come with a warning label saying “May cause you to wake up naked at a 7 Eleven while everyone is staring at you.”
me: have you seen my shoes?
dad: I saw them on your feet once
me: I’m serious can you be more specific
dad: hi serious, I’m more specific
If I’m ever forced to go on silent retreat imma wear windbreakers and wet flipflops…If I have to suffer then so do you…Squeak squeak woosh woosh mf’ers
my dog: (feeling anxious) i will need to chew some shoes about this
Going to a hair-washing party tonight. Really don’t want to go but I couldn’t think of an excuse to get out of it.
“The other day” -me talking about something that happened 27 years ago
While America is suffering administrative paralysis, we should sneak in and change their spellings to the English ones, and replace the missing ‘u’ in their words.
my professor scared me for a second
Waiter: would you like a water?
Me: ew, gross.
Waiter: what if I add some frozen water to the glass?
Me: tempting.
Waiter: would a dirty lemon wedge seal the deal?
Me: [nods] indeed.
Me: Okay, time to get off our bed
Dog: It’s adorable that you think that.
due to personal reasons, i will be screaming into a pillow.
Be warned, person who set of a whole bunch of fireworks at 4 am–you’ve made a minimally powerful enemy.
I RELATE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP BECAUSE OF THE ROMANCE AND NOT BECAUSE I UNDERSTAND HOW DIFFICULT IT IS TO EAT SPAGHETTI WITH A DOG MOUTH
Burn microwave popcorn in the lunch room to establish dominance.
‘Sorry I liked your Facebook status, I was using my laptop as a plate’- my autobiography
Me: mic is short for microphone
My kid: so my uncle’s name is Microphone?!
The term ‘monkeying around’ makes sense to me, monkeys are silly animals. ‘Horsing around’ pisses me off though, it’s very, very disrespectful… Pretty much every horse I’ve met has a job
We are all just prisoners here of our phone device
Stop putting jumpsuits in with the dresses! I don’t want to take off all my clothes to pee!!!
[opens GPS voice command]
FIND DOGS TO PET
WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house
*our child walks in*
ME: Yeah, great job, Linda
just learned from my mom that my brother is contributing so heavily to chocolate milk sales at the local supermarket that they’ve requested to be notified when he leaves for college so that they don’t overstock
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: WHY ISN’T HE BURNING
Y’all think a holey cow makes swiss cheese?
8: [gives dog good morning kisses]
wife: the dog gets good morning but not me? I gave you life!
8: the dog’s cute
me: everybody run
Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.
BREAKING NEWS: Local prosthetics store hit by unarmed robbers.