my dream is to be involved in a heist and say “uh oh, we’ve got company” when the police arrive
You Might Also Like
I’ll have a whiskey.
“On The Rock?”
Yeah, the rocks—wait, what?
[You look up at a smiling Dwayne Johnson]
“This one’s free, buddy.”
doctor: i have bad news
me: uh oh
doctor: u have scoobyditis
me: *whispers* ruh roh
The head of my homeowners association told me I can’t burn any effigies over 15 feet tall in my yard, so I know exactly what my next 14′ 11″ effigy will be, hope you like it Todd
It would be easier on everyone if my kids’ teachers would cut out the middle man and email my homework assignments directly to me.
[getting murdered]
me: my computer has a virus, so u could say
[murdering pauses]
me: i’ve been hacked twice today lol
[murdering intensifies]
If I say “last Star Wars” and u say “Actually you mean 3rd Star Wars! It’s a prequel!” I’m going to hit u with a fish tank.
Found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe it’s been a whole year.
Before records were invented, people used to say: u sound like an opera singer that keeps repeating himself
I’m so hungry I could eat an apple
I told my bf if he keeps forgetting to say “bless you” when I sneeze I’m going to just go ahead and let that old lady, nagging demon in.
He said “so what would be the difference?”
If anyone asks, you haven’t seen him in two weeks either.
DATE: Tell me something most people dont know about you
ME: [leans across table and gets right next to her ear] I DONT KNOW HOW TO WHISPER
I almost got ran over by joggers. I saved myself by pretending to be a stop light. I got away while they jogged in place.
The Exorcist was probably the worst workout video ever.
My daughter said my stomach looks like sad oatmeal and now she’s signed up for summer school
Daughter saw old clothes I’ve saved for sentimental value & said ‘I bet you cried when the last dinosaur died too’. She’s out of the will.
Breaking News. Apple is to buy Ireland to solve the debt problem. It will be rebranded iLand
I saw some felted wool animals I liked, but if you think I’m paying $200 for felted wool animals, you’ve got felted wool rocks in your head.
Remember candidates for class president making promises for things they would have no power to implement? Just like real presidential candidates.
Dental office: Your husband had two teeth pulled this morning, so he’s going to need a ride home.
Me: Ok, how’s next week for you?
“Well can I at least pop home quick and get changed?”
-Me, getting my mugshot taken in my Chewbacca onesie
My daughter acts like she’s on the police hostage negotiation team anytime me or her mother goes to the bathroom & shuts the door.
If you’re walking around with a toothpick in your mouth you may think you look cool but we’re all just worrying about you tripping
Tired of the cults I join going bankrupt so now I ask to see the prophet and loss statement.
When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.
20/__ — Cyclops with perfect vision
The Sims fulfills the millennial fantasy of being able to afford a house in a walkable neighborhood on the salary of a professional carrot peeler.
I did 1 single thing on my to-do list today which means now I get to watch 11 hours of TV
Airlines need to freakin’ make up their mind abt the temp of the plane once n for all.
1st flight was so freakin’ cold, I could see my soda freeze as I was drinking it n now the 2nd one is throwing so much hot air like I wanna lie naked rn!!!
#travelling
#AmericanAirlines
life lately
ME: Can I buy you a drink?
HER: I have a boyfriend.
ME: {counting coins on the table} He can only get something small then.