My dream is to become the first smart person to be interviewed by a newscaster live at a scene.
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Werewolves of Paris.
ADIEUUUUUUUUUU!
Realtors are legally required to tell you if the house ghosts are too judgy
I hate it when you ask what you thought was a simple question in a meeting at work, and it turns into another meeting.
A rap battle but it’s just Keanu Reeves saying “Whoa” versus Owen Wilson saying “Wow.”
If you bump into someone at the grocery store and say goodbye, there’s a 99 percent chance you’ll see them in every single aisle after that.
what’s another way to say “codependent psycho”? I want this dating profile to be perfect
They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…
that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.
merriam-webster followed and then unfollowed me. not very definitive of them
I think the Ice Bucket Challenge is a giant waste of water *falls asleep in the shower for 2 hours*
I’m dying!! A bear cub went and ate my aunt’s pies today of ALL DAYS!!! 🤣🤣
I had no social life in high school. Even my imaginary best friend had a date for the prom.
ME: How was your first day?
MY CLONE: A lot of people dislike you
Me, dying from machete attack: Someone—
My kids: What?
Me: Call the geek squad—
K: No!
Me: I’ve been hacked!
K: *run off to thank my killer*
Kids insults are great. My youngest told my oldest “If your clothes were any tighter, you’d look like a wiener dog”
My dog eats too much food and throws it up. EVERYDAY. I swear to God if she keeps this up, she’s going to look amazing.
Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.
Scientist: The average person spends 6.9 hours a week on Twitter.
Me: You mean a day?
Scientist: What?
Me: What?
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
My kids have strategically placed items in an overflowing garbage can like they’re building a Jenga puzzle.
Have kids. It’s fun.
A parade of slow walkers meander behind my car as I’m trying to pull out of the parking space.
My friend just brought me a coffee and I started crying bc it was such a sweet and small but genuine act of kindness and she was like “I’m your waitress, you literally just ordered this” and that is just classic her I love her so much
Hell hath no fury like a woman being told she looks tired.
Sometimes, even I can’t tell if I’m being sarcastic or if I’m really just a bitch.
Times are tough. My hot soup delivered on a unicycle business is filing for bankruptcy.
My husband texted me from work to ask if our son’s cough was wet or dry and I was like whoa whoa whoa, there’s only room for one fake doctor in this family
#AmITheOnlyOneWhoEnjoys going to “grodge” sales ?
Conversation between my mom and my 12 year old brother. I am in tears.
That awkward moment when the
Priest uses YOUR confession as the
theme for his sermon.Again.
why’d they call it a fly swatter and not a splatula
girls have four moods: famine, pestilence, war, death