My dream is to become the first smart person to be interviewed by a newscaster live at a scene.
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Me: *being possessed* Ew, do you always feel like this?
Me: I’m so stressed
Heart: play some music you’ll feel better
Stomach: feed me cookies you’ll feel better
Brain: cut all your hair off
Me: wait what?
Brain: today.
Nightmares are so embarrassing bro, like u literally made up a guy and got scared of him.
Inmate: here’s the rule: find the biggest, baddest dude in the yard and…
Me: (sigh) don’t fall in love…
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except bears, bears will kill you.
I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.
[about to post]
Social Media Police: Is it reliable
Me: Yes
SMP: Source?
M: I heard it from a friend who heard it from a friend
SMP: Proceed
It has come to my attention that some of you are eating the bottom half of cupcakes. That is the peel, people. Know your fruit.
It’s six. Six raccoons. Six raccoons is the amount of raccoons that will make me turn around and walk down a different street. Six.
I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.
This morning I did ten sit ups. Doesn’t sound like much, but there are only so many times you can hit the snooze button.
A world without racism exists in traffic. The anger, cursing and honking is truly based on the ability to drive, not the content of the car.
I’ll burn that bridge when I get there.
[bedtime]
DAUGHTER: Dad, I’m afraid a bug will crawl into my mouth while I’m sleeping.
ME: Don’t be silly, the spiders that live in your eyebrows would catch it first.
DAUGHTER: …
ME: Night, sweetheart.
When I asked for some alone time, I didn’t mean when I was bringing in the groceries.
99% of celebrating your birthday as an adult just consists of texting back “thanks so much ❤️”.
BOB: My name spelled backwards is the same.
DAVE: Hahaha I’d be Evad.
LANA: Guys, can we play different game?
If I ever become a ghost, I sure hope they have some options other than pottery.
I don’t think I’m a stoner….more herbally infused.
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
Him: What dat mouf do?
Me: Talk a lot of shit and eat fried chicken.
“It’s important to remember Snitches get stitches”, I whisper to my 5 year old nephew as my sister asks who drank all of her wine.
You can’t just say “Goddammit!” and expect Me to damn it. There’s a procedure. File the paperwork.
I decided to clean my closet and found a tangled necklace so i spent the next 30min untangling it and then took a well deserved 2hr break
That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening..
My favorite bible character is the woman who wanted the baby and then when Solomon said he would cut the baby in half was like “hell yeah, gimme those legs”
Doctor *as I wake up after an accident* I’m afraid your body’s in a terrible condition
Me: oh no
Doctor: and then you were in an accident
“So he tells me he’s been grounded, and I says to him… I says Hank, it’s probably because of your bad altitude!”
