My dream is to become the first smart person to be interviewed by a newscaster live at a scene.
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I dated my financial advisor for like a year but I lost interest.
Ordered a pizza. Delivery guy and I talked for 45 minutes about swords and he got fired. Now he lives here, we’re gonna fight crime together
YOU’VE GOTTA BE SHITTING ME, CAROL.
*grabs face*
*whispers*
You’re goddamn right I have a few minutes to hear about your new pedometer.
All my tattoos pretty much mean the same thing. I had money to blow.
My wife doesn’t like me saying this but we “bumped uglies”* this morning.
*hit the neighbours’ kids with our car
5: why don’t we have an elf-on-the-shelf?
me: oh honey, it’s not that we don’t love you, it’s just that we don’t hate ourselves
I always text a girl 5 minutes after our first date ended and say ~ “I haven’t given up on us.”
[Glass slipper fits on ugly girl with same shoe size as Cinderella]
Prince Charming: Um… well. Tell ya what, I’m gonna keep on looking.
What’s your zodiac sign? I’m a banjo wizard.
One man has two TCs, an ex with a troll account & a girlfriend who knows his passcode. How long does this man have to live?
Show your work.
Everyone in Canada is really pretty which means I should probably move there
I can’t watch movies made before 1998 because the gas prices in the background of scenes make me too angry
Did you know that nuns have to eat a banana with a knife and fork?
Today someone asked me, how much you weigh….
So I told her one hundred and sexy!#curvyissexy
He died doing two things he loved: making a toast sandwich and taking a bath
I bought a Mr. Microphone at a garage sale. Now I’m driving around yelling at bad drivers.
Best 25¢ I’ve ever spent.
Me: Man, I’m exhausted! I’m going to get a good night’s sleep tonight.
Toddler: hold my sippy cup
I just accidentally read “Federal” as “Feral” and it made zero difference to the article.
I meant to take a long refreshing chug of soda, but I had not opened the can, so basically I french kissed aluminum.
A key difference between keeping a cat & chimp as a pet, is a cat will eat your face off when you die. But chimps lack that kind of patience
When people ask if I was dropped on the head as a child, my mother’s face turns red and she changes the subject.
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
Me: [talking to millenials] When I was your age, dragons roamed the earth. Magic was real. There were only three Star Wars movies.
me *sees wife’s cheesecake*
future me [sent here to warn me what would happen if I ate it] *knocks on the front door*
me *already eating it*
Please, call me Seahorse. Mr. Seahorse was my mother.
Be brave. Tell your boss “I don’t think we are quite there yet” when he uses your first name.
If I unfollow you, it’s because of the new follow button or because I don’t like you. Either way I am blaming the new button.
ATTENTION ALABAMA RESIDENTS: tonight’s penumbral lunar eclipse is perfectly natural. The moon is undamaged. Gay people are not stealing it.
I just tried to “Like” an email so I didn’t have to reply to it