My dream is to become the first smart person to be interviewed by a newscaster live at a scene.
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I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.
Was placed in charge of the group chat this week and I think I handled it pretty well
Dan and I had been lovingly gazing at each other in silence for a couple of seconds and at the same moment I eventually said “you’re very handsome” he blurted out “do you think I’d be a good mayor”.
me: it doesn’t have a tail so i’m pretty sure it’s a hamster
tech support: okay fine right-click the hamster
I woke up this morning with stir-fry all over my bed.
I was probably sleep-wokking again.
These food blogs start simple.
‘How to cook rice. Boil. Serve’
But over time…
‘How to crème brûlée baba ganoush with caramel’.
A wireless bra? They weren’t tricky enough, now I need a password?
[on Ferris wheel]
ME: This is going great.
MY DATE: This is so weird.
UBER DRIVER: Let’s get cotton candy next.
JOKER: Why so serious
ME: Have you seen the news?
JOKER: Ok fair
“I shaved for this shit?” – All of us at one point in our lives.
[blind date]
HER: I love classic rock.
ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.
Okay this nightmare isn’t going to realize itself
I had my leg X-rayed today.
The doctor said: ‘Your patella measures 2.54cm’.
I said: ‘Inch-high knees?’
He said: ‘您的髌骨是2.54厘米高.’
Greatest days of my life:
3) Day I got married
2) Day my first kid was born
1) Day Facebook let you turn off notifications for their games
BREAKING NEWS: Bread is extremely toxic to humans.
“Just throw it all in a lake somewhere,” says one long-billed scientist
If you make fun of a guy named Terry and he shoots you dead, you have died of dissin’ Terry…
… don’t get up. I’ll show myself out.
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
*bites zombie*
friend: got any advice for a struggling actor?
me: maybe audition for roles that involve being tied up
You have to be careful with people. You give someone the wrong look and they’ll tell you their whole life story.
“You’re a ten?”
“On the PH scale, Cuz you basic.”
Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now
To keep track of us all in the 50’s mom just hung us up on the clothes line.
Me: *buys a baseball cap shopping with my 13yo Niece, rips off the tag, and curves the brim*
Niece: *stares at me like I committed a murder in front of her*
I don’t care if you used to be the village bicycle…
All that matters is that you’re my bicycle now.
~inspirational tweet
[covered in olive oil, salt, pepper and other herbs and spices]
Professor: “That’s just not what I meant when I said “come prepared”…”
I have a new favorite conspiracy theory
I think between the two of them, Kim & Kanye had enough money for a box of condoms.
Earlier today every man and his brother were talking to me at Home Depot and at first I thought maybe I was ovulating? Then I looked in the mirror and realized what was different. I brushed my hair this morning.
Omg Brad Pitt just followed me! How does he only have 14 followers?!?!