My dream is to buy a horse and race it. The horse will probably beat me but it’ll still be fun
You Might Also Like
Please send thoughts and prayers to my cats, they shall surely never recover from the sound of the popcorn maker
Villain: We meet again, Mr. Bond
Bond: You don’t remember my 1st name do you
Villain: Sure I do. It’s uh..
Bond: C’mon this is our 3rd fight
The lack of proof that Robert Downey Jr is stalking me just convinces me that he is very good at it.
At jury duty they said, “You do not have to be fluent in English.” So what you’re supposed to do is just guess if the guy is innocent.
2-year-old: The dog tastes like dirt.
Me: Don’t lick the dog.
2: He licked me first.
“Last Christmas” is a strange song. It’s been 12 months and we’re just now addressing this situation?
Doctor: I have your test results
Me: did I pass hahaha
Doctor: hahaha you will soon
Me: haha what
No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.
If you have 6+ numbers after your name as part of your Twitter handle I can only assume you’re an inmate & tweeting from prison.
I wish had the patience of a former coworker who would peel her strawberries
WIFE: You’re embarrassing, ridiculous and an ill informed pseudo intellectual.
ME: “Your”
[stranded on deserted island]
*spells out message in rocks*
WHAT’S
THE
WIFI
PASSWORD
Watched Dahmer with my grandma and she kept talking about ways to get that smell out of the house.
Very concerning
Life hack :
Receive a wide assortment of yellow, orange, pink and red envelopes, free of charge, simply by not paying your bills.
Our friends have canceled our dinner plans 3 nights in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like dinner.
Sing like no one’s listening
Dance like no one’s watching
Rub up against the bus stop like no one’s going to call the police
I have an emotional support chicken roasting in the oven.
Taken 4: How does this shit keep happening
My left ovary feels sore… like it was working out? I guess I’d say it’s
ovary active
When someone buys a new car I like to get them a ziploc bag full of gas as like a car warming present.
”Wear your good flip flops ” isn’t something I thought I would ever say, but here we are
Shrek 5 should be a multiverse team-up with Gamora, the Grinch, the Hulk, the Jolly Green Giant, Kermit, an Orion dancer, Oscar, Mike Wazowski, Baby Yoda, Non-Baby Yoda, & that guy who won’t shut up about his one Irish grandparent.
Seductively takes 378 bobby pins out of my hair
Logged into Facebook.
‘Happiness is like a butterfly….’
Logged out of Facebook.
911: ‘911 what’s your emergency?’
Me *mumbles ‘I just got to the nursery and they replaced all the kids with PLANTS!’
911: *click
If you want your kid to repeat doing something then just say “don’t do that!”
I SAID: How’s vacation going?
MY PARENTS HEARD: I’ve got a couple hours, can you tell me every intricate detail about the weather? Start with the day you left.
Dear toilet paper companies
I think it’s safe to say you can stop airing tv commercials
[Premiere of A River Runs Through It]
Beavers: Booooo!
As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled