My dream is to buy a horse and race it. The horse will probably beat me but it’ll still be fun
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went to the frame shop. as I waited in dread to hear what it would cost, I closed my eyes and thought of a ridiculously high number and fixated on it so the real number, whatever it was, would come as a relief. but the real number was A HUNDRED DOLLARS HIGHER
@Lottie_Poppie I’m at my ideal weight. If I was a baby blue whale
What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone
If you love someone, let them go.
If they don’t come back, get a dog.
*Opening presents
1986: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
2016: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
You say “leftover bacon” like I’m supposed to know what that is…
9yo: Can I have McDonald’s for supper?
Me: Let me think about it
9yo: *gives me a hug*
9yo: Did that help?
“You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours.”
Me: Are you sure you passed dermatology school?
If you stand by and watch someone wreck their life, you’re part of the problem
And yet we all still go to weddings for the open bar
[Shopping]
Him: Those cans aren’t dented, right? I don’t want botulism.
Me: Don’t worry. The arsenic I put in your food will balance it out.
The last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood
I ran over someone and now there’s a bunch of flowers where it happened. It’s like, I came back to apologize, not be lavished with gifts
[first day as a peterinarian]
Customer: I think there’s a misprint on that sign
Me (petting dog): No.
*waits for someone to have sex with me so I can use the ‘sex with me is like’ joke format*
I have this awesome app that shows me what I would look like as a fat person. It’s called Camera.
Wile Coyote was the original online shopper and helped advance modern logistics and distribution.
Man Hoping People Notice How Many Folding Chairs He’s Carrying At Once
DATE: Are we in Starbucks because you’ve forgotten my name?
ME: Haha of course that’s
BARISTA: Latte for Rachel
ME: not true, Rachel
DATE: That’s not mine
ME: DAMN IT
Seas the day!!!!
one thing the entire animal kingdom has in common is the face we make when our kid won’t shut up
Some call me Mike while others call me Jesus Christ, Mike.
Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?
Him: What’s your sign?
Me: Dollar
COMPUTER: Enter your password
ME: [types ‘posh_people’s_tea’]
COMPUTER: Your password is too weak
ME: [high fives computer]
If you had a choice between owning a dragon or world peace, what would you name your dragon?
toothpaste ads are like do you want your teeth to look so good it makes your friends feel like shit? and ppl be like hell yeah i do
crazy
[Funeral]
Me: “Do you mind if I say a word?”
Widow: “Please do”
Me *clears throat: “Plethora!”
Widow: “Thank you. That means a lot.”
I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying
Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious
Someone just followed me and their bio said they were born in the year 2000 and I was like, “OKAY YEAH SURE, so you’re 3?” and then I realized that the year 2000 was 19 years ago and I am an old person.