“My dream is to create something that both dogs and fraternity brothers will enjoy chasing with equal vigor.” — inventor of the frisbee
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I told my wife that she was sounding like her mother and I realized that was a mistake after I regained consciousness.
911: whats the emergency?
∞: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.
DETECTIVE: TELL US WHERE THE STOLEN BANK MONEY IS HIDDEN
ROBBER: Nope, but I WILL give you a series of clues
DETECTIVE: ok this sounds fun
Met another guy who lost his left leg. He’s a cool guy. We make a right pair
falling in love with me is cool more people should do it
I’m so old, I saw some kids roughhousing and bruised.
told my kid to sign my boyfriend’s birthday card
“It’s a competition, I didn’t come here to make friends.” — Jerry, the 1st contestant eliminated on this season’s “Friendmakers”.
I don’t really think I know what ovulating is, but I think my friend Brian is ovulating.
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom
Guilty! 🤪
Husband: *accidentally drops a fancy platter*
Me: *realizes it’s his mom’s platter but acts angry out of principle*
I was supposed to be taller, but I made it up with width for the sake of Geometry.
My gravestone will probably say: Oh yeah? Well you’re all dead to me too.
It’s possible to eat 7 and a half Tillamook cheese snack portions before you feel sick. Someone had to find out for the rest of you.
My husband before the holidays: I don’t need anything
My husband right after the holidays: I’ve always wanted this thing, and also I really really want this, and I’d love to have this other thing
My most difficult parenting challenge to date is when my toddler shouted “oh my god, not again!” when my over talkative neighbour came to chat to us and I had to try not to laugh
[Halloween]
Lady: what are you this this year?
Me: *dressed as a phone battery meter* I’m at 10% and it’s only 7pm.
Lady: *faints*
Me in my 20’s: I graduated with honors
Me in my 40’s: I beat Waze to work
The worst thing about life is getting comfortable and then realizing that you don’t have the remote.
person: can you keep a secret?
me: I’ll never share what you say but it will weigh on me and negatively affect my life
person: oh thank god
You raise a generation of overthinkers by telling them to put on their thinking caps in second grade, but never to take them off.
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
Cartoons were better when people got anvils dropped on them and accidentally smoked dynamite like cigars.
me: [arguing] oh so I’m too bossy?
girlfriend: I think I need a break
me: [checks clipboard] says here you already had one today
Happy birthday to all the women
GUY WHO INVENTED CELEBRATING BIRTHDAYS: *is born* Ok wow like what an accomplishment
MOTHER: For me?
GUY: N- HELL no. For me. Please shut up
“Yes, but what if 9 pregnant women could produce a baby in 1 month?”
-More or less every project manager I’ve ever worked for
Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.
It’s like you don’t even care that I filled my pockets with mashed potatoes and gravy for you