Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Age ain’t nothing but a number.” Bro, age is a word.

I believe extraterrestrials arrived on Earth via flying lavatories. I believe in scientoiletgy, my friends.

Him: *gets the handcuffs out*

Me: mmm, have I been naughty? *slow wink*

Cop: we’ll let the judge decide, eh?

I Can’t Tonight…

To avoid being eaten by zombies, go to Settings / Home Invasion Settings / Cannibalism / Brains, and then uncheck the “tasty” box.

Date: Did you just spit your tooth out?

Me: Oh that’s not mine

“Bob’s coming over”
Bob from work or Bob who thinks he’s a cop?
*knock on door* OPEN UP, POLICE
*flushing drugs down toilet* “Bob from work”

My mom loves telling people that I practically raised myself. I used to think she was proud of my independence, but now I realize she’s been distancing herself from blame.

The best part of running at 5am is the irrational, adult fear of zombies to keep you going.

FedEx tracking:
1. we don’t know if ur package exists
2. delivered

My first son he is wonderful

Billy where is your homework? “im sorry Ms. Klein my dog- *sees dog in the window make a throat cutting motion* -gone cat ate it”

10: I think I want to run the 10k

Me: Girl, you don’t even want to chase down the ice cream truck

Some people don’t like awkward silences but I do because that’s when I think about Thundercats.

If Superman were a realtor, he could describe literally any apartment in the world as ‘a stone’s throw from the beach’.

I imagine dinner would almost be cooked by now if I’d remembered to put it in the oven

– a memoir

Putting my cat at the top of my Christmas tree this year because 1) she’s already an angel and 2) she’s going to climb up there anyway

him: my dad left when I was younger, around 7

me: before rush hour, smart move

Given the amount of clowns around here you’d think it would be more entertaining

SNAKE: im gonna bite you
SNAKE CHARMER: u are so sexy
S: wha-
SC: *presses finger to lips* still wana bite me?
S: *blushes* well not anymore

Hickory dickory dock
I think that my soulmate’s a sock

The End

my daughter responded to my two paragraph text message with a thumbs up. Parenting books don’t explain how to deal with this level of disrespect

Yoga class instructor: Welcome. Uhh why are you carrying a lightsaber?

Me: Misread the brochure I have.

i told my roommate i was going on a date tonight, and he goes “let me see what you’re working with” so i did a pose 💅🏽

and he says “not you, the guy” 😭😭

What kind of losers are sitting home and tweeting on a Friday night?!?!

Oh, wait…never mind.

Toddler: what’s that?

Me: that’s the sky.

Toddler: what’s sky mean?

Me: sky means sky.

Toddler: what’s that?

Me: that’s grass.

Toddler: what’s grass mean?

Me: grass means grass.

Toddler: what’s that?

Me: tears.

Toddler: what’s tears mean?

Me: it means please just stop.

The Three Little Pigs use the money from their life story to build the ultimate house.

Listening to music and explicit lyrics play.

In my 20s: *turns song up and sings along loudly with it*

In my 40s: *changes song* Do they have to cuss so much?

Open an ice cream shop with flavors like “don’t be sad,” “they’re not worth it,” “you deserve better” and see if people don’t flock right in

Me: could you pass me the Washington Shire sauce

Her: the what?

Me: the Westminster Shore sauce

Her: are you having a stroke?

Me: the Warcaster Shiner sauce

Her: hello, 911? I need an ambulance-

Me: the Willmington Scone sauce

Her: please, it’s getting worse

Me: the Wank-