new dad Todd: lol check out what I did with my baby
friend: lmao dude did you actually put him in a treetop
Todd: lmao the wind rocks him so I don’t have to
friend: yo what if the bough breaks or some shit hahaha
Todd (suddenly serious): bro why would you even say that
“My dream is to create something that both dogs and fraternity brothers will enjoy chasing with equal vigor.” — inventor of the frisbee
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and the Oscar for best actor goes to me for sitting at my desk and pretending to work
Netflix: *30 seconds into an Adam Sandler comedy* Are you still watching?
Things never heard before sex,
“Wait let me take off my crocs first”
life is a continuous learning experience, so i can spend all my time not paying attention and drawing cartoons on notepaper just like school
The glove snap before the prostate exam isn’t necessary. We just do that to mess with you.
*gets sentenced to 25 years in prison*
*opens twitter app*
I decided to be faithful to my boyfriend. I think I’m really in love this time! I don’t recall ever feeling like this before.
when my sister was like 5 she wrote a note to the easter bunny that said “happy easter are you a boy or a girl” and my mom left a typed note that said “sorry i can’t read i’m just a bunny”
Me: Remind me of your name again?
Ben: It’s Ben
Me: one week since you looked at me…