@longwall26

“My dream is to create something that both dogs and fraternity brothers will enjoy chasing with equal vigor.” — inventor of the frisbee

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@maisondecris

new dad Todd: lol check out what I did with my baby

friend: lmao dude did you actually put him in a treetop

Todd: lmao the wind rocks him so I don’t have to

friend: yo what if the bough breaks or some shit hahaha

Todd (suddenly serious): bro why would you even say that

@AksharPathak

and the Oscar for best actor goes to me for sitting at my desk and pretending to work

@stephenjmolloy

Netflix: *30 seconds into an Adam Sandler comedy* Are you still watching?

@thatUPSdude

Things never heard before sex,

“Wait let me take off my crocs first”

@wolfpupy

life is a continuous learning experience, so i can spend all my time not paying attention and drawing cartoons on notepaper just like school

@bloodysurgeon1

The glove snap before the prostate exam isn’t necessary. We just do that to mess with you.

@MrAdamBez

*gets sentenced to 25 years in prison*

*opens twitter app*

*looks up*

*being released*

@not_delicate

I decided to be faithful to my boyfriend. I think I’m really in love this time! I don’t recall ever feeling like this before.

My husband:

@alliewach

when my sister was like 5 she wrote a note to the easter bunny that said “happy easter are you a boy or a girl” and my mom left a typed note that said “sorry i can’t read i’m just a bunny”

@KarenReneK

Me: Remind me of your name again?

Ben: It’s Ben

Me: one week since you looked at me…