My dream is to witness a brawl in a McDonald’s and then be the first guy to try to order after things die down.
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Writers of crime show blurbs are lazy. “She was missing and then her case took a shocking turn.”
It’s not shocking. I’m watching a show with murder in the title. I’d be shocked if she grew a third arm and joined the circus, but I’m fairly confident I know what’s up.
[a shark bites my arm off at the bicep]
me: “MY TATTOOS”
I’ve started using “good gravy” around the house as an exclamation, and guys, it’s going great.
The bad news is I spent 10 minutes digging in my bag for a comb.
The good news is I found an earring, a penguin, and half a burrito.
Found 6 cents in the laundry and all I can say is this family better start tipping better if they want fabric softener
In the lobby of an office building in Toronto. I guess to make sure employees are flooded with resentment the instant they walk in the door?
Person: Home decor is a niche market.
Me: Baked flan with a savory filling thickened with eggs is a quiche market.
Do I speak Spanish?
Oui!
humans only use 10% of their treadmills
I hate when someone is on the machine right next to me at the gym and I feel pressured to share these cheese fries.
Him: Are you eating cake for breakfast again?
Me: [mouth full] It’s got eggs in it.
My neighbor must be having a rough day. I caught her sneaking out her bathroom window while I was sneaking out my bathroom window.
whenever a man says he’s well endowed I always hope he means with a grant from the government for his new art project
The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself five years from now?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.
Our neighbors have little kids, so they hosted a “New Year in London” party
They dressed up, played croquet on the front lawn, watched a livestream from London, and were done by 6:30pm central 😂
A curse:
May your children do impersonations of you that are both embarrassing and perfectly accurate.
I’m getting tired of my husband always borrowing lotion that I stole from his gym bag.
My friend is really mad that the same team keeps winning her local pub quiz so she’s recruiting literally everyone can think of to join hers because they don’t have team size limits, and I can’t wait for her to become the reason they implement team size limits.
After getting married, my wife used to joke that she will now have sex with only one person for the rest of her life.
Turns out she was talking about her boyfriend.
Finding an open electrical socket at the airport and discovering it doesn’t work feels like buying a pair of pants and discovering the pockets are fake.
The Pixar lamp killed my Dad.
– i
*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
Emperor: How are my elite troops doing on Endor?
Vader: They were all viciously murdered by teddy bears.
Emperor: That sounds plausible.
Found out today my ex girlfriend married a successful businessman. I’m probably better off without her, seems like she has ambition and standards
Me: I’d like to schedule an eye exam.
Receptionist; Any particular reason?
Me: Bikini season.
What doesn’t kill you probably tried, saw your tweets, and felt bad for you
Taught a parrot to repeatedly say “WHERE ARE YOUR GLOVES?” and now I don’t have to talk to my kids until Spring so that’s pretty cool.
I am crying