Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My answer to the question “where would you most like to work?” is the same as to the question “what’s your favourite dog?” Chocolate lab.

Teenage son gets academic honors every year in school, yet he can’t cut a straight line with a lawnmower. I believe I am being played……

Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and wonder, “Do my children just spit directly at their face when brushing their teeth?”

Someone from the HOA came a-knockin’. They said something about the community pool needing upkeep. They were asking for donations.

So I handed them a sippy cup full of water.

When your office brings in lunch for everyone, how long should you wait after eating it before you go ahead and eat the sandwich you brought from home too? Is it two hours? I think it’s two hours.

Me: Breakfast!
Son: YOU made it?
Me: Yup.
Son: What is it?
Me: An omelet.
Son: It’s…um… crunchy.
Me: NEXT TIME PICK UP YOUR LEGOS.

I hate spitting so much. In “Titanic” when Jack and Rose spit at the sea, I was done. They got what they deserved. The sea did what it had to do.

If you cut me off in traffic you better be ready to look in your rearview mirror and see me yelling something you can’t hear.

LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: grandma what big eyes you have
WOLF: u really think I look like ur grandma? I should eat u just for that u dumb shit

What are you listening to?
The Who
Who?
Yes
You’re listening to Yes?
No The Who
Oh I like them
No not Them. The band is The Who.
The Band?

Interviewer: can you give me an example of when you overcame a challenge?

Me: yep. I made it here on time even though I got really high an hour ago

IKEA assembly instructions should come with a glossary of Swedish swear words.

Dear Olive Garden,

They grow on trees. Your name should be Olive Orchard. Seems like someone could have googled this.

“daddy I hear footsteps on the roof, it must be Santa”
*checks santa tracker* new zealand? *grabs frying pan and knife* go get in bed, son

I’m bathing in hot water with a bunch of vegetables, herbs and spices! The mayor has a big wooden spoon and he’s swirling the water around for me.

The only time you should be faking it is when your pet checks to see if you’re awake

I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo

strongly relate to the honey cake’s needs

Doctor: Your baby is 7 pounds!
Me: So that’s like, what, three dollars?

Sex is cool, but have you ever had a can opener that actually works?

Oh, you don’t have sex on the first date? How about on the last date?

Overheard a couple arguing at the grocery store. At one point, guy says to his GF “you need to relax!”

And I now know how fast I can get from the frozen food section to the parking lot.

If you click with someone, be their friend. If they prove they’re not worthy of your friendship, bury the body & start again.

Establish dominance by saying “I thought you’d say that” in response to everything anyone says to you.

Me: [sitting on a swing, eating goldfish crackers out of a plastic baggie at the park]

Him: How old is your child?

Me: Child?

Life hack: Stop looking for love in Tinder or Twitter. Try Linkedin, at least you know they’d all have a job.

Stop asking me about my five year plan.
Let me eat my pizza in peace and denial.

I know “hate” is a strong word but there’s really no other way to describe my feelings for people getting cars for Christmas in tv commercials

describing stardew valley

*First Date*
Him: You’ve been really quiet. Everything ok?
Me: *Sadly* Your SnapChat photos made me think you were a super intelligent dog.