Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[home schooling, day 1]

Me: I know this is hard.
12:
Me: I know it’s frustrating.
12:
Me: But we’ll get through it.
12:
Me: Now explain this math to me just once more, I’m very close to understanding it.

My kid accidentally waved down the ice cream truck, she honestly just wanted to say hello, now she’s eating ice cream, I don’t understand what just happened

I read that the middle child is becoming extinct, so I guess you could say I’m an endangered species.

[robbing a bank]

Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go

Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit

“You need to take better care of yourself.”

– four physicians that I’ve outlived

I’m prepared for anything.

Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.

*glow-in-the-dark vampire approaches*

ME: *trembling* Phospheratu?

My proper Mom said to get fully dressed for a party and then remove one item.

But people always give me odd looks when I don’t wear pants.

If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.

Many people mistakenly believe that diamond is the hardest substance on earth, when in fact its microwaved egg on the sides of this bowl

My little old fish didn’t move around in her bowl all day. i thought she was dead but it turns out she was just going through minnow pause.

I disagree with liquor store hours. It’s 8am..let me in.

[sees a sheep] oh my goodness that towel is still alive

Some people enter your life just to improve your pronunciation.

Welcome to your 40’s you are 15-20lbs overweight no matter what and sweat constantly. You irritate anyone under 30, and have 5 years max left before your phone completely confuses you.

Got a bottle of Omega 3 thrown at me.. Luckily, my injuries were only super fish oil🙃

Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person

me: my phone is always on silent

them: don’t you miss calls?

me: yes 🙂

[walks into a laundromat with a bag of popcorn kernels and heads straight to the dryers]

The purpose of hangers is to put a zig zag wrinkle in your pants at the knees.

I don’t eat like a bird; I eat like a squirrel. I get super hungry and dig in my desk for nuts at 4 pm and shove them all in my mouth at once

7 year old: two of the boys at school were executed for fighting

me: you mean ‘expelled’?

7 year old: I’m pretty sure about this one, dad

ME: We’re all out of beef

CHEF: In that case, I need you to grill the chicken

ME [rolling sleeves up] you think that little shit knows something?

Simba – “welcome to… The bone zone”
Nala – “the what?”
Simba – “elephant graveyard. I said elephant graveyard”

my life changed when i learned some house spiders can’t survive outside so now i just catch them and release them in a friend’s home

Do not drink and drive..

because there are people out there who text and drive…

and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!

Your pancakes will never taste as good as the ones your mother made because those pancakes had a secret ingredient, which is that you were six years old.

Holding back your crazy is like sucking in your fat. Eventually it’s gonna come out.

The 10 Most Defining Viral Twitter Posts of All Time

1.

Her: I’m sorry my baby keeps crying. He’s got teeth coming in.

Me: Well, don’t worry, I’ll sign for them…