My dream job is a 7-11 hot dog just rolling there endlessly in a zen state of warmth
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BEN CARSON: On the news I saw a portal to another dimension open & robots came out, we need to stop that
MODERATOR:That was The Avengers sir
Ugh I hate being a celeb my fans are always asking me “when is your next rent check going to drop?” & “when can we expect you to pay us back for covering your rent last month?” It’s like respect my privacy please.
Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.
Has anyone tried biting a zombie to see if they just turn back into people?
Back in my day we used ter wake up at tha crack o’ dawn to tend to these here tweets
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
God invented co-workers to remind us that dying alone wouldn’t be such a bad thing.
Keeping 6 ft away from me may protect you from my germs, but you’ll need to be a lot farther than that to avoid the glare from my heavily-sequined Christmas sweater.
Boycott kissing men at midnight. It’s New Year’s Eve not New Years Steve.
Monday, why can’t you be more like Tuesday and have tacos
I’m really good at acting like I’m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.
SON: What will happen when I die?
DAD: Well son, you know how all dogs go to heaven?
SON: YA-
DAD: You’re not a dog.
A grasshopper just jumped onto my foot and I reacted like I was being attacked by a shark.
A dad and his duck
You gotta know when to tweet em
Know when to delete em
Know when to follow someone
Know when to run
How to be a politician: 1. Tell people what you’re going to do 2. Don’t do it 3. Change the subject.
A bank safety deposit box may seem extreme, but you don’t understand how hard it is to hide a box of Girl Scout cookies from my family.
Wife: pick a Christmas movie to watch.
Me: Lord of the Rings.
Wife: that’s not a Christmas movie.
Me: then why does it have elves?
Wife:
Me: plus Gandalf looks like Low Carb Santa.
I saw The Blair Witch Project way too young and it made me afraid of projects
reporter: an asteroid is predicted to hit earth this week
me: *vacuums a little faster*
me, doing piggyback rides with daughter: isn’t this fun?
her: *out of breath* dad ur like super heavy
Friends don’t let friends buy cinnamon scented decorative brooms.
pet owner’s tip: glue the very tip of your cat’s tail to the center of their back to make a convenient cat-carrying handle.
*runs away from Satan*
*runs towards cake*
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
This is how classically trained musicians beautifully battle on stage
If three ghosts visited me on Christmas Eve I’d call a priest, not buy everyone a turkey.
There should be a reality show where project managers try to meet outrageous deadlines while developers keep introducing new features.
