My dream job is a pharmacy cashier & yelling for a price check every time someone checks out anal ointment, condoms, & men buying maxi pads.
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*Corrects the grammar on your Christmas card and mails it back*
Eating healthy is boring but it can extend your lifespan so basically there are no advantages
Me: I’ll take ‘Marriage’ for 800 Alex
Alex: Having one wife too many
Me: What is bigamy
Alex: Nooo. We were looking for, what is monogamy
Do you need to go peepee?
-No
Are you sure?
-Yes
How bout you try?
-No
Ook, goodnight*as soon as I relax*
-MOM HELP I’M PEEPING MY PANTS!
Social distancing in Australia:
wife: Why are there dishes in the sink?
my son’s last words: Because you didn’t do them
Me- my boyfriend never messages goodnight before sleeping 😞
My friend- maybe because you don’t have one?
*first day as a dog catcher
“I don’t see why we can’t use a ball.”
I recently bought a corset to spice up my sex life. Once I’ve learned how to breathe in the damn thing I’ll tell you how it worked out.
If your teens are arguing about the best way to cut sandwiches while holding super sharp knives, it’s a good time to remind them that you can only afford college for one anyway.
[uber driver dropping me off at the gym] see you back here in five minutes
Every Sunday is superbowel if you eat enough chili
Me: I wonder why my stomach hurts
Taco Bell: that’s weird, I dunno what it could be
passion fruit: i had a wild date last night, what did you do?
jackfruit: oh nothing
Someone wrote that today is like waiting for the results of a biopsy, except half your family hopes it’s cancer.
[Elementary School sends out the “time to check lost and found for your child’s missing items” annual email…]
Me: Hello, U-haul…Me again…Imma need your biggest truck
[MasterChef]
GORDON RAMSAY: Describe the dish
ME: *proudly* Ceramic, chef.
You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: ….Punches 6yo in the face.
Me: Woah,what the hell was that for?
8yo: He knows.
Gym Employee: Thats not how you operate that machine, sir.
Me: *Hanging clothes all over treadmill* But this is how I use it at home.
“What are you doing tonight?”
Gonna smoke some Herb.
“Nice.”
-guys who work in a crematorium
Friend: My husband sets his alarm 30 minutes early so we can cuddle in the morning.
Me: My husband lets me sleep because he values his life.
It’s actually a little-known fact: Jesus drives a Honda Accord.
Johnny Depp was the ultimate bad boy until he started looking like my great aunt.
lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake
I only wear dresses on sad occasions, like funerals and weddings.
I don’t use chocolate chip cookies to solve my problems, only treat the symptoms.
Who were the kings of disco?
A) Gees
B) Gees
C) Gees
D) Gees
Relationship Status: Married long enough to know when I hear her say “I love you,” she’s talking to our dog.
DOCTOR: You should lose some weight
ME: Ok I’ll consider it
VET: Your dog should lose some weight
ME: Hey bud, you’re going on a diet!