My dream job is a pharmacy cashier & yelling for a price check every time someone checks out anal ointment, condoms, & men buying maxi pads.
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Excuse me miss, you’re a cat – a man who doesn’t know how to cat call
Evolution sometimes moves forward due to tiny differences making one species less competitive
For instance T-rex died out bc, lacking selfie sticks, their instagram feeds were less effective
Someone sent this to me and it’s bone chilling in its accuracy
[ creating bats ]
god: well we already made birds
angel:
god:
angel: what if they were goth
god: omg what IF they were goth tho
LIFE HACK: If a person is drowning, you can save their life by putting them in a bag of rice
WIFE: You’re embarrassing, ridiculous and an ill informed pseudo intellectual.
ME: “Your”
it sucks that brainwashing is a bad thing because generally speaking the idea of washing my brain sounds so nice
The whole internet loves Milkshake Duck, a lovely duck that drinks milkshakes! *5 seconds later* We regret to inform you the duck is racist
I always close the door to the bathroom even if I’m home alone. What if someone broke in and saw me peeing? That would be so embarrassing
My turd eating dog just spit out something I cooked if anyone wants to come to dinner.
Establish dominance on rival dads by rubbing sunscreen on your kids, right when they’re getting yelled at for not bringing sunscreen
please don’t invite me to your wedding unless you’re registered at arby’s
BARBER: what’ll it be
ME: can u make me feel extremeley self-conscious for 45 minutes
BARBER: u got it
LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOO
If a group of necrophiliacs ran into group of zombies…who would do the chasing?
Oh, I went there…;)
“the only thing standing between you and your dreams is you” yeah have you met me that’s gonna be a problem
Surgeon: I need someone to unroll this bandage, stat!
Cat nurse, excitedly: I’ve got this.
Give a man a catfish and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to catfish and he can have Internet boyfriends in 7 different countries.
BEETROOT
Beetroot, beetroot
Purple, earthy treat root
Come hither to my house with meBeetroot, beetroot
Purple, earthy treat root
I long to roast you for my tea#NationalPoetryDay
“I’ve invented the toaster”
SADISTIC CEO: What number toasts it perfectly?
“2”
SC: ok make it *cries with laughter* make it go up to 8
Breaking news: There’s been an alarming rise of close call heart attacks. The first symptom is, “you almost gave me a heart attack!”
When I want something a little healthier than an ice cream sandwich, I usually go for an ice cream salad.
Wanted: 6 people to dress up as Zombie Teletubbies and join me in a circle howling at the moon in my neighbor’s arbory
No weirdos
just kicked half a dozen toys under the sofa and called my house tidy
Them: you have an attitude problem
Me: it’s not a problem… I like it
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.
Just a reminder your kids will be left to clean out your belongings when you die and will find ‘the bedroom drawer’.