Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired

Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?

Ex Girlfriend:…

shepherd: SWEET CAROLINE

sheepdog: god i hate this guy

sheep: BAH BAH BAH

sheepdog: ok i hate all of you

tried to smoke some salmon but had a really hard time rolling it and i couldn’t really get it to light

[tinder date]

me: oh wow this is awkward

sunset: *just kinda sets there*

me: but i thought you were, you know

sunset: *still setting*

me: a shy woman who used a sunset pic as your profile photo and not uhhh

sunset: *fully sets behind the restaurant table edge*

There was a slight misunderstanding, and my kids are out in the yard looking for rabbits, but whatever keeps them busy

Bananas.
Because you can’t stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.

You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying

Eulogies are just goth stand-up.

CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well said

FRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?

Just because you’ve never met a time traveler doesn’t mean there aren’t any. Those idiots probably all got eaten by dinosaurs

The pastor’s sermon went on so long that even Jesus got up and walked out.

i think anyone who has ever had beautiful styled hair or tried to hold a big pile of leaves in their hands will know the trouble a gust of wind can cause.

Once I read this story abt a meth addict, she’d vacuum her whole house daily, even the walls, and that alone was enough to keep me off meth.

Understand men, or die trying.

Or try dying.
Or quit trying.
Or lie crying.
Or cry tweeting.

Or tweet trying, to understand men.

CNN: President Obama Rescues a Child From a Burning Home

FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working Firefighters

I never take my glasses off unless I’m sleeping or in the shower or sleeping in the shower

If you’ve been a bad parent this year, Santa is putting recorders in your kids’ stockings.

Me: I’m worried that the romance has gone out of our marriage

Hub: Bet I can change your mind during the next commercial break

What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except bears, bears will kill you.

Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.

Husband: What is today?

Me: I’m in no mood for your riddles today.

I’m from a family of polite kleptomaniacs.

I take after my dad.

Friend: If you could have dinner with anyone alive or dead, who would you choose?

Me: Definitely an alive person

Friend:

Me: Better conversation

Congratulations to everyone who woke up with all of their fingers and toes.

The only way an adult coloring book could help calm my stress is if it was somehow edible.

Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies.

Sorry I said “nice phone” when you showed me a photo of your baby.

*dances with wolves
*wolf asks to be my man
*I become bae o’ wolf

I can’t help but get a little offended whenever my computer suddenly decides to ask me to prove who I am. Oh really, you need a password now, after everything we’ve googled together…