My dress code is business-casualty.
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[at restaurant]
Me: “I’m so hungry I could eat a horse”Wife: “I’m the same”
Horse family at next table: *just sitting very still*
Given the American diet, don’t you think we’d have greater success locating missing children if we put their faces on liters of soda?
If you’re having second thoughts….
you’re ahead of most people.
Doctor-requested food diaries suck. Do you know how long it takes to eat a Family Size bag of M&M’s when you have to weigh each one?
The car’s navigation system warned me of a pothole and then asked if it was still there. Not only is it still there, it has friends.
Onion rings.
What sounds do other vegetables make?
I need the type of burger that you’d hide from your life insurance company
the only reason sharks haven’t built an advanced civilization yet is because they’ll die if they stop swimming. they simply have no time to scribe laws or lay bricks or invent pottery
Me: One more peep out of you kids and I’ll turn this car around
Son: *slowly excretes a marshmallow chick*
Me: THAT’S IT
My apologies in advance as I present to you: Matilda Swinton
if you stab somebody “over a chicken sandwich” you were destined to stab somebody over something, someday. on this day, the wheel of fortune just happened to land on delicious chicken. don’t blame the chicken, baby.
I made a list of the top 10 most popular wordplay jokes, to see if any of them actually made me laugh.
No pun in ten did.
(team meeting)
boss: i’ve always had a no nonsense, take no prisoners approach to…excuse me but what’s with all the looks of disdain?
me: what? oh yeah…since we dropped the mask mandate, it’s difficult to remember that my face isn’t covered.
boss:
has anyone told parents they can show affection without posting the ugliest picture of you in existence
I taught my 7yo chess and she’s created a lengthy backstory about how this once-peaceful community came to odds and a lengthy battle ensued. I am now of the mind that all chess should have a plot.
At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.
No officer, my car was already upside down when I got here.
you can talk about any topic for 30 mins if you’re a confident liar
“There’s no reason to be on Twitter anymore.”
*Every other site goes down*
“Guess who’s back…back again.”
Your call will be answered in the order in which we draw names from a hat.
There’s two people you never, ever, ever talk to: cops and comics.
I love arguing with you so much, I’ll bring a Ouija board to your funeral.
You don’t fully know your own strength until someone tries to pull you onto a dancefloor against your will.
DATE: My ex was spineless & I don’t think I could date anyone like that again
ME, AN OCTOPUS: what
*Hulk smashes thru courtroom wall*
SOMEONE ASK FOR INCREDIBLE WITNESS?!
Judge- no, CREDIBLE!
Hulk- shit HULK VERRY SORRY BOUT YOUR WALL
my signature move is called “the Mouse,” where I run around the dance floor wearing nothing but a tampon
me: *signing to gorilla*
gorilla:*signs back*
reporter: how long did it take him to learn that?
gorilla: years
{During Mass}
Priest: Can someone please check on the woman screaming the rosary in the confessional booth?
I was led to believe there’d be secret missions, stamps in my passport and fancy galas.