Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: Have we been to that restaurant?

Me: hmm damn I’m not sure.

Her: It’s cute how you cross your arms when you’re thinking. Also, please put your hands on the steering wheel, you’re going 84.

[runs to the door to greet wife]
I’m afraid there’s been a terrible accident involving all the things you asked me to do today.

A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.

Flex on houseplants by drinking water whenever you want

[finishing dinner]

her: should we stay for dessert, or you want to back to my place for that 😉

me: *scanning the menu* do you have chocolate souffle at your place?

her: no, but-

me: let’s stay

Did you know there’s a wrong kind of mac-n-cheese? I was unaware that my kids have, over the years, decided there exists but one brand of mac-n-cheese and apparently if I make a different kind the dogs eat it instead.

P.S. the dogs do not exhibit this type of brand loyalty

feeling some mixed emotions while eating dried apricots because it’s like i’m eating human ears but they’re tasty

A smartphone that waits 20 seconds after you unlock before showing you notification indicators so it doesn’t distract you from going to do the thing you opened it for in the first place for so long you forget what it was.

People who don’t like pickles are so important because they give me their pickles

[at party]
friend: is dave coming?
me: cool dave or dave who likes watering holes & has amnesia?
Dave: well, well, well..who do we have here

If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader

I always assume people with red cars were drunk when they went to the dealership.

this coffee maker is handing out writing prompts for a choose-your-own-adventure vampire story

I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.

Hand a baby a fork and he looks like a young Poseidon.

My 4yo daughter happily announced that it was “murder season” today, and it took a solid 10 minutes to realize she meant crape myrtle, not murder.

When your workplace is in chaos but your shift ended 6 seconds ago

I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.

Nothing confuses me more than vegan mascara. Who is eating mascara?

So many recipes say they can be made with stuff you definitely have in your kitchen already, but then none of them ever call for expired sour cream or the giant extra thing of red pepper flakes you bought by accident.

this is the most cat thing ive ever seen

Pffft. Call me when you can cut the sexual tension with a spoon.

Aw yeah! Who has two thumbs and is having sex today? That’s right. Somebody else.

Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?

Him: I love to feel my hair blowing in the breeze

Me: please put your pants back on

Did you know that nuns have to eat a banana with a knife and fork?

I ordered a bed from IKEA and they sent me a tree trunk and a saw.

I told my son if he wants to have company over he needs to clean the house. Either way, big W for me.

The monsters under my bed used to threaten to eat me but now they just whisper something stupid I did 12 years ago.

Told my kids I’m gonna be a toilet for Halloween cause of all the shit I take from them.