Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*KFC*
Me: how tender is the chicken?
Employee: [points to chicken crying watching the notebook]

babies ‍ gremlins
‍🤝

getting wet after midnight makes more

[speed dating]

Her: THIS IS NICE

Me: I’M HAVING FUN TOO

Her: WHAT KIND OF DRUG DID YOU SAY THIS WAS?

Me: IT’S CALLED SPEED

[family vacation]
Son: how much farther?
Me: call me dad

I started dating a lumberjack.

He’s a handsome feller.

My neighbor put alarms in his yard designed to scare squirrels & rabbits but the alarms go off every 20 secs & it’s maddening. He thinks they’re a frequency humans can’t hear (he’s 90 & near deaf). I pulled the batteries & he can’t tell they’re off. Am I going to hell for this?

Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?

*gets bitten by radioactive shark
*the remaining half does not gain super powers

Got kicked out of the grocery store. Apparently yelling “LET THE BEETS DROP!” And throwing them at the ground is not acceptable.

Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?

Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.

when i was 12 i read lingerie like it’s spelled and everyone started laughing and they were like “haha LINGERIE? it’s *lauwnzhoureigh” and i was like ?? how am i the idiot in this situation? sorry i actually know how to read. sorry i don’t just make up sounds when i see letters.

DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO REESE’S

word gets around the prison that i’ve been digging a tunnel. one night they follow me down and find me in my ball pit. they don’t seem to understand freedom

“It’s been months since I got laid.”

– Baby chickens

My confession was so sinful the priest had to call for back up

Me, parenting my kids 10 years ago: We don’t hit each other. We use our words.

Me, parenting teens now: Please take it outside if you’re going to kill your brother. I just cleaned.

Yes, of course I love French films.

Have you seen Rugrats in Paris?

[Security breach at Wayne manor]
BRUCE: *brooding darkly*
ALFRED: The back door is literally just a waterfall

I needed to get a shipment of
almonds to the airport quickly.

It was so weird to call Uber and
ask if they could drive me nuts.

Of all my mistakes, you were the mistakiest

If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?

thinking about parking in a garage downtown just to get some validation

Your dad’s grandpa is also your grandpa’s dad.

my boss: your emails are full of spelling errors. You need to work on that

me: not today satin

Tim Cook: “We’re excited to annou-”
#Apple fans: “We’ll buy it.”
Tim Cook: “Let me fini-”
Apple fans: “We’ll buy that too.”
#iPhone6

Me: I could barely fit our trash into that blue bin

Wife: that’s our neighbor’s new Smart Car

This hand cream is expired, but it tastes completely fine.

Clearly I have no shame but thanks for asking. You must be new here.

Sweetie, who is this bully stealing your pudding cup before school?!?

“Mom, it’s-”

*dad makes throat slice gesture*

“No one, Mom. No one”

her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you

him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags