My dribbled milkshake stains bring all the dry cleaners to my yard
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Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. Because, I’m smarter than my friends.
What part of watching dogs on skateboard makes YouTube ads think I’m in any position to buy the brand new Lexus?
How to be a Canadian:
1) Love hockey
2) Use good manners
3) Drink Tim Hortons
4) Live in a igloo
5) Hunt moose with stick
Just been down the cafe. Good to see Margo’s letting bygones be bygones.
No idea how I’ve managed to make it through life dealing with this constant affliction.
My family: Can you stop pointing at us when you say that.
I decided to beat Black Friday and start my Christmas shopping early.
*Runs Amazon van off the road
Our security system revealed that a black cat arrives at our house every night around 10pm. It then sits on our front stoop all night and leaves around 5am. There is only one logical explanation: I am going to Hogwarts soon.
I think I look pretty okay for my age. It’s just when I hold menus two feet from my face that I know the ruse is up.
Like your own tweets baby, no one will know anyway.
*plans eclipse viewing party*
*buys special glasses*
*gets plenty of snacks and drinks**wakes up to pouring rain*
*goes back to sleep*
Thou shall not throw shade, if though cannot throw hands.
Thuggalations: 17:28
hello. i am the “friend” everyone has been asking questions for online. it has been a very rough three years but im starting to feel better. thanks for all your advice.
u guys like coachella? u know who else was in a desert with people who didn’t shower? Moses. hi i’m your new youth pastor Keith
I thought reverse psychology was when you made your therapist cry
Growing up I really thought piranhas would have been a bigger problem in my life.
Now that’s a Halloween costume! 🤩
I’m sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?
I bought a middle-aged Barbie. She was supposed to come with glasses, but she set them down somewhere and hasn’t seen them since.
Land line and the doorbell both rang at the same time and I collapsed in the middle of the kitchen.
Waking up in my 20s: shoot I have a pimple
Waking up in my 30s: shoot I have unresolved trauma in my lower back
TV shows when an actress is pregnant IRL but not in the show:
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: “Mphh mophh wampph.”
T: Again, this works better if you don’t lie face down on the couch.
I would’ve gotten away with saving money if it weren’t for those meddling kids!
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.
When you accidentally say french kiss instead of chef’s kiss to the server and now you can never show your face in that restaurant again.
“HONEY, MY TOOTHBRUSH IS MOVING!”
“Has it got ears?”
“YEAH.”
“Tail?”
“YEAH.”
“Is it the dog?”
“I THINK I KNOW THE DIFF–AH IT BIT ME AGAIN!”
Sometimes I think I should introduce myself to my neighbors just so they don’t describe me to the police as “Quiet and keeps to herself.”
wake me up when ChatGPT can procrastinate for 7 hours before starting a manual data entry task, then I’ll feel threatened in my job
100% sure whoever named the sea lion never saw a land lion