My dribbled milkshake stains bring all the dry cleaners to my yard
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I AM NOT REALLY YELLING AT YOU I JUST GOT USED TO TALKING TO MY TEENAGER WHO ALWAYS HAS HEADPHONES IN
“Why do old people keep getting scammed by phone calls?” wonders a generation that just sent a headshot and access to the data stored on their iPhones to a company they’ve never heard of before
My 1st grader is home sick today and this morning I caught him trying to cough directly onto his older brother.
I asked why he did that and he said it’s because he loves him and thinks he deserves a day off of school too.
Dear Stephanie on Facebook,
I do not care that you are watching The Breakfast Club.
I only want to know what channel it’s on.
consequences, the bane of my existence
That scene where Scar kills Mufasa only it’s me to the crumbs on my shirt
I think my house is possessed. My kid did everything I asked him to this morning. Without complaining.
Men always criticize our big ole purses but stay asking us for something out of it.
“U got gum?”
“Give me some lotion”
“Hold my gun”
My cat killed a mouse, walked away and looked back at me. I don’t feel safe anymore.
I can’t run from my demons. The law clearly states I have to keep them until they’re 18.
Tom Cruise has signed on for Mission Impossible V. His impossible mission is trying not to show up on everyone’s gaydar.
Me after 1 airport cocktail:
Life Coach: there are 2 wolves inside of you. The one that-
Me: are they ghosts? Spirit wolves? Do I have wolf powers or-
Life Coach: *slowly returning business card to wallet*
Have you seen the Christmas pizza at Domino’s?
The baby cheese crust.
When one door closes, I lock it.
I’m not chancing someone else getting in.
Family dinners are fun because we start out as a family of 6 & then after everyone gets in trouble for acting up it’s a dinner for two.
The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
Granny moaning “godfuckingdammit” as she vomits Red Lobster scampi. @RedLobster: What’s your favorite seaside memory with your grandparents?
There’s nothing quite like a family gathering to remind you of why they’re so infrequent.
Why do they call it sweeping the leg and not defeeting your opponent?
having birthday sex is kinda like having sex to celebrate your parents having had sex
John Krasinski is People’s Sexiest Man Alive for 2024.
When I get upset, you bet the gloves come off. Problem is, underneath are softer, more delicate gloves.
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
We will all sleep a lot better if someone tells us the nuke passcode requires spelling.
Love when strangers try to fact check your personal tweets, like why would i lie about throwing up, Kevin? lol.
NASA Social Media Manager Considers Himself Part Of Team
Have a kid so they can ask for a peanut butter sandwich and a jelly sandwich BUT NOT A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH!
Him: do you know an easy way to draw three flying birds?
Me: mmm
Him: thanks
strongly relate to the honey cake’s needs
