My dribbled milkshake stains bring all the dry cleaners to my yard
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90% of parenting is making up rules. 10% is trying to remember them.
It’s all fun and games until you realize you’re the girl at work known as “how is she still employed.”
Happy #NationalCrocDay to all the lovers and haters.
i hate it when i eat a slice of bread and it grows into a bread tree in my stomach
*plane crashes in ocean*
*washes ashore island*
*imprisoned by crabs*
*rises to become Crab Emperor*
*assassinated by most trustworthy crab*
10 years ago I got my dream job in MI5 and the rest is [redacted]
Me: Hi, I’d like to make an appointment for a bath.
Petsmart employee: Sure, what’s your dog’s name?
Me: Dog?
#OscarsWeNeed Achievement in Misleading Trailers
6yo: chicken is good for you. but not so good for the chicken
😳
My kid to his cousin: will you eat my dinner if I give you 10 bucks?
His cousin: yeah sure
My kid to his uncle: can you spare 10 bucks if it makes auntie happy?
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
99% of smokers are just wanna-be dragons. Everybody knows that.
My daughter wrote “Daddy is the best” in the snow then smashed it when I made her come inside. She’ll make some lucky guy miserable one day.
do you guys realize there’s a planet in our solar system entirely inhabited by robots
My daughter waking me up at 6:30am to straighten her hair for her, and then her climbing back into bed and going back to sleep, is my villain origin story.
me: this is my cousin, carlos
wife: nice to meet you
carlos: *kissing her hand* mucho gusto
me: *whispering in her ear* that means a lot of wind
Me: Gather around children so I can tell you about the atrocity that was the year two thousand and twenty
Nephew: Wha- it’s still 2020.
Me: *staring off into the distance* It was a lifetime ago, so much pain and suffering
Nephew: It’s only August
Me: March lasted fifty years
If the final comments of your speech last 45 minutes, please don’t preface them with “and lastly”.
There is so much going on in this video … I don’t know who to focus on 😂😂😂 hilarious
The worst part of getting new shoes is the breaking in phase. Once you’ve broken into the shoe shop, the rest is easy.
There has to be a better way for smoke detectors to say hey, the battery is low. Currently, they strike in the middle of the night like a serial killer, playing a twisted game of which one of the seven in the house needs immediate attention, taunting us with its three chirps.
Die Hard is a Valentine’s Day movie.
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
August 9th is Book Lovers Day! Not to brag but I once wrote a book on pizza. My publisher suggested I use paper next time.
My husband is suddenly showering everyday, so I assume he’s having an affair
I stand by it
Kylo Ren was more powerful with his helmet on. With it off, he had to use a majority of his power to maintain his hair’s body and bounce.
inside you there are two wolves. one snores like “honk shoo honk shoo honk shoo.” the other one snores like “hooooonk mi mi mi”
ugh just spilled my starbucks coffee on my phone and now all my contacts are misspelled.
I’ve never wrestled an alligator but I have retrieved something from my toddler’s mouth.