My drink of choice is vodka because I never recovered from those images of people stomping on grapes with their bare feet
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We need to take better care of the ocean because terrifying things live down there & if we destroy their home, they are going to come into ours. If you think traffic is bad now, wait until Cthulhu is sitting in the middle of the highway trying to eat a school bus.
Wind chimes prevent the air from sneaking up on you.
My 3-year-old got a cut on her finger.
She’s holding it up to show people her band-aid.
Yes, that’s my kid flipping off everyone in the grocery store.
Shouldn’t elevators have a different name for the trip back down?
[red carpet] “So Ryan, who are u with tonight?”
Ryan Gosling [proudly] “My parents”
[two geese in black tie nervously shuffle to his side]
Explaining your life to that friend you talk to once every two months.
Wife: Are you gonna wear that to the cookout?
Oh…
*reaches under mesh shirt*
*takes off nipple ring*Better?
When your toilet is getting married, what’s the appropriate gift?
Then I said, “hi hungry, I’m dad!:
Other dads:
millennials love books because we grew up watching Beauty and the Beast, in which a woman is willing to do anything to get her hands on a library—even marry a literal bull-moose-man.
20s: I’m on top of the world!
50s: stop the world I want to get off!
My favourite horror sitcom crossover was I Know What You Did Last Of The Summer Wine
Imagine your life revolving solely around a napping and snacking schedule and still being mad all the time.
Get it together, toddlers.
I could tell by the scowl on her face that her patience and botox were wearing thin.
I traveled over 500 miles to go home and one of first things my mom says is “you need a haircut”
Me: You want to see me rip a phone book in half?
Kid: What’s a phone book?
Just finished leg day with my new trainer and now I need to replace the stairs in my house with an elevator. Or shower in the kitchen sink?
i know an apple a day keeps the doctor away but what can i do about the rest of these people?
*a town in which the production of little marshmallow treats has been banned*
mayor: i don’t want another peep out of any of you
There’s a lady on my NextDoor app who likes to jump into long threads and write “can we please stop talking about this” with increasing frustration while everyone ignores her and I love her so much
“Just circling back on this.”
“Take another lap.”
Voldemort: I’m here to kill Harry Pott- [struggling to open baby gate]
James Potter: push down and then pull back
Voldemort: I am [still struggling]
Lily Potter: jiggle it he needs to jiggle it
Voldemort: I AM JIGGLING IT; You know what forget it I’ll come back when he’s 10
Me: I love it when I’m on top of his…
Friend: Sophie! There are kids here!
Me: Timeline. I was going to say timeline.
Oceanography is all about current events
You’re not respected until you’ve been led away from a buffet by police.
Be back in a few days. Gotta shave my legs for spring. But, before I go, what’s the best way to sharpen hedge trimmers?
Sexy Time:
*removes fluffy bathrobe to reveal second even fluffier bathrobe*
If you like piña coladas / Getting caught in the rain / Drink this piña colada / It was caught in the rain
Apparently new moms are supposed to “sleep when the baby sleeps,” but I have yet to find anyone who has mastered the art of sleeping while driving or pushing a stroller.