Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband just made me watch a documentary about pizza while I can’t get pizza delivered and this is why the divorce rate is going to be so high after this shit

“Anybody got any change?”
My body tenses as I whisper to my little zippered coin purse, “It’s go time.”

Me: I need a “pick me up”
Guy working the crane:

I’ll take ‘Liars’ for $500, Alex
“Sorry that’s not-”
Who is Karen?
“Sir-”
‘Cheaters’ for $1000
“Again that’s-”
*lips on mic* Who is Karen?

[dracula slapping mosquito]
holy shit that really IS annoying

My husband is awesome. He just gave me a bracelet that belonged to his grandmother. What does “Do Not Resuscitate” mean?

9yo son: The difference between moms and dads is that when you say “I’m hungry,” moms say “go eat something” and dads say “hi, Hungry, I’m dad.”

If I ever had to turn myself in for a crime I would tell the cops I could describe the perpetrator and then see how long it took the sketch artist to figure it out

They say money can’t buy love but this tray of lasagna begs to differ.

Instead of a vasectomy they should have just called it a spermaban.

Marries a mime. Lives quietly ever after.

My wife had the audacity to tell me she “Wanted a break” like she doesn’t already get 5 minutes every day. The psychopath.

“I can’t wait to feel you between my thighs tonight,” I say to my new memory foam pillow, which has been helping realign my spine while granting remarkable relief from lower back pain.

4-year-old trying pop rocks:

I think there’s some people having a birthday in my mouth

Grew up in a neighborhood so tough, all the kids put onions in their ‘no tears’ shampoo.

Make every hug more interesting by mysteriously whispering, “the Dark Lord stands at the crossroads

Once when I was on a cruise a lady took an entire pan of bacon to her table. The actual gigantic pan with ALL the bacon. I was so mad but I did have to give a little nod of respect.

deleting my mental health to focus on my social media

mcdonalds: may I take your order

cronus: I’ll have the kids meal

I CALL BULLSHIT

Let’s hear some tropes in TV/movies that are complete bullshit. I’ll start:

Dude making dinner produces a gourmet-looking dish, has a neatly folded hand towel thrown over his shoulder, and is wearing an *immaculate* white dress shirt. BULLSHIT!

Being a mother you are always prepared for the unexpected but nothing can prepare you for the strength you will need when your son’s voice begins to change and you have to keep a straight face.

i’ve grown my mustache down over my mouth and all the other ventriloquists here are wondering why they never thought of that before

concern

My daughter just asked me to go in a corn maze with her, and now she is telling me stories about serial killers, and if I don’t make it out she is definitely my favorite child and also probably the killer

Things I’ve Said On The Phone This Week

“Sorry. I’m heavy-breathing because I’m trying to stake a canopy”

“The shell of a turtle is basically the turtle’s rib cage. A turtle cannot be dragged out of its shell.”

“Please. Don’t ask questions. Just take some zucchini.”

I’d take Cap’n Crunch more seriously if his eyebrows weren’t on his hat.

Vin Diesel memes still relevant? Ok.

My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.

If the sun is blacking out at 1pm on a Monday than so am I