My driver’s license says I’m an organ donor but jokes on them because I have a piano.
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With the rise of self driving cars, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy’s truck leaves him too.
My boss is having a colonoscopy today.
I sure hope they find his head.
Mailman: whatcha doing
Me: I’m going fishing for my neighbor Larry
Mailman: you mean WITH your neighbor
Me [casting a sausage link into Larry’s mail slot]: he likes chorizo the most
Got a new washer and dryer today, and I’ve been doing laundry all day long. I’ve washed everything that can be washed. Getting ready to go ask the neighbors for their laundry now.
Guess who just typed “the end” on his first manuscript! Yep, “the end” is the title of my debut novel. Only 49,998 words to go and I’ll be finished!
the human just came home. smelling like another dog. this isn’t a problem. i’m totally not upset. if anybody needs me. i’ll be over here. wondering what i ever did to deserve this
Not today.. 😂
It costs nothing to be kind. But then again, it costs nothing to be a sociopath. So you see my dilemma.
*Arrives at the barbers*
“I’d like some highlights please”
*Barber puts on video of old haircuts*
1985: “I hope we’ll have flying cars in the future!”
2017: “I just used the flashlight on my cell phone to look for spiders under my bed.”
#If #I’m #not #following #you #back #this #might #be #the #reason.
What did this chicken ever do to them?? 😂😂😂
About to watch Tenet for the first time and I enjoyed it
You know dystopia has arrived when Victoria’s Secret starts selling brass braziers.
Never forget that for every public official who is stupid and awful, there are thousands of ordinary citizens who are also stupid and awful.
SAURON: I shall create three rings for the elves, seven for the dwarf lords and nine for mortal men
HOBBITS: wow ok none for us cool
SAURON: and thus I shall have dominion over all the civilised races of middle earth
HOBBITS: WOW
Mom: if all your friends jumped off a bridge would you jump too
Me: no
Mom: how about 1 friend
Me: what
Mom: ok no friends & a ride there
“Its odd how the Church just lets
pedophile’s grant forgiveness”Anyway…thats why I’m not allowed
in Confession anymore.
Pro debating tip:
Shave one eyebrow and draw a new one really high.
My wife and I have decided we don’t want to have children.
So we are going to tell them tonight at dinner.
You think if I tell my dad “30 is the new 20” he’ll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?
me(being given hot dog factory tour): so if i fell in this vat & died it would pretty much taste the same
tour guide: almost certainly keith
Me: *shoots gun*
Cop: you’re under arrest for murdering a gun
[Facebook post]
Wife: Decorating with the fam and listening to holiday music #blessed[real life]
Wife: QUIT THROWING THE GODDAMN ORNAMENTS AT YOUR BROTHER
Man “addicted to brake fluid” claims he can stop any time he wants.
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
If you look up the word “not a virgin” in the dictionary, it’s a picture of me wearing a sick leather jacket.
when people give me directions and they’re like “you can’t miss it” i’m like, oh you do not know what i’m capable of
shoutout to the guy who invented the term “water resistant”. a true hall of fame lie
I can never understand what our accent chair is saying.