My driver’s license says I’m an organ donor but jokes on them because I have a piano.
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For the record when you are “freezing” I never need to feel your ice cold hands, I believe you
*starts new diet*
“Do not drink caffeine”
*ends new diet*
Twitter pretty please next to a trending name add a label like “died” or “said something racist” or “is all good, just celebrating a birthday.”
“Don’t kid yourself.”
—birth control advert
Accidentally pronounced wifi as “wifey” and the hotel concierge said the password’s helping out around the house and being a good listener.
Wife: I told you to baby proof the house!
Me: I did. That baby has no chance if it comes in here. The bear traps will make sure of that.
Managing expectations
Why do I have all these cookie pans. I don’t even bake.
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
I’m sorry I created a “legal situation” when I thought someone ate my salt and vinegar chips.
What happens when you build a house on top of an old cemetery for accordion players?
You have a polkageist.
Welcome to your 40’s. You appreciate handrails now.
Dinner with Mom: Are these real people you’re talking about or are they from the internet?
3yo: Wipe me!
Me: What did you do?
3: Only pee and poop.
Me: [wondering in terror what the other options are]
[creation]
GOD: Gather round creatures & I’ll tell you what you’ll eat
ANTEATER: I’m SO excited!
DUNG BEETLE: I got a bad feeling about this
I accepted the Microsoft terms and conditions without reading them, and apparently I’m now responsible for hemming all of Bill Gates’ pants.
breaking: schrute farms has banned kanye, no beets for him.
In my dreams last night, I met God. He gave me the manuscript for His novel to read, but I never read it, & I had to avoid Him in the town.
*opens kitchen drawer*
Me: Whoa, what’s with all the whisks?
Sir-Mix-a-Lot: Why you judgin me?
There’s no “I” in team but there is one in shut your stupid mouth.
So I said, “Why don’t you eat one of these fried cornbread balls,” and he said “hush puppie,” so I said, “You hush, you piece of shit,” and one thing led to another court date.
*GF walks in dressed up
“Who’s the babe and what’ve you done with my gf?”
GF: Haha
*tackles imposter and puts her in choke hold
WHERE IS SHE
“We’re not buying another toy until Mommy gets laid!” might not be the most appropriate thing to yell in ToysRUs.
[bird watching] when’s the yellow one gonna teach me the alphabet
was driving on the freeway and this guy was speeding like a maniac, just weavin’ around, cutting everybody off like a damn nut. and then he exits the freeway at Zoo Drive! lmao this freak just trying to get to the zoo
My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.
Whenever I get up my cat gets up too and then yells at me like it’s my fault she decided we have to do this together
My father used to locate and deactivate land mines for a living. I wish to follow in his footsteps. His EXACT footsteps.
SO AFTER I CAUGHT HER CHEATING ON ME I WANTED TO JUMP OUT OF A PLANE AND DIE. ANYWAY MY NAME’S TOM AND I’LL BE YOUR TANDEM PARACHUTE PARTNER
If anyone thought the Weather Channel couldn’t possibly get any louder, please stop by my parent’s house right now