My drunk neighbour just stumbled into a car, fell and then apologized to the car.
-Only in Canada
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When the going gets stupid, the stupid, stupid harder.
Maybe I just didn’t state this eloquently enough where’s my hammer?
Why would America make the bald eagle its national bird when all they do is attack things and fly away and nevermind I think I get it now.
Who called it Scientology and not Cruise control?
Birds shit on us because we tweet better.
“Why did u jump off that bridge?”
My friend did it too
“Well if your friend jumped off a bridge would u?”
Yes. I literally just said that
The sign at the zoo said “Please Don’t Touch The Animals” so I put away the book of poetry I was reading to them.
Ethan isn’t playing around this semester
When a celebrity tweets a whiny complaint at an airline, I vigilantly pray for them to get stranded on a runway for 72 hours.
Gordon Ramsey getting ready for bed: Wet the toothbrush. Salt, fresh pepper. Toothpaste on. Delicious
cop: where u headed
me: chuck e. cheese. gonna fight the rat
cop: [handing me his gun] good luck
When my girl was five I was reading to her from a little book about George Washington.
Me: As a boy he liked to ride horses and fish.
Her: He liked to ride fish?!
It’s been nine years but in my mind he’s still riding that big beautiful fish.
me: i want a girlfriend so badly
them: u have to start going on dates
me: seems excessive
my anxiety is at an all time high because i keep getting texts that begin like ‘anna, we need to check in’ or ‘this is a difficult message to send’ and for a second i think it’s my boyfriend breaking up with me before i realize they’re all from tim walz
Cobra & Mongoose. He’s a cobra… she’s a mongoose. They say opposites attract but can two unlikely partners find love? No. Oh jeeezus, don’t look.
My pet name for my manhood, for obvious reasons, is Whitesnake…You know, cuz… “Here I go again on my own”.
If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.
Woke up last night and the ghost of Gloria Gaynor was standing over my bed. At first I was afraid, i was petrified.
Son: You act like the dog is better than me.
Me: Sit
*dog sits immediately*
*son hesitates and then sits*Me: I rest my case
Actively furious that the global Microsoft outage doesn’t seem to have affected my workplace.
Hey girl, do you like bad boys? *tries to look cool by flicking my cig, but it’s an e-cig so I have to run and get it*
The new American dream is an alien invasion.
Refusing to attend my brother’s gambling intervention until they agree to call it a slot shaming.
[5:00 AM, in a harsh whisper]
Daddy, don’t worry, you can sleep. I’m making my own breakfast, how do you turn on the stove?
Me: I’m up.
If you find yourself in a really awkward conversation do what I do; put your pants back on and leave.
“While you were gathering nuts and playing your silly squirrel games, I studied the blade.”
People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?
Me: you are my queen.
Her: awwww thanks 😍
Me *rolling out guillotine* and monarchy is an abomination.