My dryer is celebrating lint.
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If practice makes perfect, why in the hell are we all so shit at sleeping as adults!
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
If you’re going to stare all night and not say hello, do you mind taking your fingers and squishing my head from across the room?
Paranormal Activity, but the demon that drags us out of bed is called “work”
[the inventor of golf] How can we monetize getting angry in a field?
me: so your first name is “shaw-un” then why is your last name “be-een”?
sean bean: you want my autograph or not?
me: I do, shawn bawn.
I know restaurants have to make a living but a pet hate is “extra toppings: £2.30!” and then it’s clearly one anchovy or half an olive spread around the pizza
Want to feel old?
This is what Kevin McCallister looks like now.
In your 20’s: I’m going to install the best radio, loudest speakers, amplifier in my car, and rock out.
In your 50’s: Turn that music down, I can’t even hear myself think about what I want to eat.
ME: I’m being haunted by my Grandma.
GRANDMA: For the last time, I’m not dead! You drove me here.
ME: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
PARANORMAL INVESTIGATOR: *frightened* I think I can even see her!!!
forgive me baja for i have blast
Interviewer: Why did you apply for this job?
Me: Because being broke and homeless didn’t really call out to me.
Anyone have a recipe for chocolate covered strawberries?
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
Three things that are certain in life~
1) Death
2) Paying taxes
3) Somewhere a woman is pissed at a man ….
It’s very 2024 because I was just so impressed with how thick that store’s checkout bags are. I was like, “Such nice bags. Oh wow. So sturdy! Usually plastic bags are like tissue paper thin. These, now THESE bags are some serious bags. They can HOLD stuff. These are for me? Wow”
date: tell me about yourself
me: I want to kill the moon
date: I have a bit of a dark side too
me: [narrows eyes]
Sorry I got kicked out of the auditorium for yelling GET A TOMB YOU TWO during your little brother’s 9th grade production of Romeo & Juliet.
I told my son if he wants to have company over he needs to clean the house. Either way, big W for me.
Indiana Jones: why does it have to be snakes
Ron Weasley: why does it have to be spiders
me: why does it have to be family get-togethers
Of course my summer body is ready, it’s the same as my winter body but sweatier.
The year is 2016. Dads go out for a vape pen refill and never come back.
I have decided to purchase the grocery store because it is now cheaper than the groceries inside it.
I bought a CD today.
Now I’m waiting for my carriage to take me home, because I have laundry to do at the river and butter to churn.
Stuffs more popcorn in my face*
Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?
What I said: please stop letting flies in.
What my kids heard: go in and out the door every 23 seconds and don’t close it behind you.
<——-Wants the burger
<——-Needs the salad
Date: wanna get out of here?
Me: let me just tie my shoe *realizes i don’t know how to tie my shoes* how bout another round of spaghetti
You can’t drink and drive. You can’t text and drive. You can’t smoke bud and drive. It’s like they expect you to just focus on driving.