My dryer is celebrating lint.
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The way that we’re constantly told not to eat silica gel makes me suspect that it contains all the world’s forbidden knowledge.
This guy keeps buying me drinks and talking to me as if I’ll go home with him just because we’re married
[slipping waiter a five dollar bill]
can you make sure my green beans and mac n cheese don’t touch on the plate
I’m so pleased the basket I put in the bedroom so my husband has somewhere to put his shoes is making it easier for him to put his shoes next to it.
Pain medication got me itching to operate heavy machinery in the dark
This is one for those who have seen certain US TV commercials. 😂
You can pour up to 12 bowls of salad in your sweats before they kick you out of the Olive Garden.
Kids today have iPads, but when I was little my parents kept me busy on road trips by saying, ‘keep an eye on the trailer, and let us know if it falls off.’
my dad: in the end. i hope people don’t even notice i was here
me: i hate camping too
Pro tip: Instead of having kids, just adopt a couple raccoons. They’ll trash your house too, but at least they can feed themselves.
🎵 You make me feel like I’ve been locked out of heaven 🎵
Jesus: “We talked about this, Lucifer.”
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, show me how you do that
Me: table for two
Hostess: did you have reservations
Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now
Ear cleaning technician sounds like a solid career path. As far as we know people are going to have ears.
[trying to impress fiancée’s entire family]
Waiter: Your bill for-
Oh I got it! [looks at bill & spits wine] WHO ORDERED THE “SUBTOTAL”?!?
i tried to ask a girl out today but i messed up my words and accidentally summoned a demon. anyway, whats a good first date for a demon
My kid, asking the important questions after I told her I’d gone to the PTA meeting this morning, “How did you wear your hair?”
Pro tip:
Don’t ever ask rhetorically; “what is wrong with me?” in front of your wife. I did this two days ago.
She’s still telling me.
the best thing i’ve ever made
Dad: What is taking him so long to get me that crow bar?
Me: *Applying for a liquor license* Yes I’m serious, it’s just for crows.
My 4yo knows I’m hard to wake in the night
Unfortunately he also knows using his stuffed toy to wack me in the face a few times does the trick
Me: Wouldn’t it be funny if a hawk swooped down and grabbed one of the kids?
Him: You need help.
BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test
ME: Hold my bong
Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it’s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair
*wife stares at me*
*I stare at her*
*she frowns*
*I smile*
“You didn’t notice my new-”
“NICE HAIRCUT AND GLASSES.”
“Dress.”
Is it a compliment when someone says, “You look great, I didn’t even recognize you?”
I hate when a bag of potatoes goes bad because not only are the potatoes wasted but so are all the coins I have to put over their eyes.
Caesar: You will be forced to fight to the death
Gladiator: Hell yeah
Madiator: well this is bullshit
[Kitchen]
Me: I’m a were-state. When the moon is full I turn into a US state.
Wife: No you don’t the moon is full now.
Me: *Illinois noises*