My ducks may not be in a row, but at least they’re having fun. Your ducks probably hate you for making them line up like that.
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my son needs help with his math project so i did what any good parent would do. i slipped out the back door and started a new life in costa rica
“THE YOGURT HAD MY GOD DAMN NAME ON IT, NANCY.”
[therapy session]
THERAPIST: ok…I totally respect your feelings & you sound genuine…but that was just the plot of Jurassic Park
ME: nuh uh
HBO’s Cookie Monster is much darker
“You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this” -Guy who invented shovels
VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.
I can cook up any meal but I can’t peel boiled eggs without them looking like a toddler took bites out of them.
[The Gorge in the Pride lands]
Water buffalo 1: *tramples over Mufasa* Didn’t we go to that guy’s baby shower?
Water buffalo 2: *shrugs*
Why do people always assume it’s a compliment when I tell them their baby looks just like them . . .
*brings empty Cheetos bag to the pharmacy for a refill*
My husband has decided to take on a kitchen renovation project by himself because “it can’t be that hard.” He’s currently watching a YouTube video.
Pray for me.
this recipe says red onions are too spicy for salad
I think semi-colons have gotten a bad rap. They should be re-branded as super-commas.
You couldn’t make The Godfather today. It’s almost midnight, and making films takes ages.
Egyptians don’t walk like that.
The reason the “Cars” movies have gained so much popularity is becuase the cars speak to one another. You don’t get that with real life cars
[planning heist]
Me: We’ll need the element of surprise.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: [appears] Actually, such an element does not exist. Hi, I’m Ne
My wife is listening to an ad about chainsaws. I’m worried.
“Don’t touch that. You don’t know where it’s been.”
“I don’t think you washed your hands long enough. Go wash them again.”
“In this house we cover our mouths when we cough.”
My parents did a better job preparing me for adulthood than they knew.
Guy named Jack starts on Thursday and I’ve never been more excited to put someone’s days off on the board at work.
I don’t have any kids but I am a proud father of a food baby right now.
If I had the money to get some work done, I think I’d have them start with the dishes.
“Yogurt!”
Gurt: “Yes?”
7-year-old: I don’t want mashed potatoes.
Me: They’re just like French fries.
7: Then give me French fries.
There’s a flaw in her logic, but I can’t find it.
America’s national mascot should just be a drunk white girl typing on a shattered iPhone.
My son is watching Up, and asked if they tried to get a baby by having sex.
If I have to picture Carl and Ellie doing the nasty, so do you.
“It wasn’t such a GOOD FRIDAY for Jesus, if you think about it.” -Every youth pastor today.
I finally figured out what flies and mosquitoes are for. They’re gods way of making us slap ourselves.
[reflecting on past]
“Ah, yes. I see what the problem is. See all of this?”
*gestures at everything*
“All of this is wrong.”