My ducks may not be in a row, but at least they’re having fun. Your ducks probably hate you for making them line up like that.
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Friend: I need your advice.
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
Friend: I meant about my love life.
Me:
Friend:
Me:
Friend:
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
Wife: when did we get a new dishwasher
Me: u said change the dishwasher & stack the baby
Wife: how do u stack a baby
Me: u get other babies
Eggs Benedict implies the exsistence of Eggs Cumberbatch
nothing more Los Angeles than an earthquake getting jealous of the publicity the hurricane is getting
Went to the doctor the other day, he told me I had to stop lap-dancing. I asked him why and he said, “Because I’m trying to examine you.”
I never understand why do people whisper at funeral’s ? The most important guy at this party is dead he can’t hear you.
8 yo was asked to sign a contract to agree to class rules at school. She said to the teacher, “It’s not a valid contract if I don’t have a choice.”
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke!
Alexa: You’re definitely going to finish that home improvement project this weekend.
Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!
Dr. Pepper just unseated Pepsi as the second most popular soda in America.
Don’t tell me that getting your PhD isn’t worth it.
Why did the toilet paper roll down the hill?
To get to the bottom!
Y’all why did I join a Black and Queer meeting… I thought you could be one or the other. The ice breaker was going around the room asking about your queer awakening…
I had to tell them I was just here because I’m Black 😭 I’m so embarrassed
While in restaurants as a kid, my parents would pay by credit card in a machine that looked like it could take your finger off
if I was a zebra and I carried a wallet in my mouth I’m guessing a lot of people would assume it didn’t belong to me and that sucks
The way my dog maintains eye contact while taking a dump is unsettling. Can’t he read a magazine like a normal dog?
If I cared about being judged by a stranger, I’d be religious.
💀💀💀💀
Just watched a woman outside of the UPS store yell at another woman, “GO TO HELL, MARGARET!” Margaret looked absolutely scandalized. As if this was the first time someone told Margaret to go to hell. As if.
An hour of interrogation later and the cat still has not revealed the location of the 4 missing puzzle pieces
How dare you call me naive!
I’d sue you for slander if I hadn’t sent all my money to that Nigerian prince.
Bummed my show about teenage girls working for their high school newspaper didn’t get an Emmy nomination. Better luck next year, ‘Cuntrags’.
AI is that friend who is always there for you but gives terrible advice.
GF: why the hell are you eating cheese puffs in bed at 2am
Me: shhh… I’m sleep walking
I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.
Are we still doing “hot girl summer”, cause I’m really trying to make “raccoon girl summer” happen
three things we don’t talk about
A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.
Scuba diving instructor: Be careful not to get too close to the sharks
*under breath* or they’ll break your heart and move in with your brother
[he picks me up on 1st date]
Him: What do you have there?
Me: [struggling, crawling to his car because my backpack is weighing me down] Ham.
My dryer is celebrating lint.