Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*gets pulled over*

Do you know how fast you were going?

*pulls string*
*inflates emergency mustache*

Oh sorry officer. You’re free to go.

Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.

i thought i was being cool by telling a young barista that her t-shirt had my friend’s band on it, and she said, “oh i really respect the older generation”

My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.

Area Man Already Knows Which Chicken Tender He’s Saving For Last

emails from companies that start with stuff like “only nine weeks left to…” who are these for? who has their life together enough to act that far in advance. I don’t know what I’m wearing to work in ten minutes.

Preacher: He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword

Me: *sweating*

My neighbor (who is an actual sword): *glares at me from the end of the pew*

CREEPY DUDE: I’ll give you some candy if you get in the van.

HANSEL: He seems nice.

GRETEL: I’m starting to think you wanna die.

the FOLD cycle on my clothes dryer isn’t working

I changed my name in my daughters phone to God…just texted her and said “I saw that” You should of seen her face. Priceless

My girlfriend just couldn’t accept my obsession with horoscopes.
In the end, it Taurus apart.

Pooping on the clock is the small-scale revolt of the working class in preparation for the people’s revolution.

Whenever I’m having a bad day I think “Goddammit if a baby can hold their head up, then so can I.” Then I pee my pants and scream cuz that’s also what babies do.

I’ve got the longest to do list for today, just need to figure out who is going to do it

Can we not just call it Zealand now?

If I insult you, I’m either flirting or genuinely don’t like you. Good luck with that.

Him: sometimes I think you just don’t care

Me: [hands in the air] why would you think that

Someone asked me what I was doing this weekend and I panicked at the thought of making plans so I said I was doing my taxes

IDGAF if you’re black, white, yellow, brown or blue.

Well, I do if you’re blue, I’ll stop and give you CPR if you’re blue.

I have way less energy than your average haunted doll.

When french fries are part of your drive thru order are they completely gone by the time you get home or do you have self discipline and self respect?

the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym

At the end of first grade, my teacher said “your handwriting was pretty good, at the beginning of the year” and that is how I learned about backhanded compliments

Tide Pods need a little seasoning?

Sprinkle some bath salts on top.

[college career fair]

Me: I cheated my way through school, lied to professors & learned nothing, FML
*CIA recruiter hires me on the spot*

I’m so lazy that I’ll break my tooth trying to get this tag off before I get up and get a scissor.

I drive with my hands at ten and two, but they’re crossed.

Leonardo Dicaprio has addressed the UN about climate change.

Well if anyone should know about the dangers of melting icebergs, it’s him!

IT: I’m hanging up

Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy

IT: *dial tone*