My Dyslexic Cat thinks she has ” P ” no. of lives.
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My current wife doesn’t like my use of adjectives
NEMESIS: i hate you
ME: i hate me too. and the enemy of my enemy is my friend
NEMESIS: so can you stay the night?
ME: i’ll ask my mom
corona got the club empty asf me and the DJ just chillin listening to frank ocean with the strobe lights goin rn
Only during a hurricane can you purchase a tarp, rope, duct tape and a shovel and no one questioned your motives.
[restaurant]
DATE: [clears throat]
ME: I’m sorry. [handing her placemat and crayons] Did you want to color too?
Who called it laughing gas and not comical weapon?
“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” seems like a great slogan for tequila
Yes I am that gift that keeps on giving most people the finger.
True freaking story!
Hubs: If you could sleep with…
Me: THOR!!!
Hubs: …the fan off tonight, that’d be great.
Me: Ohhhh…
husband just asked what I’ll do with my spare time when we finally finish all the renovations to our house and I said I’m gonna build a scale model of redwall abbey in the garden for the field mice and I think he thought I was joking
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
I finally spilled coffee over my favourite t shirt and now I can wear it all day any day.
That girl from The Exorcist was a real head turner
*shows up at your work*
“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”
Want healthy, youthful-looking skin? Follow this sure-fire daily routine:
1. Be young.
2.
3.
4.
5.
99% of people who quote Ayn Rand have either never read her or have never read her
I’m at the age where I consider any picture of me taken in the last ten years “current”
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
I’ve had a few people tell me I should start an OF but honestly, you could just peel a potato at home and get the same outcome.
Me: Gimme that bread, daddy
Priest: It’s Father
anti-tattoo people saying “my body’s a temple” like they wouldn’t worship at a temple that had an enormous mural of a tiger fighting a cobra
Ghost: never eats, never sleeps, moans a lot
Vampire: sucks the life out of u
Werewolf: human w/ fits of howling
Child: all of the above
5 made a window cling, and it’s the most corrupt Sun I’ve ever seen.
Luke Skywalker: What are you dressing as for Halloween?
Yoda: WITCH, I MIGHT BE
All my friends asking me for a #PS5 😂
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
*waits for someone to have sex with me so I can use the ‘sex with me is like’ joke format*
Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?
Me: Please face the front
Maybe your parents told you a watched pot never boils so you wouldn’t go around sticking your face near boiling water, idiot.