My Dyslexic Cat thinks she has ” P ” no. of lives.
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I invented a gun that fires strawberries, but it keeps getting jammed.
Well my name’s Harry Potter and I’m here to say
That half of my movies looked wet and gray
You say no portion control, I say treating every meal like it’s your last
>looking for a crisp fall day
>ask mother nature if it’s a hot 60° or a cool 60°
>she laughs and says “it’s a good 60°”
>throw on cozy fall outfit
>it’s a hot 60°
The hardest part of potty training my puppy is shitting outside with him so he can learn how to
I took a pole and found that 100% of people in the tent were angry.
been watching all the James Bond movies in chronological order
it’s truly incredible how many times the fate of the entire world rests on James Bond’s ability to travel to a scenic destination and have sex with a beautiful woman
if you are what you eat, my dog is my favourite pair of shoes
I’ve never completed a marathon, but I’ve listened to my mom tell a story, so don’t talk to me about endurance.
What if they close the grocery stores and we actually have to hunt for our food?
I don’t even know where little Debbie lives.
Him: When I told you the chicken was good, I lied.
Me: That’s okay. I lied when I said it was chicken.
Nature Valley granola bar: 42 grams
Crumbs left after eating it: 43 grams
Jay Z and Beyonce had a 4 million dollar dinner with Obama…. Wtf did they eat? Fresh dinosaur?
Is it lovers quarrel or lover squirrel?
either way, couples therapy is going great
BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job
Exterminators: The only profession in which you put yourself out of business by being really good at your job.
“Mushrooms taste like the skeletons of strawberries” and other strange things my 4yo says
Thinking about that time I used a pic of katy perry as my avi and a dude got so mad that I wasn’t actually katy perry that he called me a catfish and blocked me. Wonder how he’s doing now
I had a call from a charity asking me to donate old clothes for starving people. I told them anybody who fits into my clothes isn’t starving
Fun Fact: There are only 4 actors in the entire United Kingdom at any one time and they take turns playing every role in every British TV show and movie. Here they currently are:
We caught and released a snake so it can scare the crap out of us in the basement on a different day
Some of my friends have really unattractive children and I don’t say a word I just carry this heavy cross
*flagging down passing pizza delivery vehicle*
I’LL PAY YOU TWICE WHAT THEY WERE GOING TO PAY YOU
I always wondered if the distinct piss smell that Burger King is known for is authentic or if it’s just a spray they use.
#ConfessToAubry
10
I work at Subway and if you are rude to me at the beginning I will make sure to grab the oldest and shittiest bread. So if your sandwich bread is hard you know why.
[inventor of flame thrower] i’m probably not a psychopath for making this, right?
Fried potatoes
Mashed potatoes
Baked potatoes
Twice baked potatoes
Potato chips-if Bubba grew up on a potato farm instead of a shrimp boat
I understand if you aren’t religious, I respect that. But you don’t have to get all rude when I ask to use your first born as a sacrifice.
Why must I prove that I am me to pay my bills over the phone?
Do strangers call to pay my bills?
And if they do, why don’t you let them?
No one ever talks about what a flex it is when Yoda just gets tired of answering all of Luke’s questions and dies