Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*feels comfortable*

comfortable: *slaps hand away*

BILBO: *Blows smoke ring*

GANDALF: *Blows smoke ship that goes through smoke ring*

BILBO: It’s okay to just let some things be about other people.

I went to nearby motivational speaker session
Was disappointed
There were no speaker
Just humans
Can you believe it

Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?

Me:You have your good days. You have your bad days.
Wife: WHERE ARE THE CHILDREN?!

Pretty weird that a hamster I had for three months at the age of six plays such an important role in my adult life as a part of my online banking security protocol

Lol

I have to pick my dad up from work tonight, how the turntables. I wonder what embarrassing things I can do when I pull up to his place of business

You should be able to make your GPS call you a code name.
“Bobcat, in 3.1 miles turn left”
“Recalculating, Bobcat, you’re going rogue.”

Savlon antiseptic cream is not, as it turns out, toothpaste.

Nobody:

5-year-old: What happens if you rub butter on a penguin?

Don’t you just hate it when you have a day off to relax by the pool and enjoy a well-stocked pantry but then your neighbour comes home early and threatens to call the cops?

Don’t be scared of a snake. It’s just a slimey, conscious rope that is evil and can kill you.

No, YOU forgot you colored your hair and nearly screamed because there was a strange woman in your hotel bathroom.

kayleigh i promise i won’t make fun of your name again pleighse give me another chance

Can we talk about your pleated, cuffed corduroys, or are we just going to let it happen?

People should throw rice at baptisms and not weddings that little baby is all wet and needs help drying.

Qsieowrrtpd
That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad

My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.

Dr: Take two tablets at 7pm every night. Not too late!

~later~

5pm: Nah too early
6pm: Still too early
6:45pm: Ooh nearly tablet time
11pm: shit

[prison]

PRISONER: what’s for breakfast

GUARD: every meal is bread & water

PRISONER: [is a duck] oh baby

[Cops have a warrant for my arrest]
Cops: you’re coming with us!
*Plays the Benny Hill theme on my phone & runs away*
Foot chase ensues.

Son #1 put our house on Yelp and left a review that said the food is good but the kitchen staff is grumpy.

Park Ranger: Careful, someone saw a coyote out here earlier

Me: Ok, thanks
-20 minutes later-
*drives into a rock painted like a tunnel

Me leaving the house for plans I made when I was in an extroverted mood

Him: You are a souless ginger.

Me: Far from it. I’ve collected hundreds of souls. I keep them in an ancient wooden box.

Him: Funny!

Me: If they make too much noise at night I squirt them with the water bottle.

Him: *nervous laugh*

my boss, the chef: you can’t beat eggs for breakfast

me, making an omelette: what

My wife after pulling weeds… I want a goat

doctor: i’m sorry [consoling my family] he’s going to live

I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.